[comes in] Yes, father? Hello, mother.
Lynn, I want you to speak to ALF.
Speak to him or have your telephone privileges taken away.
You want me to speak to him? Fine, I'll speak to him. Have you told mom yet that you broke her ballerina?
KateMy ballerina?
Kate
My porcelain ballerina?
That was supposed to be a secret.
Kate
My wedding present porcelain ballerina?
Well, you told my secret first.
But that just slipped out.
Kate
My original, one of a kind, impossible to duplicate [angrily] PORCELAIN BALLERINA?
Do you know how silly the word "ballerina" sounds when you say it over and over? Ballerina, ballerina, ballerina.
Alright, everyone, stop, cease, desist. I want you to apologize to each other, and I want you to put all of this behind us. Fine. Lynn, go to your room. You, go to the garage.
Kate, I'm sorry I broke your wedding present. I was going to tell you.
Kate
Really? When?
I was waiting to see if the marriage would last.
Can I have Willie's meatloaf, Kate?
Kate
No!
Fine. If Willie isn't home by midnight, then can I have his meatloaf?
[Willie comes in]
Kate
Hi, honey.
Can I have your meatloaf?
Kate
Let Willie answer.
Kate
How was the union meeting?
Well, they elected me picket captain. What does that tell you?
Oh, you're going on strike?
I'm afraid so. Just the thought of it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Then meatloaf would only make you more queasy. [he was about to grab it but Willie takes his meatloaf away from him]
[comes in the room] Question.
Perhaps I spoke too soon.
Bottom line. I'm concerned about how this strike is gonna affect everyone, especially me.
Kate
Spoken like a true humanitarian.
I know. And I have the solution in 5 simple words, Willie gets another kob.
Good. I ran out of fingers.
Kate
As a matter of fact, I was just thinking that I should go back to work.
Kate
I have always worked, ALF. I sold real estate, by choice, until I got pregnant with Lynn, by choice. I went back to work, by choice, until I got pregnant with Brian, by choice. And I was just getting ready to go back to work, by choice, when we got you.
I have a gut feeling I'm not going to hear the words "by choice".
ALF, you know we're glad you're part of this family.
Kate
We are, ALF. Even at this inconveniently late hour.
Then isn't it time we made it official?
Oh, I don't even think we can do that. Can we? No, we can't do that.
Well, for starters, there's that species thing.
It doesn't bother you that I don't bear the Tanner name?
Kate
ALF, please. Go back to bed.
But Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?
Kate
Willie will be here.
No offense, but Kate, if you get a job, who's going to take care of me?
ALF, you're 231 years old. You should be able to take care of yourself by now.
You'd think so, wouldn't you?
Kate
[on the phone at work] Kate Tanner.
[on the phone at home] 'I knew that.'
Kate
Hi there. Why are you calling me here again?
Kate
Nice try.
No, he did. He did. He wanted me to ask you about the weather.
Kate
How about stormy? Did you have a special reason for calling me again?
Well, yeah, yeah. I have a question. How long does this career thing usually last?
Kate
ALF, we have been over this. I am here because I want to be. I want to work, I like to work I always planned to come back to work.
How can I make you understand this?
Kate
He thinks the lady doth protest her lunch. Too much.
Kate
I'm hanging up now. [hangs up the call]
[Kate comes home from work]
Kate
Hi, ALF. Hi, Willie. Willie, um, uh, re-remember the first time that, that I stopped working?
Um-m-m, it was when you were expecting Lynn.
Kate
Well, do you remember the second time?
When you were expecting Brian.
Kate
Well, you know, I haven't been feeling too great lately and, um, I've been feeling you know, kind of tired.
Well, gosh, honey, you ought to see a doctor.
Kate
I did.
Willie, you lox! Your wife is telling you she's about to spawn again!
Kate
You are?
Yeah. Are we. [he and Kate kiss each other]
Great! A new baby! We'll raise him as our own!
Kate
Well, he or she will be our own.
Well, as our own. It's not our own. Lynn! Brian! Come here, I want to tell you something!
Kate
I love you.
[he and Kate hug each other] Oh, I love you.
[as she and Brian go to the living room] What's up, dad?
There. There's going to be an addition, to our family.
Kate
No, it's not that. I'm gonna have a baby.
Kate
No, I'm not kidding.
Oh, mom! That's great! This is so '80s!
We-we'll discuss that later.
I can't believe it! You're gonna be a mother! Brian, get some papers. Lynn, boil some water.
Kate
Well, ALF, the baby won't be here for 8 months.
Who's talking about the baby? I want a cup of tea and I want to read the funnies.
I came with a peace offering. You want a flower?
Good. [eats the flower and burps] I came to say I'm sorry.
Apology accepted. Good night.
I realized I have no choice to sell out. The system is bigger than you are.
Kate
Well, we're both bigger than you, so leave.
Whoa, man. Bad vibrations. [leaves Willie and Kate's bedroom]
[Willie and ALF fight over the saw]
You are not going to saw our son!
Kate
You are not!
[Willie takes the saw away]
But I'm ready for big time. How long does a guy have to toil in kiddie tricks?
Maybe until he completes 1 or 2 of them successfully.
Maybe he doesn't stand a chance. When all the diagrams favored 5 flavored magicians.
Maybe he's gotten into something a little over his head.
Maybe at 3 foot 2, everything he gets into is over his head.
[returns back home after hiding in the car by ALF] Hi, ALF.
How did you do that? You didn't even move your little rabbit lips.
Brian, you're not a rabbit!
[as he and Kate found him] Oh, Brian!
Kate
Where have you been?
I was hiding in the car. But I got hungry.
