[while practicing for a play] You will all be glad to see me burn, but if I go through the fire, I shall go through it to their hearts, forever and ever. And so, God be with me.
Not bad. Do it again. And this time, try to show a little leg.
ALF, I'm auditioning for Joan of Arc. I don't really think that would be appropriate. Just tell me if I've got the lines right.
Okay, but I'm telling you, it would be a lot funnier if you were holding a rubber chicken.
Well, not the way you're doing it. Hey, I've got a great idea! When they strike the first torch grab your big toe and hop around yelling, hot foot, hot foot!
You're tied to a piece of meat and you don't see the humor in that?
Well, then you might want to consider a couple of well placed tassels.
[while eating popcorn and watching TV] I'll, do us all a favor. Take 20 bucks out and get your tooth cleaned.[the phone rings and he answers it] Hello. Oh, hi, Neal. What's up, dude?
Yeah, is Willie there? Anybody? Darn, we're so excited about our news and there's nobody to tell.
Oh, then let me find someone. Hello? You're the guy with the news, huh?
Sorry, ALF. Margaret and I are getting married.
Yeah! We're driving to Vegas to tie the knot.
MMargaret
[offscreen] Honey?
Listen, I gotta go. Tell everybody the good news for me, okay? Bye. [hangs up]
But, Neal, wait! Don't- hang up. This had to happen on my watch. Do I sit by and do nothing or risk all and save the poor schlub? Well, it is Vegas. And there is that sock of quarters Brian's been saving.
[pops his head up and becomes nosy during Neal's date] You really stepped in it this time, Neal.
Have you gone crazy? What are you doing here?
I came to see Rickles. I came to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life. Again.
Do Willie and Kate know you're here?
Yeah, yeah. I had a hall pass. My dog ate it.
Look, ALF, I appreciate your concern. But this is none of your business.
I wanna do this. Well, if I were a strict Freudian, I'd say your forays into oncoming traffic belay a deep underlying scarediness.
You picked up on that, huh?
What are you thinking about, man?
Well, we were., in the throes of, well, reuniting, and-
Whoa! Stop. Stop. Stop, stop.
Why am I doubting myself?
Could it be because your blood's on its way back to your brain?
What am I doing? I'm just gonna go in there and put this happiest day of my life behind me.
Oh, will you forget Margaret! We're in the most exciting city in Nevada. Donny Osmond's opening for Morey Amsterdam. We could go to the Liberace museum. Or look for a free breakfast. [Neal leaves his car] There's so much to do. And me without clothes.
MMinister
[while reading Neal and Margaret's certificate] It always warms my heart to see two people so madly in love. Now, the basic wedding is $45. The videotape, the flowers, and the rice, that's an extra 75. We offer an Elvis witness for $50 or the fat Elvis for 35. So?
Uh, just the basic wedding. Were those guys ever a bad investment.
MMinister
We are gathered here to join Neal Tanner and Margaret Tanner. Wh- are you two first cousins? 'Cause you're gonna have to go to Texas for that.
MMargaret
No. It's a long story. With a happy ending, right, Neal?
Uh, I know this is inappropriate, but, uh, I'll be right back.
MMargaret
Is something wrong, honey?
Uh, no, I'm, uh, I'm fine. I just, uh, need to run to the restroom and, uh, throw myself a quick bachelor party. [leaves the wedding]
