[ALF is sitting on the sofa while Willie and Kate bring a box to the living room]
Watch out for that table.
KateOh. I see it.
I don't know how your mother's gonna get all this stuff in that little, little apartment.
Kate
Well, you've never seen the inside of her handbag.
Yes. But no heavier than other boxes you've watched us carry.
Would you mind licking this stamp?
Can't you lick that yourself?
Not with chocolate on my tongue.
Where did you get the chocolate?
It's the funniest thing. I found a whole box in the back of your closet.
I was going to give that to Kate for Valentine's Day.
Kate
Oh, Willie, that's sweet.
Whining is not going to bring it back!
Kate
Willie, it's, it's alright. Maybe he, uh, [opens box] he did! He forgot the second layer.
Right! I only licked those! [pause] Great. Now nobody can eat them.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.
We don't have a whirling hot tub.
I know, I'm gonna improvise.
Kate
Nope, sorry.
Kate
Yeah. All of it. [pause] But ALF, I don't want you joining anymore record clubs.
Fine, fine, fine. Oh hey, before I forget, I need you to write out a couple of checks: One to Greenpeace and one to the auto club.
You're a member of the auto club?
Kate
Well, I'm not writing anymore checks.
Well, fine, my checks just came. Oh darn, I ordered sunrise. They sent me sunset.
Kate
Go take your bath.
Fine. I wish these insurance companies would leave me alone. I'm already fully covered through the auto club. [leaves]
Kate
I just know he's gonna get hair in the drain.
He was wearing a shower cap.
Kate
Why was he carrying my mixer into the bathroom?
He said something about a whirling hot tub.
[gets hurt offscreen] Whoa!
Kate
ALF! [she and Lynn get up] Oh my gosh. [finds ALF walking to the living room] ALF? Are you alright?
ALF? There must be some mistake. I'm Wayne Shagele, Michigan Life and Company. [nods his head]
I can't believe that you called the police!
What goes around, comes around.
Kate
What are we gonna do when the police come here?
Well, why don't you tell them that they're aliens, and then take their clothes?
Look, who took whose clothes? You don't know the mistake you just made!
Yeah? Well, you're the one who's making a mistake, tangling with a man from Michigan-
TThe Tanners
Life and Casualty.
Now the cops are gonna lock you up, and you'll get a taste what it's like to be a prisoner.
I already know what's like, thanks to you.
[after he returns back to normal] The last thing I remember, was this big flash of light. I smiled because I thought someone was taking my picture. And that's about it. Oh and that Chung Insurance is cheaper than whole life.
Kate
Well, it's a start. [the door knocks] Oh my gosh! It's the police!
Now what did you guys do? I swear, if it's not 1 thing with this family it's another. Hey, what am I doing in this cheap polyester suit?
Come on, ALF. You'd better go.
Fine if you all need me I'll be in the whirling hot tub. [leaves]
[Luis enters the Tanner's house and meets with the Tanner family]
Everybody, this is Luis Mancia. Luis, this is everybody. This is Kate, uh- This is Señorita Tanner, This is-
He saw your picture. Your school picture on my desk.
You know I hate that picture. I wish you wouldn't show it to people.
Kate
What's the matter with it?
I look like the village idiot.
Kate
Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.
People, people. Luis, this is Brian.
Kate
Luis, it's good to have you here.
Luis is going to stay here tonight.
Great, he can have my room, and I'll sleep in the laundry room with-
I think the couch will be fine. I think A-L-F can sleep in the garage.
Kate
Brian, why don't you show Luis Where he can wash up for dinner.
Okay. C'mon, Luis. [he leaves the living room with Luis]
Just a second. Easy shot! Ha! That's exactly why the martians are extinct.
What do they do? Crash in your garage, eat all your food, dig up your yard?
Yes, I am! Because I found my good hoe, in this condition! [holds up a pole with a bit of mangled scrap iron on one end]
Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was plowing up my garden and I hit a water main. Don't worry, it wasn't yours.
So, you're giving up gardening?
Not giving it up. Just switching crops.
Kate
[offscreen] Willie!
Earthworms. [Willie leaves] Hey, I think I know that guy!
Just try it again. This time I'll get it.
Okay, tell me what I'm thinking.
Okay. You're thinking of the 1927 Yankees.
I'm still thinking of a fork.
But didn't one of their pitchers throw a fork ball?
Oh, we're okay. Don't get up.
Guess what, Alf can read our minds.
He's not reading mine at the moment.
Yes, I am. I'm just ignoring you.
How to develop your psychic awareness in one afternoon.
Yeah. Came with a pair of these x-ray glasses.
You wasted good money on a mind reading kit?
We'll make it all back with our stock market picks.
Kate
ALF. You come from an advanced civilisation. How can you be so gullible?
