Roger quotes from American Dad!

Oh...my...God.

Roger

Jinx! Now you can't talk until I say your name, Stan! [realizes] Ah, dammit!

Steve

White, dusty oil?

Francine

Lawn dandruff?

Klaus

A third ridiculous guess?

Roger

[knowingly] I think I know what this is.

Roger

Yep, that's salt. It's a salt deposit. [he looks at the shocked expressions of the family] Oh my God! Did you guys think it was cocaine? Cocaine doesn't grow underground, dumb-asses. You gotta make that shit! With blood and sweat. And a little bit of salt. You got to cut it with salt to hit your margins. So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here.

Roger

Gotta leave room for Zachary and Ella. I'm gonna have 'em sign next to each other 'cause then when I break them up, Ella's gonna cry every time she sees my cast, and I'm gonna love it 'cause she was such a bitch to me at the lockers last week.

Steve

I know this is all made up.

Roger

Some of it.

Steve

I don't need a Deep Throat.

Roger

I bought the jacket. We're doing this.

Steve

Did you paint a shadow on your face?

Roger

I was dressed up in blackface earlier. You're not the only one with stuff going on. Looks like you finally figured out the story.

Steve

No I didn't! I have no idea what's happening!

Roger

You WERE the story, Steve. You used all your pent-up sexual frustration to turn out the most elegant pornography this school has ever seen, but when you finally saw a little skin, it was too much for you, and you experienced what medical experts refer to as an ejacufaint. That's when 100% of your blood is in your wiener. You're lucky to be alive, Steve, and that's the real headline.

Roger

Stan? What are you doing here?

Stan

Roger? You sell sperm too?

Roger

Sell?

Hayley

Why don't you come down to the yoga and meditation center with me? I think it could really help you learn to love yourself.

Roger

I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.

Hayley

Well, it sounds like your afternoon's wide open.

Roger

Yeah, we can go right after I jerk off.

Steve

Should should we turn on the TV?

Francine

I hope you guys are hungry, because I got us dinner reservations! We're gonna try something new and exciting. Sushi.

Stan

Geez, Francine, we just tried stromboli two years ago. Can you let us catch our damn breath?

Francine

Oh, please, Stan. You know I've been wanting to get more culture in our lives.

Stan

Culture? I thought you said you wanted more vulture in our lives. Fine, I'll go, but you'll have to figure out what to do with these gentlemen.

It's alright we've got tickets for the theater, and if we don't leave now, we shall miss the curtain. I'll have Marcus bring up the car.

Marcus is another bird.

Roger

I'm so nervous Hayley What if everyone notices me and calls me names? What if one of the names is Piss Head?

Roger

Well, suck me off through a hole and call me Rick Steves, what is this?

Steve

It's Baywatch. You've never seen Baywatch?

Francine

You like this, Roger?

Roger

Franny, I like the smell of gasoline. I like to play with Stan's ding-a-ling while he sleeps. This... this I love!

Stan

Wait, wh-what was that second thing?

Steve

You don't know anything about being a flight attendant.

Roger

But I do know comedy, and that's all that matters at Southwest.

Hayley

With you there, people should check their sensitivities at the gate.

Roger

Oh my God, that's like a perfect Southwest joke! I want that joke!

Snot

We used the book, and it worked. But then all the power went straight to Steve's head.

Roger

When you're older, I'll show you where all the power goes straight to on me.

Hayley

Oh yeah, I owe you a dime. Just grab it out of the change bowl.

Roger

Is there a thousand dollars cash in that bowl? 'Cause that's what a dime is in gambler's lingo.

Hayley

Who knows that?!

Jeff

Everyone knows that, babe. I thought you were crazy to make that bet. I almost said something.

Roger

My roses are like bones in a desert.

I haven't had a bone in my desert in years.

Francine

[Concerned about shocking Stan] Roger. this finger zapping thing isn't going to hurt, right?

Roger

Not a bit. [Stan collapses in convulsions as Roger shocks him]

Francine

You said it wouldn't hurt.

Roger

No, I said it wouldn't hurt me. You need to listen girl.

Roger

[whispering] Hey. Hey. Up here. [Steve looks up, to see Roger in a vent] Want to get back at A.J. and win that talent show? I can help.

Steve

[walks under Roger's vent and looks at in quizzically] What-- what are you doing in there?

Roger

I'm trapped. I dropped a Skittle down a vent, and I went in after it. I've been in here for days. Get a Phillips-head screwdriver and meet me by the vent in Hayley's bathroom. [notices something offscreen] Oh. Oh, there-- uhp, there's the Skittle. Went down this slightly narrower passageway here.

Roger

Shit.

Steve

Wow, you move just like a dummy!

Roger

Now, Steve. Why do you think I slapped you? It's because you used a certain word. Do you know what that word is?

Steve

Is it...

Roger

That's right. Never, ever call me a dummy. The word "dummy" is degrading. I am a manually-articulated performative kinesio-maquette... named Dudley Dingleberry.