Let's just take a look at our electric bill for example it's 3 times what it used to be.
Maybe it's the porch light you leave on every time I go out.
KateAnd we've been keeping the thermostat down to 70.
And I turn off the dryer as soon as I wake up.
Well, we're just going. The, the dryer? What do you mean turn off the dryer? Why, why would you even turn it on?
To keep me company at night. Why? Is 8 hours too long?
What if I just leave it on delicates?
Leave it off. Now, let's get back to the rest of our money problems.
No chance of your getting a better job I suppose.
I like my job. The money's fine. Who made this call to Munich? Munich, Germany?
Kate
Munich? That has to be a mistake.
Kate
You called Munich. Why?
Remember the vacuum cleaner I broke?
Kate
Yeah.
Well, the repair place said they couldn't get the chicken salad out of the impeller blade and they had to send it to Germany for an overhaul.
That doesn't explain why you'd call Germany.
Hey, I believe in following things through.
Let's move on to another problem. Food.
I'm gonna go get some cookies. [he gets up and gets some cookies]
I don't think that all of us are aware how much food costs.
We're all out of macaroons. All we got are chocolate chips.
Let alone how much food is being consumed for that matter.
[while eating] Is something wrong?
You're eating all our food!
I'm beginning to realize what this is all about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!
No one thinks you're a parasite.
Well, freeloader's closer.
Kate
Where did you hear that?
That's what you called him last week!
Kate
Let's just settle on parasite and move on.
Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room. Not wasting money. [walks off]
[ALF is making a cake for Willie and Kate's anniversary]
Well, it's only toothpaste. Kate, Willie, you can come out now.
Kate
[offscreen] Be right there.
[singing as Kate and Willie enter the living room] Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy happy anniversary!
Cut, cut, cut. what's going on here?
Lyrics too complicated? Happy Anniversary! [pop] Yeah!
Kate
Well ALF, this is all very nice.
Yes, thank you, but the only problem is-
Problems, shmoblems sit down and relax. The old ALFer's doing it all tonight.
Kate
ALF!
The cooking, the serving, the cleaning, course when you two get into the bedroom, you're on your own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
[walks over to Willie and Kate] What's going on?
It looks like that the old ALFer is throwing us a surprise anniversary party.
Just a little informal nothing. Lobster pate?
Aren't you two going out tonight?
Kate
Well ALF, that's what we're trying to tell you we have plans to see Nicholas Nickleby.
The tickets were very hard to get.
Kate
We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. Cutting roses so they look like radishes.
And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.
The fluorescent kind. I wanted it to be special.
Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.
No problem. So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday. How old are you gonna be?
Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?
Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!
Kate
Have you decided what you want on your cake Brian?
Frosting! [he and ALF laugh]
Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decorations you want on your cake. Robin Hood, Hopalong Cassidy, Archie, and Jughead.
People mom and dad went to school with.
Perhaps those outdated examples.
Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake? Ruth, the two-headed nurse.
Kate
Ruth?
Yeah, she was the Vanna White on Melmac, and the Betty White.
Kate
Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decorations?
I can't decide right now.
If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.
Kate
Fine.
Give me 5! [Brian high-fives him] Yeah!
Give me 4! [ALF high-fours him]
[ALF is laying on the couch while Kate and Lynn check his temperature]
Just fluff 'em up. Just a bit. How's the tempt, Lynn?
[sighs] 425 degrees, ALF.
Normal. Normal's being on your own planet, not here.
ALF, I know you miss your friends and family. But we're your family now and...and we'd do anything for you. Wouldn't we, mom?
Kate
I think we are.
Any chance of reheating this soup?
Kate
[sighs] My pleasure.
Oh, and you might wanna run a Dustbuster over this couch. I seem to be shedding.
ALF, I'm not going all the way out to the garage to get the Dustbuster.
[loudly] Be realistic, Kate! It's not gonna come to you!
Kate
ALF, I'm gonna tell you something now and I want you to listen to me. Very carefully.
Let me get the Dustbuster. [leaves]
Kate
Now, I realize that you miss Rhonda and that you're homesick and people that are sick are not themselves. [ALF blows nose] They say things they don't mean they act in ways they wouldn't- [ALF wheezes] ordinarily act. But if you ever talk to me like that again I'll punch your heart out.