You're right. I'm ashamed. Nice underwear Kate.
Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?
Thanks! [exits the living room]
He might! [Kate screams from the shower] He did.
[reappears in the living room] Found her!
ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.
I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.
I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.
Alright, alright. We're movin' on. I need to have a family meeting here. [hangs up the phone that Lynn is using]
Kate
[angrily] You do that again, you're a seat cover!
Kate
You know what!
ALF, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.
You're right. I'm sorry. You look a little different today.
Did you used to have a moustache?
Yeah but didn't you used to have a moustache too?
Kate
ALF, what do have to say that's so important?
You better not be finished.
I wasn't. Tomorrow is the 2nd.
Hey wait, wait. Come here. Come back here. Every 75 years on March 2nd, I go through a complex physiological and psychological transformation.
I go goofy. All Melmacians go through it. From sunrise to sunset my personality will change dramatically.
How dramatic is this change?
One never knows till it happens. But expect the unexpected. Wildly erratic behavior, personality shifts. The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat. Any questions?
Oh, ah, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.
[the Tanners prepared a cage for ALF]
Well, I guess it's that time.
Thanks Brian. Now remember Willie, you are not, I repeat not to let me out of here under any circumstances. Is that clear?
Good. [he enters the cage] Good, now let me out. I have to use the little aliens room.
What are you doing!? Are you crazy? Didn't I say not to open this door under any circumstances?
Well I thought, I thought you really had to go.
You have a lunatic on your hands here. You got to be prepared for all kinds of diabolical tricks.
You know, maybe I should go, just to be on the safe side.
Good. You're finally catching on. Now, now let me out I have to go.
[ALF howls]
Kate
Maybe he's in pain.
That's just another one of his tricks.
Help! Help! Fire! Somebody let me out.
Kate
He's lying.
Ohh, there's a big rat in here.
[in Lynn's voice] Mom, Dad, get me out of here.
Kate
Lynn, that sounded just like you.
Excuse me but this is really weird. I can't watch.
[in Brian's voice] Wait for me. Wait for me.
Oh Brian, you better go to your room too. This could get out of hand.
[in Willie's voice] This could get out of hand! This could get out of hand!
It's going to be a long night.
[Brian is locked inside the cage by ALF in the middle of the night]
[inside the cage] Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Let me out!
Oh boy, he does a good Brian.
You'd hardly know it was ALF.
[inside the cage] It's me, it's really me!
Kate
Honey, maybe it is Brian.
But that can't be. Brian's in bed.
Kate
Brian!!
Kate
Honey, honey, it looks just like Brian.
Maybe ALF can change his shape, too.
[inside the cage] No he can't. It's me.
Alright, alright. If you're really Brian what's your favorite food?
Kate
No, no, no, that is his favourite food.
I thought it was Lynn liked spaghetti.
Kate
No
Kate
No
Say, what's your favourite food?
I don't know. White boiled potatoes.
I thought you liked spaghetti.
Kate
Willie! Willie, I'm going to open this cage.
No wait. What's your mother's maiden name?
Well, you know it's the name she had before she was married.
No, her other name. Her last name.
Kate
Oh, Brian! Honey!
Kate
Oh, honey.
He told me the change was over. I'm really sorry.
Kate
Oh, honey, it's alright. But what were you doing up in the middle of the night?
I thought I wanted some milk. Maybe it was ALF was trying to call me in my mind.
No, I don't think so, Brian.
The gate to the Ochmoneks' is wide open.
Oh, no. Lucky's over there. I'm going to go next door and see if ALF is there. You stay here in case he comes back.
Kate
Oh, well, you'd both better go back to bed.
Kate
Alright, alright, we'll stay up and have a snack. What would you like?
LBLynn and Brian
Spaghetti. White boiled potatoes.
[ALF is pretending to be Willie and Willie is pretending to be ALF]
Okay, since we're at the dinner table, let's just act we would at a dinner table, and we can start off by you Willie being ALF.
Food! Food! Give me more food! I haven't had a meal in, oh, half an hour! HA!
No, no, ALF! No, no! No food for you! You already ate last month!
[burps] I finished my meal. I guess I'll go watch TV while everyone else does the dishes!
I think we watch enough TV in this house. We ought to do something more stimulating. I know. Let's conjugate verbs!
No, how about, how about if we just break things? [crumbles up a piece of bread]
Oh, no, that would be wrong! Wro-WROOOOOONG!
Alright, then. How about if we eat the cat? [eyes Lynn as if she was the cat] How ya doin', Lucky?
Sorry. Household rule #856, subsection D, paragraph 2: We do not eat the cat!
Oh, rules, schmules! I hate rules! I like, I like anarchy!
