Kate[comes out of the kitchen while the family is having dinner] Huh. Well, here's an expression I'm not often called on to use. ALF, your dinner's getting cold.
[comes to the dining room, singing] Uncle Neal has gone away, Doo-da doo-da, I can eat out here today, All doo-day long, Everybody! Gonna eat all day-
[interrupts ALF's song] ALF, I really don't appreciate that at all.
Okay. Then you wanna hear how I changed the words to "Helter Skelter"?
I'm gonna miss him. It was fun having Uncle Neal around.
Kate
Hmm. Well, he's just down the street. You can go visit him. I know he's really lonely since Margaret left him.
Hey, he had a bad marriage. Who hasn't, right, Willie?
What's Uncle Neal's new apartment like?
Much too close to this house.
Kate
It's nice. It's small but at least he has more room than he had in the camper.
I thought the camper was neat. It had a toilet right in the shower.
So do we. Oh, what? Like you've never done it?
[gets out of the kitchen and meets Neal] Sorry. [Kate feels shocked] You must be Neal. I'm Gordon Shumway. Did I kill him?
Oh, my God, you're for real.
Yeah, yeah, let's get past this. I'm an alien and you're not.
Wow. This is gonna take some time to sink in.
Well, while you're in a daze, let me show you where your brother keeps his band saw.
I'm being insulted by an alien from space.
Not without dinner and a show.
I have a million questions I wanna ask you.
I'm sure. Keep them to yourself, huh? Now, enough of this small talk. Let's get down to business. I understand you're quite the cook.
Do you eat like earthlings?
Do I eat like earthlings? Willie, tell him.
He eats. He doesn't chew.
I don't know what to say. This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
Kate's right. Get a life.
Kate
ALF.
Well, he may as well know. I mean, we're all family now.
[comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.
Kate
What is it?
I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?
Kate
Lucky? Oh no.
That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.
Kate
Well honey, what happened?
Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.
Kate
Poor Lucky.
[after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?
[the Tanners are outside the backyard having Lucky's funeral]
[praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.
Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."
Kate
ALF!
Hey, they were his words!
Life is eternal and, love is immortal and death is but a horizon. [ALF blows his nose] What we return to the Earth, we receive back...tenfold. Tragic. A tragic waste.
Kate
Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?
Kate
Honey. It might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him.
Kate
Brian, it's okay if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to.
There's nothing I wanna say.
Kate
Come on, Bri. Let's go inside. [she and Brian leave]
[after Kate and Brian left] Funeral poopers!
Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?
Well, excuse me. But where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.
Why don't you just, go inside with them.
Why? I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt.
Not a chance. I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place.
Well, can I at least put something in there with him?
Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just hurry up.
This was Lucky's favorite toy. He loved the sound the little metal bell made. It wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world. [jiggles to Lucky's toy]
I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this.
This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti.
[on the phone] Yes, I'm canceling that appointment. Well, I don't feel that I have any use for a home flotation tank. I suppose I do sound like I could use one. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]
Kate
ALF, are you sure that's all the appointments you set up?
Yeah, yeah. You know you just blew our shot at winning the round trip on the Fun Bus to Vegas?
If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. You're not to invite salesmen into the house!
Well, it is funny how that hasn't sunk in yet. Why do you suppose that is?
Because you don't listen.
Should I assume the position?
Go to the attic until we decide what to do with you.
No? What do you mean, no?
I mean I'm not going. What do you think about that?
As long as you're living under this roof, you'll do what we tell you to do!
Well, in that case, I'm out of here. I'm hitting the bricks. I'm history, I'm vapor.
Yeah, sure. We've heard that before.
Yeah. Well, not another day under tyranny's heavy thumb. Goodbye, Willie. Goodbye, Kate. Goodbye, children. I think I shall miss you most of all. [leaves]
Yeah. Okay, go. We'll warn you just before the automatic sprinklers go on.
Don't bother. This time I mean it.
If there's one thing that alien has learned in his time on Earth it's how to make an exit.
[voiceover from outside, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!