SSkip
[on the radio] Hey! Where'd you guys go? I don't have all day.
It's really him! It's Skip! Skip, Skip, can you hear me?
SSkip
[on the radio] Yeah, yeah. Hear you loud and clear. Who was I talking to before?
Oh, well, that was one of the kids.
SSkip
[on the radio] Kids? You got kids now?'
No. Well, well, they're not mine. I mean, I'm just living with them and their parents.
SSkip
[on the radio] Hi, kid.
I'm Willie, and this is Kate. Kate, say hi to Skip!
Kate
Hi, Skip.
SSkip
[on the radio] I got to Hambetal, and I'm headed for Andromeda. Give me your coordinates. I'll do a fly-by. Pick you up tomorrow, about 7ish.
Oh, tomorrow? That's Brian's birthday.
Yeah, you can come to my birthday party.
Well, sure. We'd love to have you! Wouldn't we, dear?
Kate
Right! Mi casa su casa.
Skip, Skip, can you maybe make it next week? I hate to miss Brian's birthday, and, Friday, the transvestites are back on "Donahue."
SSkip
[on the radio] Do what you have to do. But I know someone else who's gonna be really disappointed. Rhonda.
Rhonda? You've seen Rhonda?
SSkip
[on the radio] Seen her? She's right here. Hey, say something, sweetheart.
RRhonda
[on the radio] Hi, cutie.
Forget the transvestites. See you tomorrow! Yeah!
Kate
Here you go, Bri, bring the plates. [hands Brian the plates]
[burps] Nice meal, Kate. Even though the portions were extremely small.
Kate
Sorry, we only had one pot roast.
Guess what? The most exciting thing just happened. Scott Maynard wants to keep all of his band equipment in our garage.
You should see him, he's gorgeous.
He has darker hair. And less of it.
Anyway, dad, he's got this rock band and they keep their instruments and stuff in his garage but Scott's dad's having this garage sale tomorrow and he said that if Scott doesn't get all of his stuff out of there tonight he'll sell it off for $5, so is it okay?
Is what okay? I missed most of that.
Please, dad, he wants to come over tonight.
Yeah, tonight. In about 15 minutes, if dad says yes.
You and Lynn have a date?
We're gonna redecorate my room.
I'm sorry, ALF, we'll have to redecorate another time.
Mom, can I borrow your pink sweater?
Kate
Your father hasn't said yes yet.
Dad, Scott could have called anybody in school about this but he chose me.
Please, dad, it's just for 2 days.
I suppose Scott can keep his instruments here.
Kate
Yes. You can use the pink sweater.
Thanks. [she leaves the kitchen]
Well, guess it's just me and my swatches.
Remember the decorating rules. The decorating consists of a couple of posters maybe a coat of paint.
Boy, you would've been a lot of fun during the Renaissances.
[the family is celebrating Willie's birthday]
To a super dad, husband, and earthling.
Thanks, thanks everyone. I'm very, very touched. Thank you, dear.
Kate
Happy birthday, darling. [Willie kisses her]
Happy birthday, daddy. [Willie hugs him]
Many more dad. [Willie kisses her]
Thanks, sweetheart. Thank you, ALF. Thank- [ALF looks closely at his face as Willie gives him a kiss]
Whoa! Not bad! Still waters run deep there, William.
Okay, 1, 2, 3! [he blows the candles and everybody laughs after Willie blows the candles] What is this? The 5th year now and I fall for it every single time.
Back off there Willie Bob, let me give it a shot. [pours the water on the candles and Willie's cake]
Kate
[offscreen] ALF!
[ALF and the Tanners find out about the red car]
I didn't steal it. I bought it. For Lynn.
It would've been here last week, but I held out for red.
It's true. Everybody wants red.
Kate
ALF, how did you buy this car?
I got it through my broker.
The one I hired to sell the gold from my spaceship.
Wait, wait, wait. Let's just take this one step at a time. You bought a car?
Yes. The papers are in that envelope.
Had gold. All the plumbing on my ship was gold. Except for the bidet. That was platinum.
ALF, this is the most wonderful present anyone has ever given me.
Aw, you're just saying that.
No! No, I mean it. It's incredible.
