[while looking at a picture] I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.
Well, whatever. Come on, everybody. We're not gonna be home too late.
Wait! Do you have to go? Well, what if something happens to you?
KateALF, for the last time, nothing is going to happen. We're only going to a bar mitzvah.
Still, I want you to take two cars and drive fast through the bad neighborhoods. Kate, you take the lead car and wear something bright to draw their fire.
Kate
ALF, has anyone ever told you when you dwell on something you become annoyingly obsessed?
Come on, we're running late, hon. Bye, ALF.
Bye. Hey, whatever you do don't get trapped between fat people and the buffet table! Oh, who am I kidding? I've gotta face facts. One day, Willie and Kate are gonna take that 6-foot dive. And then what? [picks up a picture and stares at it] Oh, Lynn. Sweet, unfocused Lynn. Maybe you're my hope.
[ALF is in Willie and Kate's dream where Willie and Kate are senior citizens]
Beautiful day. Another beautiful, boring, lonely, horrible day. I should drop dead.
ALF, go and open the curtain let me watch the sun setting over the ocean.
Well, how come I can't see the ocean?
There is no ocean out there, Willie. We live in the valley. It's landlocked. Like your mind.
Kate was right. Let's drop him off in the snow, she used to say. Did I listen?
Oh, there it is. I see it now. Thank you. [angrily] WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT? [normal] ALF, can you forgive a doddering, senile old man?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I've got work to do, huh?
[dials the phone] Hello, is this the Taylor Ball Bearings Company? Do you have a Xerox copier. Well, you're in luck because our company recently overstocked on some name-brand toner...
[angrily] HE'S LYING! IT'S A SCAM! DON'T FALL FOR IT!
Did I mention that there's a free gift involved?
No, no, no! Scam! Scam! Scam!
May I call you back? Yes, thank you. [hangs up] What are you doing?
I'm sorry. Go on, make another phone call. I won't interrupt again. I promise. Really.
[old Kate comes out of the kitchen during the grease fire]
Old Kate
Grease fire. Curtains, whoosh!
Old, batty, over-medicated.
Look at those seagulls. They carry diseases, you know? I can't prove it, but I know they do.
Old Kate
I hope the kids like these afghans. I'm making them big enough so they can tent their homes in winter.
Better not come in here, the filthy, germ-infested vermin.
Old Kate
Oh, don't worry. I think they're living in Seattle now.
What did I tell you about using the stove without supervision?
Old Kate
Huh?
You know it's off-limits.
Old Kate
Okay, okay.
No good. No damn good! You were right. We should have dropped him off in the snow.
Old Kate
Why don't you read us that nice letter we just got from Lynnie?
Because it came 3 years ago. And I've read it to you 500 times. And it was a postcard!
I worked my whole life to support him. And now he won't even read us our mail.
Old Kate
Then at least describe the stamp. Is that too much to ask?
[on the phone] Hello, Alien Task Force? Yes, I'm an alien and I'd like to turn myself in. I know it involves dissection. That's fine. In fact, I welcome it. [angrily] JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!
[at the end, the family arrives home]
ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?
Your hair was the least of your problems.
Kate
ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
Prove it. Put the house in my name.
[on the phone] Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. [hangs up the phone] Well, congratulate me, I just managed to finagle reservations for 2 at Emilio's. How does that sound, honey?
Sounds good to me, sweetie.
Kate
That is wonderful, Willie.
What, is she coming too? I thought this was gonna be our night!
Oh, for heaven's sake, ALF, it's Valentine's Day. Kate and I are looking forward to spending an evening alone together. It's, it's what keeps us from becoming bitter.
I'll just spend Valentine's Day alone. Without romance, without love, without two bodies beyond rational thought. [sighs] Oh, sorry. I'm back. Anyone call while I was gone?
[the family is looking at some gold mining equipment]
This is all Aunt Pat left you? A box of junk?
This isn't junk. These are things that belonged to your great-great-grandfather.
Looks like a box of old tools.
It's turn-of-the-century mining equipment.
Kate
Old, obsolete tools.
Just think, Lynn. Someday all this will be yours.
Come on. This is part of our ancestral heritage. You can't put a dollar value on something like that.
My great grandfather, Silas Tanner was a pioneer. He was an adventurer. The last 4 years of his life, he prospected for gold.
You know, my great uncle Louie Louie was a prospector. He started the Great Foam Rush of aught 8.
Kate
Foam?
Our whole monetary system was based on the foam standard. Louie Louie became very stupid.
Kate
So it runs in the family.
Oh, ha, ha. For your information, on Melmac, stupid was slang for someone who was rich.
Well, I guess we'll never know how stupid my great grandfather was. He died in 1897, and this is all I have left of his legacy.
Look what I found in the canteen.
What? Look. It's a map. There's an X on it.
It's a treasure map. Gadzooks! We're going to be stupid!
[last scene of the series]
Kate
It's a fine night to leave the galaxy.
Does anyone know what poison oak looks like?
Why is this so heavy? [opens the box] Isn't this our VCR?
Oh, is it? Ha. You know, I couldn't remember whether I bought that or if you guys, uh. Keep it. I insist.
As I recall, you only had 2 suitcases when you got here. What's in these boxes, anyway?
[as she hears a noise from the sky] ALF, your ride's here.
[Brian hugs ALF, Kate gives ALF a kiss, and Lynn hugs ALF while his ride arrives to pick him up]
No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
[a light shines on ALF]
ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
[a group of vans come]
What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
[the Alien Task Force agents arrive]
AAgent
Stay right where you are!
Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
[the final episode ends while the Alien Task Force agents surround ALF]
ALF · 397 quotes