Well, I don't believe in anarchy! It's much too spontaneous! Wow, look how late it's getting. And I still have to lay out my clothes for the rest of the year!
That's it. This isn't helping. I quit.
Kate
ALF, there are no winners in this thing.
Well, I was ahead on points.
Well, I think I've heard enough. I mean, you guys obviously don't get along, okay? I think, ALF should move out.
Move out? What does he mean, move out?
Are you sayin' that ALF should get a place of his own?
Kate
Well, that-that's crazy. Do you know what rents are? What am I talking about?
You can move in with me. I've got an extra room.
ALF, you're not going anywhere.
Because people would find him out.
Well, I don't want anything to happen to him.
Uh-huh. You do care what happens to ALF.
Well, of course I care. I always did. I just think that sometimes, it seems that, that ALF doesn't care a heck of a lot about me.
Not care? Not care about the guy who's protected me and provided for me for all these months?
You appreciated all of that?
Of course, I appreciate it. Hey, if you got a problem, let's talk. I mean, if fake vomit's not your cup of tea I'll lose it.
Oh, yeah, I'd appreciate that. And, in return, I'll, really try to be...more flexible.
Hey, see what a little communication can do?
Well, I think we've all become a little closer here. We should toast this occasion.
Kate
That's a good idea.
Yeah, come on, dad, make a toast.
Communication. [he and the family toast their glasses, then he drinks water out of his glass] And to, dribble glasses.
[ALF barges into Willie and Kate's room and wake them both up]
Call the police! Call the police! Call the police! Horrible! Horrible! Worse than Friday the 13th Part 2! Worse than Friday the 13th Part 3!
[finds ALF] ALF, what's going on?
Kate
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about murder. I'm talking about mayhem. I'm talking about foul play.
ALF, get to the point or go back to sleep.
Alright. I just saw Mr. Ochmonek kill Mrs. Ochmonek.
I'm serious. I heard them fighting. Then I saw Mr. Ochmonek pick up an ice pick.
Maybe you misinterpreted things.
Oh, right. Maybe they were playing ice pick bingo.
Kate
ALF, you we're always doing. Do you remember when you thought Mr. Littwak was building an atomic bomb in his basement?
Ha! The Littwak's don't even own a pool.
Kate
Yes, they do.
Look, it's hot tonight, you're tired. You're having a hard time distinguishing fantasy from reality.
So you're saying I'm crazy?
I'm saying your mind may have been playing tricks on you.
Fine, don't believe me. They didn't believe The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The Boy Who Cried Wolf lied.
He did? I've gotta stop speed-reading books.
[ALF wakes up and screams in the middle of the night when he pulls up the curtain to find Trevor scaring him]
Whoa. It was only a dream. I've gotta stop eating Styrofoam before I go to bed. [he screams again when he finds Trevor standing next to him until the Tanners come]
ALF! ALF, are you alright?
Kate
ALF!
Hey, watch the shoulders! I've got bursitis.
ALF, what were you screaming about?
It was horrible. Trevor was after me.
I don't see Mr. Ochmonek.
Well, he was here a minute ago. Check behind the refrigerator.
Kate
Brian, ALF was just having a nightmare.
That is exactly what happens to people who stare into other people's windows.
Isn't he wonderful? The guy can turn anything into an object lesson.
Would you like us to stay with you for a little while?
Come on, Brian. ALF, try to get some sleep.
I can't. I'm too wound up. I've been through a trauma.
Kate
Come on, Lynnie, let's go to bed. Good night, ALF.
[voiceover] Good night, ALF.
[Kate and Lynn leave the kitchen]
Okay, don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Ignore that. Ignore that. Oh, heck, why must I be so darn curious? [he pulls up the blinds and finds Trevor digging a hole outside in the middle of the night] Alas, poor Mrs. Ochmonek, I knew her well.
[on the phone] Oh, hello. Is this Mr. Ochmonek I'm speaking to? Oh, jolly good. I'm doing a survey for the BBC and I wonder if you'd like to answer some questions. Super. First off, what would you say is the difference between American and British television? Uh-huh. [Kate goes up to him] Fine. And thank you, Mr. Ochmonek. Question number 2. Did you kill your wife?
Kate
ALF!
Got to go, the queen just dropped by. [hangs up the phone]
Kate
What were you doing?
Kate
You were harassing Trevor.
Kate, I saw the man bury his wife in the backyard last night.
Kate
Look, don't you remember? You were dreaming.
No, this WAS REAL. Look, I took these pictures.
Kate
These are all black.
You wanted me to use a flash? The guy's a murderer.
Kate
ALF, please, please, just give your imagination a rest.
Kate
What if I gave justice a cookie?
Justice will think about it. [walks off]
ALF · 397 quotes
