[ALF goes to Willie and Kate's room in the middle of the night]
Honey, it's time. Honey, it's time. [yells at Kate and Willie which causes them to wake up] HONEY, IT'S TIME!
19 seconds there, Wilmington. The baby will be able to drive Kate to the hospital by the time you wake up.
KateALF, what are you doing here?
Labor drill. And it's a darn good thing.
No, it's not, it's not, it's a darn bad thing.
Kate
ALF, you've got to stop all this. The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready. If you really, really wanna help me just, please, relax.
Relax, she says. Anyone would think she was the one having this baby.
Kate
[yelling at ALF] I am the one having this baby!
Gee! Calm down, Kate-A-Clysm. All this animosity can't be good for the Tannerlet.
Kate
Willie, I'm a tired pregnant woman, Willie!
You left out fat and cranky.
Kate
Help me out of this bed, Willie.
Well, I know when I'm not wanted. [he walks away from Willie and Kate's bed]
Kate
[angrily] Oh, ho-ho, you are wanted alright. You just stay right, right there! [throws a pillow at ALF but she misses]
Keep this up, Kate, and you'll get no baby gift from me.
Hey, Kate. What's for dinner?
Kate
ALF, you just had lunch.
Your dinners highlight my day, Kate. But then again, I have no life.
Kate
No.
You know what I'd love to have for dinner tonight?
Kate
I guess I'm just gonna have to tell my boss that I can't show any more houses until we get a babysitter.
Don't worry, we'll find somebody.
You think we're offering too little? Maybe we should be paying more than $6 an hour.
Hey, hold it! Flag on the play. You're paying these people? I'll do it.
Did you call all the college papers, and every college-
Perhaps you didn't hear me. Thus, I'll say it again. I'll baby-sit.
Kate
No, I don't think so, ALF. It's nothing personal, it's just- Well, I guess it is personal.
Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
Kate
What do you mean your fridge?
Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.
When the babysitter's here, you're gonna have to be in the attic.
Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?
We're all making adjustments, ALF. You're not gonna be up there all that much.
Kate
ALF, cut the dramatics. I'm just gonna be working part time.
But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids. It's a gift that all Melmacians share. That and the ability to suck milk through our noses.
My, you are blessed, aren't you?
Kate
As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF, the answer's still no.
Kate
Why? Because you're irresponsible. You trash the house. You flooded the living room. You wallpapered the shower.
It was a rhetorical question.
[Kate is in the nursery holding Eric]
Kate
Okay. Aw, there you go. There you go. There you go.
[comes in] Aw, there's nothing more beautiful than the sight of a mother holding her freshly-swaddled babe to her bosom.
Kate
Leave my bosom out of this, ALF. You're not babysitting Eric.
Kate
No. No, I've, I've draped him over my shoulder, I've laid him across my lap, I've bounced him. Eric just doesn't want to burp.
Hey, mind if I show you a trick?
Kate
The last time you showed me a trick it took 3 weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
I told you not to lean in. Come on, now. At no time will the baby leave my hands.
Kate
Spot him, Lynn. [she hands Eric to ALF]
Hey, Eric, how you doing? Having a little gassy backup today? [Eric burps] Huzza, huzza. Who was that masked man? Next case.
[picks up Eric from ALF] Whoo-hoo! Broccoli.
So when do I start? By the way, Thursdays are bad for me. I do tai chi.
Kate
Granted, ALF, you give good burp but that doesn't qualify you to take care of an infant.
Kate, it can't be any different than taking care of my younger brother and sister. And they had 16 stomachs between them and one bathroom. Think about it.
[at the end, ALF is sleeping in Eric's playpen with Eric]
Kate
Willie, what time does-
Kate
Oh, it's so cute, honey.
You think the day will ever come that he'll be able to walk out of here unafraid? Won't have to hide anymore?
Kate
I hope so. It's what keeps me going. Come on, let's get your jammies on. Let's get your jammies on. Daddy's going to come, too. [she and Willie leave] Yeah. Yeah.
[yawns] Ah! Oh, sorry, Eric. I must've dozed off. Eric! Eric! Oh, no! Not again! What are the odds? Got to get that kid a beeper.
[comes out the kitchen with a tabloid] Hi.
Kate
Oh, hi, ALF. We're gonna go out to Brian's game and then out for pizza. You want us to bring you anything?
I'm too depressed to eat.
Ah, they're fooling around with the universe. Read this travesty of journalism I foundin this week's Inquisitor.
[reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!
Kate
Oh, ALF, when will you learn not to take anything in those tabloids seriously? And when I hide something in the bottom of the garbage. I expect it to stay there.
Alright, here. But I can't give you back the melon rinds. That ship has sailed.
Kate
[goes to the backyard and finds ALF hiding inside the box] Too bad this isn't a pine box.
Could we discuss this after you've calmed down and I've had time to make travel arrangements?
Kate
How could you do this to Willie after all the things that he's done for you?
I knew you'd finger me. Hence the box. But you're wrong, Kate. I didn't turn him in. Friends?
Kate
You saw the show, you grilled Lynn and Brian, you jumped to conclusions, and SOMEBODY DID CALL THE FBI!
Well, sure, when you group them all together like that it sounds bad. But I was only trying to keep him from running away.
Kate
Willie is not a polygamist.
Oh, sure, Kate! But just in case he's gone forever, we still have his memories. And his house. And we can find a way to keep it if you agree to work nights.
Kate
I cannot talk to you now. I am too mad!