[reading a letter] Schecter, Cosay, and Klein. Investment Brokers. Dear ALF, congratulations. Or should I say, congratulazione. I've sold the balance of your gold and will invest the proceeds. In that mango farm in Oxnard. All the best. Joel.
Look at this interior. [goes inside the red car]
The dashboard is burled mahogany, grown in the Ferrari family's private arboretum.
And check out these wheels.
Kate
Oh, feel this leather.
Virgin ox. Albino virgin.
Kate
Oh, my gosh. Willie, look, a cellular phone.
Programmed for speed dialing. Come on, Willie, park your carcass on that virgin ox.
Yeah? No, no. [refuses to get inside the car] I'm not getting in that car. I can't. ALF, we're not keeping the car.
[mimicking] Because it's wrong. Why don't we needlepoint that into a sampler!
Look, we are not keeping a car that cost $60,000.
What's bugging you, Willie? Is it that your daughter drives a better car than you do?
That has nothing to do with it. We're returning this car. Call Joel.
I can't. He's in Palm Springs till Thursday.
Dad, please. I'll let you drive my car anytime you want.
You wanna see how the Gucci airbag works?
It's obvious we cannot have a rational conversation in the presence of a Ferrari.
Alright. We'll go to the kitchen.
No, we'll go into the kitchen. You stay here. Come on, Lynn. Don't touch that airbag!
Fine. I'll just preset the radio.
[ALF comes out of the car and finds it broken]
[finds the car that ALF crashed in the garage] ALF! ALF, are you okay?
Don't worry, I'm fine. But this phone is a piece of junk. I'm gonna call Joel just as soon as he gets back from the Springs.
Forget the phone, forget Joel. You've just crashed into our garage. For the second time, I might point out!
I'm sorry, Willie, I really am. I think I might need glasses.
Glasses? I think you might need a lawyer.
Kate
Now, Willie, calm down.
May I just say to you, think it's very irresponsible of you. To take the car out on the road like this. To endanger your life and the lives of others. And to make us worry. And this sort of thing seems to be repeating itself over and over again.
There have been some fun times. Tell him, Kate.
Kate
There have been some fun times. ALF, a lot of fun times, but this isn't one of them.
Look at what you've done!
Alright, alright, calm down. Don't worry about it, Willie. I'll pay for it.
And how do you propose to do that?
Well, I'll call Joel tomorrow, I'll sell the car, and we'll use the money to fix the garage.
You'll do that? You'll call Joel?
Well, actually, it'll be Joel's assistant, because as I have mentioned, Joel is in the Springs.
Kate
That sounds fair, doesn't it, Willie?
I suppose so. I suppose it does, ALF. I'm glad you weren't hurt.
Thanks. Of course I'll want a complete physical before I sign anything. Just kidding, just kidding. [phone rings] That'll be Mrs. Ochmonek about the hedge.
Kate
[walks away] I'll get it.
Uh, that'll be the people across the street. Does your insurance cover front porches?
I'll be right back. Don't leave town. [leaves]
ALF, I don't think I can ever repay you for what you've done. What have you done?
Well, I ran over a few front lawns, clipped a couple of jade trees. The rest is a blur.
I'd better go see if I can help out. [walks away]
I think I'll turn in early tonight. [hides away inside the car when a light shines on him]
Yo Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?
Kate
Why?
The cat won't fit in the toaster. Never mind, I'll make a peanut butter sandwich, where's the blender?
Kate
Try it without the blender this time, and don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.
Yes, that's the answer. San Diego.
Kate
Fine. What was the question?
Where shall we go on vacation? I say we would should go to San Diego.
Kate
Oh, San Diego sounds fine. But, what about ALF?
We don't have to check with ALF. That's where we're going, San Diego, it's really got something for everyone. It's not just an empty slogan.
I'm sorry. Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter, or I shouldn't?
Kate
Just toss it out.
The hair or the peanut butter?
Kate
Both!
Kate
Why don't I believe that?
Oh my gosh there having a Shakespeare festival.
Kate
Willie, there's hair in our peanut butter.
Love boat's, Bernie Koppel is playing Hamlet.
Kate
What are we going to do about-
[as grease fire starts to come out] GREASE FIRE! GREASE FIRE!
Kate
ALF!
[inside the kitchen] Never mind the curtains, put me out!