[Kate and Willie get up in the middle of night to hear a strange noise]
Kate
I'm sure I heard something. Honey, what if it's a burglar?
Don't worry, honey. I've got the lamp.
[Kate turns on the light as she and Willie got shocked that they find Neal sleeping in the living room]
Oh. Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.
Neal, what are you doing here?
I couldn't sleep at my house.
Kate
ALF?
It's okay. It's-it's okay. You're with friends now.
Willie, I tried. I tried reasoning. I asked nicely. How do you handle? How do you afford?
Well, Kate's working now and we're on our third mortgage. We're desperately hoping that Lynn will marry well.
[gets up in the middle of the night and finds Neal] Hi, Uncle Neal. Are you okay?
He will be. Just take deep breaths, Neal. That's what we always did at first.
I mean, don't get me wrong. He's a nice little guy. We've actually had some nice conversations. [angrily] But I want him OUT OF MY HOUSE! [normal] I'm sorry. I haven't slept in 4 days. Or was it 9?
Kate
Neal, calm down. Just relax.
Can I get you some coffee, a decaf?
Maybe a glass of warm milk?
I'll see if we have any. [she heads to the kitchen]
Willie, it's awful. I don't know if he does these things on purpose or what!
Oh. He does. We just haven't been able to prove it. Neal, why don't you do something about it?
I'll be right behind you when you tell him.
Because you know how I hate confrontation.
Neal, it's time you started to assert yourself. Stop letting people walk all over you.
Kate
You know, sometimes true bonding comes after great crisis. Maybe-
Kate, give it up. It's over.
Kate
Just when I started to dream in color again.
[the Tanners quickly head to the kitchen as a storm hit]
Kate
Well, do we have everything? Hamburgers, paper plates.
I've got the vegetables and the potato salad.
I've got the buns and the coleslaw.
Kate
Why do I get the feeling we forgot something?
Kate
[hears a strange noise from outside] Willie!
Oh, yeah. He's pinned underneath the grill. I didn't want to embarrass him by drawing undue attention to it.
Kate
[as Willie comes inside, wet] Oh, honey! You're drenched!
Really? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy flailing.
Kate
Are you alright?
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. No thanks to...
Did you or did you not knock the barbecue over on me when you were running into the house?
Oh, that. That was my fault.
Kate
Willie, get out of those clothes right away. Before you catch a cold. You too, kids.
LBLynn and Brian
[as they both leave] Okay.
You don't catch cold from going out in the rain, Kate. That's an old wives' tale.
Hence Kate's knowledge of it.
Kate
There's a reason old wives get to be old wives. They stay warm and dry.
No, I was just reading an article about that in one of my scientific journals. It said that volunteers who were subjected to rapid temperature changes and cold water did not catch cold. [sneezes]
Kate
I told you, honey. You're catching a cold.
No! Nonsense, Kate. One sneeze does not a cold make. [sneezes]
Just out of curiosity how many sneezes does a cold make?
[Willie is in his room sick while Kate gives him soup]
Kate
Have some soup. You'll feel better.
Thanks. I really appreciate the way you've been putting up with me.
Kate
Oh, you can't help it. You're a man.
I'll just ignore that. But thanks, though. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet.
Kate
I'll get you some more tissues.
Willie, you're a whiter shade of pale.
As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a lot better.
Oh, good! You could have taken a turn for the worse. Developed pneumonia, ended up in box city Left us with nothing but Kate's shaky career in real estate.
Kate
Does the phrase "thin ice" mean anything to you?
You know, I think I ought to call the office. Maybe I could squeeze in a half a day.
Kate
No. No, you need your rest. You stay right where you are.
Really? I mean, you get to lie around all day, eat, watch TV. How many people get to do that? [pause] I said "people." [sneezes]
Kate
What was that?
I did not. [sneezes two times]
[to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!
Impossible. I told you before, Melmacians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.
Kate
Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.
Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.
[2 days later, ALF is still sick]
Kate
[as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.
Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!
Kate
You sound awful.
Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.
Kate
Willie.
But I really am feeling worse!
My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?
Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]
Kate
[as she felt ALF's head] Feel his head, Willie.
[as he felt ALF's head] He's not.. Oh, my, my, he, he is. He's burning up.
Actually, I'm having a cold flash right now.
I'm sorry, ALF. I feel terrible.
Kate
I'll get you some lunch. [she heads to the kitchen while Willie checks on ALF, Willie quickly follows her]
[at the end, the Tanners host a barbeque]
Kate
Alright. You take the coleslaw. I'll take the salad.
Today, we finally get to use our backyard blitzer.
[from outside as the barbeque is on fire] I got the barbeque lit! Specifically, the wheels!
[Kate and Willie run outside to catch ALF as the episode ends]
[Raquel doorbells from outside]
When will it all stop? I need my rest.
ALF, do we have to go into the kitchen?
Where have you been keeping him? [runs up to ALF] There he is! [laughs] I laugh just looking at you.
[laughs] Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over and meet my bridge club? They all adore you.
Look, any other time, I would have said "yes." But I have a life now.
[laughs] I love this funny man. Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me?
Brian! I don't do my own autographs. But I will touch the photo. [Brian gives Raquel a photo]
Well, I'd better get back. Thank you, Mr. Shumway.
Yeah. You're welcome. Check her for money and get her out of here.
[laughs] He ad-libbed for me! [laughs] Oh, I hope to see you around. Save me a fur ball. [leaves the house]
Well, I'm off to the track. I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money. [laughs]
Kate
But what about the, lifetime achievement award you're being given tonight? Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech?
I'll wing it. Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony. But you know why that is.
Because once, we said you weren't funny.
That's right. Now, you know where you belong.
WKWillie and Kate
The attic.
And don't touch my things!
[Willie and Kate head to the attic]
[talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.
[he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!
Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.
Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.
Kate
Thanks, AL.
Kate
You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]
[does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!
No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.
[comes out of the hallway with her painting] Hi.
Kate
Hi, Lynnie. How's the painting coming?
Be honest. What do you think?
Sorry, babe. It doesn't speak to me. Next.
I, I think it's very nice. It looks good enough to eat.
So you didn't get the conflicting disharmony between man and nature?
I have to be honest, Lynn. Uh, I'm afraid all I see is a very happy pear.
Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.
ALF. This class means a lot to me. It's being taught by a very respected artist in residence.
What, he couldn't afford a place of his own?
I know what it means. You know, I happen to have a nodding acquaintance with painting myself.
I've seen you paint yourself many times.
Go ahead, mock me. But I was quite the artist in my time. I could paint any canvas any color for $29.95. No ups, no extras.
You know, I just had a thought. Perhaps if you were to rekindle your interest in art it might be a less destructive and costly way for you to spend your idle hours.
Kate
You know, the ones between waking up and falling asleep.
Oh, [laughs] Courtesy laugh. Willie, I accept your offer. So, Kate, ever done any nude modeling? Talk about a conflicting disharmony between man and nature.
[angrily comes home from school and confronts ALF for ruining her project] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.
Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.
Kate
Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.
That's what I thought at first.
It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?
Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.
I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.
Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.
You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?
And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.
This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?
Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?
What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]
You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.
[arrives at the kitchen while the family is having breakfast] Oh. Hi, everybody.
Morning, ALF. How are you this fine Saturday morning?
Alright. I'll be better once I have some coffee and we talk about death.
I believe it was Nietzsche who put it best. "Life is short. And when it ends we crumble and stink like an overripe blue cheese."
I found some pictures of you guys taken before my arrival. Notice anything obvious?
Besides being incredibly happy?
Actually, what struck me is how much you've aged. Especially you, Kate. I still have 400 years ahead of me. What am I gonna do when you guys move in with the dirt people?
Kate
Well, we hadn't really thought about it. Uh, I suppose you'll move in with Lynn.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This is the first I've heard of this.
I'm sorry, ALF, but I just can't commit.
ALF · 397 quotes