Why were you hiding in the car?
I wanted ALF to think he made me disappear so he wouldn't think he's a bad magician.
Kate
Oh! Oh, honey. It was nice of you not to want ALF to feel bad but we were very, very worried about you.
Yeah! I thought I turned you into a rabbit.
Sorry, mom, dad. Sorry, ALF. I guess I messed up the trick.
That's okay, Bri. Now you can clean up your own pellets.
[ALF burps after having his dinner]
3. Number 4 still hasn't digested that Reebok.
[arrives home] Hi, everyone.
Gentlemen, start your enzymes.
Kate
I'll get dinner.
Don't tell me. That new guy at work held you up again.
Yeah. Once that Jim starts talking to us, it's impossible to get away. This time I actually had my hand on the car door before he got me.
Who is this guy? The idiot son of the boss?
Well, you better not be late tomorrow night. Or have you forgotten about helping me Put up the satellite dish?
Kate
What satellite dish?
Oh. I ordered a satellite dish. It'll be here tomorrow. Will you help me put it up?
I'll help you send it back.
Can't. I bought it during their "Absolutely No Refunds What Are You Deaf?" sale.
[panicking] Absolutely no refunds?!
[Willie and Kate quietly come in the kitchen]
Kate
ALF! How long have you been out here?
Long enough to hate little orphan whiney with every fiber of my being.
It's not his fault he's an orphan.
Wanna bet? He probably bored his parents to death.
Kate
Honey, it is time for him to go home.
I'm trying, Kate! The man cannot take a hint!
See if he can take a swift kick in the butt.
Alright, he's taken advantage of us long enough! I'm going to have to be firm with him!
"Firm?" Oh-h-h! I haven't you this worked up since the time you were "adamant." [Willie leaves the kitchen] Too rough? [Kate walks away]
[wakes up as hears a strange noise] What.. Oh. A stranger approaches. Steady, ALF. Steady. Don't soil yourself. [Jimbo jumps over the fence, he walks around the backyard, and gets caught in ALF's trap] Behold. Excalibur.
[comes to the backyard] ALF? What was that?
Willie, you're just in time. I caught a murderer! [Willie gasps and falls down to the hole that Jimbo fell on] Don't mention it.
My guess would be that he hit his head on your sewer pipe.
Kate
[as she and Lynn arrive at the backyard late at night] What's going on, ALF?
Why is dad going through the pockets of man in a hole in our backyard at night?
Kate
Because we have an alien.
Oh, right. What are you looking for?
Okay, but we split 50/50.
I am looking for identification!
You're wasting your time! No criminal's gonna carry ID on him!
Unless he's an FBI agent.
Kate
ALF!
[gasps] I disavow any knowledge of my actions. Bye!
[Kate and Willie go into the backyard to look for ALF]
Kate
ALF? Where are you?
Maybe he's in the garage.
[gets up from the hole] Ah, oh, ow!' Oh, ah. Stupid pipe!
ALF, guess what? For once your overreacting actually paid off. That guy you caught really was a crook! As it turns out, you are a hero!
Well, that's nice. Really great. Just 1 question.
Kate
Yeah?
[at the end, the family gives ALF a homemade medal for his bravery]
For meritorious service above and beyond the call of duty we hereby present to you the Tanner Medal of Honor.
Kate
Hear, hear!
Shucks, folks. I'm speechless, almost. 11 score and 12 years ago. [reads from a book] My parents brought forth a new hero conceived in a De Soto, and dedicated-
Kate
[interrupted ALF's reading] ALF. ALF, wrap it up or we take the medal back.
As God as my witness I'll never be hungry again. Thank you. [the family claps for him] And now, Kate, how about making me a hero sandwich? [laughs, but he hides under the table as Trevor knocks on the door]
[Willie opens the door and finds Trevor cover by ALF's trap]
You got something I could cut Raquel down with?
I think there's something in the garage. I'll help you.
If you don't want people taking avocados from your tree just say so. [he and Willie leave the house]
[gets up as Kate stares at him] Last trap, I promise.
Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente. Cooked to a golden amber, and served piping hot on a gently warmed plate. [Kate puts the waffle on his plate] How does she do it?
Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?
On waffles? How gauche. Get me the garlic salt?
Guess what? The car won't start again.
3 times in 2 weeks. Every time they fix 1 thing, something else goes wrong.
Well, I don't get it. Why keep spending money on something that doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation?
Kate
Somehow we've gotten used to it. [ALF burps] Sort of.
Speaking of aggravation we're out of garlic salt.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! Guess who?
Let me take a stab. It's the wacky next door neighbor. [hides under the table]
Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. Hi, kids.
I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.
Well, as a matter of fact, I do. My car won't start again.
You should let Jake take a look at it. Kid could fix anything, has my car running like Florence Joyner. Oh, by the way, Jake will be doing the driving this morning. I hope you don't mind.
I didn't know Jake could drive.
He just got his learner's permit. I'm teaching him. Kid's a natural. 5 days he's been driving, hasn't hit a living thing. We'll bring the car out front.
[hiding under the table] Yo, Lynn, you could use a pedicure. [Lynn kicks him from under the table] Ow!
[while reading a book] Hey, hey, did you know that if you looked really carefully you could see Elvis in one of the crowd scenes in Gandhi?
Do you believe everything you read?
Yeah, except for stuff marked unbreakable.
Kate
Where'd you get that book anyway?
I joined the legend of the month club. Next month, they're doing Steve Allen.
Kate
Sorry, I asked.
ALF, Elvis Presley died more than 10 years ago.
Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain this shocking photograph of Elvis standing in line for Pirates of the Caribbean?
ALF · 397 quotes