Is that 24-hour mad or dissect-the-alien mad?
Kate
If you wake up, you'll know. [she leaves the backyard]
Kate, do you know anything about this letter?
Kate
[reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."
Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.
Kate
Well, it's got to be a mistake.
Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.
Kate
Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.
[Larry comes to visit the Tanners]
Well, what's your professional opinion?
But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?
Kate
That's it?
Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.
Kate
He needs to be muzzled.
He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.
Kate
He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.
It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.
Kate
So, what do we do?
Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.
Kate
What if it doesn't?
[while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.
You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?
Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.
Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
Kate
In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.
Do you think you can help?
Trust me. I'm a professional.
Kate
The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.
Did you get my breath mints?
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I forgot.
Okay, but you're the one who has to live with it. [exhales]
I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.
[arrives at the kitchen while carrying Eric] Honey, did you get any more cotton swabs? The tips are missing from all of these and I can't help but feel you probably know something about this.
Is that the best you can come up with?
I've got 'em, dad. Here, ALF. At least we remembered your cotton balls.
Kate
What are you doing with all this cotton?
I've been experimenting with some new menu ideas.
Kate
You mean you're eating it?
Yeah, I also tried attic insulation but it left me feeling bloated and unattractive.
[looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton] Mmmm.
[ALF is siting in front of a TV that is turned off and laughing hysterically from all the cotton he ate while Willie and Kate go to the living room to check on him to see what he is doing]
Kate
ALF?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, just a second, Kate. [he continues laughing]
Kate
ALF, are you aware that that television isn't on?
ALF. I wasn't watching TV.
Well, what are you laughing at, then?
Son of a gun, I don't remember. Was I laughing?
Hey! What say we get naked and do some chanting? Well, look at that. I'm halfway there! [laughs]
Say, ALF, uh, do you ever think that all this cotton you're eating could be affecting your moods?
Kate
Don't you think you should cut down?
Why? What have you got against cotton? Y'all Yankees? [laughs]
I think you should cut down, ALF! Uh, here, let me help. [ALF tries to grab the cotton box but Willie takes it away from him] ALF. ALF! Let me have this. I'll ration it out for you.
Alright, but now those Cheech and Chong movies are gonna lose some of their poignancy.
[Kate and Willie wake up as they hear ALF sing in the middle of the night]
[voiceover] New York! Hey, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm announcing my retirement. Good night, and I love you. New York!
Kate
Huh? What?
Kate
No. I was just thinking how Sinatra's voice has slipped over the years.
Kate
Huh?
[while ALF is outside humming to "New York, New York", Kate and Willie wake up]
Kate
I don't suppose we were having the same dream.
I don't know. How were your seats?
[voiceover] Now just the women sing! [continues singing] Thank you! Thank you very much! It's good to be back. [continues singing until Willie, Kate, and Lynn come to stop him]
Liza! Sammy! Dino! Hey! Why don't we all tour together?
I thought I told you no more cotton.
I know what you're thinking. And you're worried about our supply. But this book here says there's this land called Alabama where cotton practically grows on trees.
Kate
ALF, it's almost 2:00 in the morning, okay?
Thanks. Last call. Here. [picks up a ripped pillow] Everybody rip off a piece and pass it around.
We're not eating any pillow.
Then how do you intend to stay awake for our drive to Alabama, huh?
Nobody's going to Alabama!
This is really gonna bum out the band.
Kate
We are all gonna go back to sleep. [angrily] You're gonna stop singing and send the band home.
Okay. But I never got treated like this at the golden nugget. [he continues singing]
[ALF ate another cotton he found on the table]
[after he saw ALF ate a cotton] I saw that. I saw you take that cotton.
That's enough of that. I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes.
[yelling] I don't have to take this! Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy. Come on! Who wants a piece? [tired] Oh. [sings] Da da da da da, Da da da da da.
Kate
Admit it, ALF. You have a cotton problem.
We only want to help you.
Then stop trying to make me feel guilty. Now, I say we go into the living room and dance! Who's with me? [Lynn, Willie, and Kate ignore him] I know what you're thinking. He doesn't have the guts to dance alone. Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong. I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone! And there's no music! [leaves the kitchen but comes back in tired] Oh.. Just for the sake of argument suppose I do have a problem?
[the family discovers that ALF ate cotton from the lint screen in the clothes dryer]
[loudly] HALLELUJAH! THE MOTHER LODE!
Kate
Willie, he's got the lint screen.
ALF, give me the lint screen.
[loudly] Yeah? COME AND GET IT!
Kate
I think it's time we make that call.
[ALF hisses]
While you're at it, see if you can get me a stun gun.
[burps while having breakfast with Lynn and Brian] Yeah. You know, if you eat fast, you could eat more.
Yeah. It also adds to the ambience.
[as she sees Willie arriving at the kitchen] Good morning, dad.
Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF. ALF, what are you doing down here?
Finishing oatmeal with clams.
Well, go back upstairs. Neal could come in here any minute.
I don't think so. He's gone.
Gone? What do you mean gone?
Relax, I don't mean dead.
I saw his boxer shorts drive by my window.
Kate
ALF?
Kate, Neal drove off in his camper early this morning.
Kate
That's odd.
Well, I'll just mosey on off to the television area if no one minds.
[stops ALF] Hold it. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you didn't write him another note.
I didn't write him another note. [pause] Uh, pay no attention to my ears.
I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?
Obviously not clear enough.
Kate
What exactly did this note say, ALF?
Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.
Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?
ALF · 397 quotes
