Scenes with Roger 157
[Realizing that he wasn't gonna be fine, Frat Boy #5 packs up everything he needs in his apartment. Before he closes his suitcase, he looks out the window and then closes his suitcase. The scene cuts to an airplane taking off. With Frat Boy #5 inside, he takes a deep breath and get out his iPod with earbuds, puts them in his ears and reads a magazine. He then notices the limo on the airplane's left wing and the Limo plays the Dixie horn one last time as it drives towards Frat Boy #5. He screams as he tried to escape the airplane, but ended up getting killed along with three others by the limo that drove through the plane, causing everyone else on the plane to scream as air masks drop down. The plane then explodes in the air as it falls down. Roger and Klaus are floating down to safety using parachutes. Roger then crosses off the last frat boy he killed on the photo.]
Roger, you got your revenge. Can we go home now?
[Roger then notices a woman next to him and he undoes her parachute as she falls down to her death.]
RogerI'm sorry, I got the blood lust! Eventually I'll get bored with it. Remember when I was super into Jiffy Pop? Had it all the time for a snack? Overdid it. Then I started having a little Greek yogurt and berries at night. That's all I need. Hey, so, what's happening with that girl? Are you still emailing--
[Roger and Klaus then land on the ground as they fall flat with Klaus' fishbowl broken.]
(after Roger reveals that he was the girl who kissed Steve at a Spin-the-Bottle party)
YOU were Alicia Wilkner?! We went on seven dates!
Roger
Nine. I roofied you on that last two. Nothing happened. Wink-wink.
[Stan is riding a bike and using it as a unicycle]
Roger
Wheels, may I speak with you? Papa Wheely, why don't you go fill out your HR forms. Teddy Bonkers will help you.
Roger
Teddy bear! His name is Theodore Bonkers. He's not the smartest guy, but he tries harder than anyone I've ever met. I've met Ed Burns.
[Stan rides his bike like a unicycle to read the clipboard and gets out a pen]
Roger
What the hell, Wheels?
He was so excited. I... I couldn't let him down.
Uh, it says "List previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy." I can't draw a cowboy. Is a pirate acceptable?
Roger
Yes.
The point is is you wanna get anywhere in life, you'll have to join the wrestling team.
Gee, Dad. That sounds great. Oh, no. The school doesn't have a wrestling program anymore. Aah, squigglebottom!
Roger
Well, take your outraged elsewhere. I have another group coming through. We'll exit through the gift shop [they walk over to the counter and he takes out a CD] Make sure to check out our Stan Smith: Pan Flute Rain Forest Music [pan flute plays] Each song sounds the same. It somehow manages to be worse than the less.
Roger
You know how they take kidneys out?
Roger
[creepily] You'll walk into your room and there will be plastic sheets all over the floor. Before you can react, a man in a ski mask will tie you to a chair with an Indian braided belt he got on vacation in Santa Fe. He'll turn on some Huey Lewis, and then cut the damn thing out with a rusty keyhole saw. No antiseptic, no Novocaine, no nothing! Just the song "Hip to Be Square" drowning out your boyish screams.
Roger
Now no one has anything.
Roger
You really think I can change?
Bitch, what did I just say?
RRoger (as Sergeant Pepper)
My sucking attachment fell off. I'm going in.
CCommander
Sergeant, it's too dangerous!
[Roger walks up to an outhouse and cautiously opens the door. He climbs into the toilet hole, briefly getting his helmet stuck]
Roger (as Sergeant Pepper) I'm in.
[a man walks towards the outhouse]
Commander Oh no Sergeant, someone's coming in! Oh wait maybe, he's going number one. [he looks closely through the binoculars] He's got a newspaper! Get out of there!
RRoger (as Sergeant Pepper)
: Oh no! [he kneels in prayer] Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Roger
What.
Roger, Who ever is going to be a kid.
Roger
I have equipped you with a mechanical voice box that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man. I've also given you a micropenis, like most Chicago men.
The most beautiful for thing for you.
[Roger, Stan, Betty and Francine all hold hands]
Roger
God, are you there? It's me, Tom Yabo. [closes his eyes] I just wanna say thank you for sending me such an amazing woman and unbelievably generous to her. I mean, her giving to receiving ratio is like 3-1 minimum. Amen. So, Stan, how was work today?
[Betty hands him sweet potatoes]
BBetty
Stan, you speak up and look at Tom when he's asking you a question.
[louder] It was fine, okay?! [spits out his sweet potatoes]
BBetty
Stan, I worked really hard on this meal.
Well, it's gross, and I don't like it.
Roger
Come on, champ. Give it another try.
SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! [knocks over the table and walks out]
Roger
Now this is getting ridiculous! Want me to walk you home again?
It didn't help last time! [storms off]
Roger
Sheesh, just trying to help the kid out. [the door closes offscreen, Roger stretches his arms, his bones crack] I'm gonna rape him this time.
[Roger makes a rainbow]
Oh my God! You can do that?
Roger
Yeah, when I'm really happy.
Roger
Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee.
[Hayley in shock about Roger sending him into space]
What... the hell... just happened... my Jeff, my dear sweet...my dear sweet... my Jeffmmmm.
[Roger shouting at Hayley while the Smiths are all in the car]
Roger
Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.
Roger
Well, there are ways to get people to do what you want without they're knowing it.
Are you suggesting I trick him?
Roger
Sure, it's easy. I once got him to drink my pee by telling him it was a fancy beer.
Roger, I need your help. There's a big crazy guy at school who wants to beat the crap out of me.
[Roger takes his glasses and clothes off, then puts his glasses back on. he puts his hands together and inhales]
Roger
I'm listening.
We're supposed to fight Friday at 3:00. I only have two days to find a way out of it.
Roger
I know a guy who loves a good fight. I'll give him a call. He'll take care of your problems.
Oh, thank you. Wait, the guy's not gonna be you, is he?
Roger
No, I promise.
'Cause a lot of times when you say "you know a guy", you're really just thinking about yourself.
Roger
Fine! It was gonna be me, but since you're making a big deal about it, I'll call somebody else, okay? Stop figuring out my tricks! [crushes his desk with a bat and puts his clothes back on] My model plane.
American Dad! · 929 quotes