[the Tanners leave the trailer but they ended up staying in the trailer as a thunder booms]
Kate
Chutes and Ladders anyone?
I'll set up the barbecue, anybody hungry?
Kate
You're not going out there?
I'll cook under the awning.
Need some help bobbing for firewood?
One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.
Right. Let the alien starve.
I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a new experience for you! [pause] How would you like your hamburger?
Medium rare. Hold the lightning.
How would you like to be 50% hair?
You know, you're a different person when you're on vacation.
I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.
By trying to keep a positive attitude! You might do that yourself. INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME!
Kate
[annoyed] Guys, please.
Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest!
We're in this rainforest because of you!
You're not voting in this.
Call the newspapers! Democracy is dead!
You wanna to go home, go! No one's stopping him!
Kate
Willie!
You want me to go? I'll go!
Fine, I'm going. [he leaves but Brian stops him]
Sorry, Brian. I have my pride.
Kate
Come on, ALF! You're not really going.
I'm out of here. I'm history! [opens a door when a thunder booms] I'm going to die! [leaves]
Kate
Oh Willie, I want to see this. Look. Here, the very first Christmas card we ever got.
From our good friends at the gas company.
Kate
Oh that was a good first Christmas, wasn't it? We relaxed, we stayed in bed late and-
Was too cold to get up. Our friends of the gas company turned off the heat.
[comes in the Willie and Kate's bedroom] Merry Christmas! [rattles]
He knows when we're awake.
It's the day before Christmas. I've hidden all the eggs!
ALF, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.
Oh, that's right. Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin!
Kate
While you two get these holidays straighten out, I think I'll just go make breakfast.
Not necessary. I already made breakfast. Sloppy joes and fiber glass.
Kate
I'll just go find the eggs.
Why did you make us breakfast?
Santa's. You know the fat guy that dresses in velvet. I found out that he watches everything you do right sit down and if you're naughties outnumber your nice is you don't get toys.
So you made us breakfast? Can't hurt. Oh, oh, and I've got another surprise for you.
Kate
[voiceover] Willie! Our Christmas tree!
I don't want to spoil the surprise.
ALF! You cut our tree in the firewood! [looks at the chopped tree that ALF cutted]
You're welcome. [rattles]
[at the end, the family opens their presents on Christmas Day]
This is great Brian, it's forgiving eye exams. Right, Brian?
No, you look into it and push the button.
It's Sylvester & Tweety! Ha! Die cat! Die! Yeah!
Kate
Yeah and we ended up with a really beautiful tree.
It should be. It cost me $367 what with the fine I'm towing.
Who are these presents for?:
Oh, I almost forgot, a few tokens from the old ALFer.
Kate
Well, you got us presents? ALF, you can't shop. This is America, Kate. Everybody can shop. I use the catalog.
Thanks ALF. Look a staple gun.
Kate
Goodness, a rotary sander for me.
Kate
It is the thought that counts.
And the important thing is we're all together. Inthe words of the immortal St. Frosty the Snowman. God bless us all everyone.
[Brian uses a reef blower to blow away the opened Christmas wrappers as the episode ends]
[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]
Kate
Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!
Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]
What brings her out this way?
Kate
ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!
All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]
[she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?
They're making her stand outside.
[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]
Kate
Mom! Go in!
[ALF is pounding nails on the sign in the door]
Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?
To keep the sign from falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?
Thanks for offering, but the job's already done. [Willie takes the hammer away from ALF]
[she and Brian come to the living room] Morning. Morning, dad.
Have you practiced the poem?
But nothing. Let's hear it.
LBLynn and Brian
Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Maybe another "goodbye" in there.
Kate
[comes out of the kitchen with a so long bag] What's this stuff in this bag?
I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities. I emphasize the word "travel."
Kate
[looks inside the bag] Magazines, Kleenex, breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.
If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.
How very thoughtful of you.
And, of course, the bag will come in handy in case of turbulence. Or if they show Howard the duck.
[walks up to the Tanners] Guess what! I'm not leaving.
ALF, don't be rude. [pause] Why not, Dorothy?
I could just kill Estelle. She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, I hate doing this. But, well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.
You know, there's a nice motel down the street. [Dorothy and the Tanners stare at him] Just a thought.
ALF · 397 quotes
