[arrives at the kitchen while the family is having breakfast] Oh. Hi, everybody.
Morning, ALF. How are you this fine Saturday morning?
Alright. I'll be better once I have some coffee and we talk about death.
I believe it was Nietzsche who put it best. "Life is short. And when it ends we crumble and stink like an overripe blue cheese."
I found some pictures of you guys taken before my arrival. Notice anything obvious?
Besides being incredibly happy?
Actually, what struck me is how much you've aged. Especially you, Kate. I still have 400 years ahead of me. What am I gonna do when you guys move in with the dirt people?
Well, we hadn't really thought about it. Uh, I suppose you'll move in with Lynn.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This is the first I've heard of this.
I'm sorry, ALF, but I just can't commit.
[while looking at a picture] I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.
Well, whatever. Come on, everybody. We're not gonna be home too late.
Wait! Do you have to go? Well, what if something happens to you?
ALF, for the last time, nothing is going to happen. We're only going to a bar mitzvah.
Still, I want you to take two cars and drive fast through the bad neighborhoods. Kate, you take the lead car and wear something bright to draw their fire.
ALF, has anyone ever told you when you dwell on something you become annoyingly obsessed?
Come on, we're running late, hon. Bye, ALF.
Bye. Hey, whatever you do don't get trapped between fat people and the buffet table! Oh, who am I kidding? I've gotta face facts. One day, Willie and Kate are gonna take that 6-foot dive. And then what? [picks up a picture and stares at it] Oh, Lynn. Sweet, unfocused Lynn. Maybe you're my hope.
[ALF is in adult Lynn's dream where he is staying at Lynn's apartment eating a bug he hears]
ALAdult Lynn
ALF, you weren't eating bugs again, were you?
I can't help it, Lynn. I'm hungry. They were practically daring me.
ALAdult Lynn
Oh, but I made us some nice chicken broth.
Chicken broth? What's the occasion?
ALAdult Lynn
Well, Robert's been working so hard lately. He looks so drawn. I thought a nice, hot meal might be just the thing to pick his spirits up.
RRobert
[arrives home] Honey, I'm home.
ALAdult Lynn
Oh, darling. Did you get a good spot on the boardwalk today?
RRobert
Yep. Right next to the public restrooms.
ALAdult Lynn
Well, it's about time. How much did you make?
RRobert
Oh, I have something for you.
Nice to see you haven't wasted the last 30 years.
RRobert
Thank you, ALF. You know I need to hear that from time to time.
RRobert
Oh, I came up with something new today.
RRobert
You know the old man-trapped-in-a-box routine?
ALAdult Lynn
It's one of my very favorites.
RRobert
Well, I found a new twist on it. Something that makes it totally unique. Man trapped in a pyramid!
It's amazing nobody's beaten you senseless.
ALAdult Lynn
You still don't believe in our dream, do you? Robert's going to be recognized as a genius someday. And then we'll have everything we ever wanted.
Oh, of course. All you have to do is take a drive through Beverly Hills and see the mansions built by famous mimes. Face it. There's no payoff!
RRobert
Oh, yeah? Well, I have 17 big ones that says you're wrong.
Oh, wake up and smell the invisible flowers. Get a job.
[the phone rings]
ALAdult Lynn
You two. Hello. Yes. Well, just a moment, please. Honey, it's the circus.
RRobert
Oh, boy. This is it. Hello. Yes, this is Robert Sherwood. A job? No, I'm not tied to the mime thing. Thank you. You won't be sorry. See you Monday.
ALAdult Lynn
What was that all about?
Oh, for heaven's sake. Somebody shoot me.
RRobert
[singing] I got a job with the circus!
Will you be making more than $17 a day?
RRobert
Well, not at first.
RRobert
And the best part is there's a place for both of you in the act!
[ALF's dream changes to him Robert, and Adult Lynn at the circus who is tied up on the wheel]
ALAdult Lynn
Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing the amazing Robertino and his incredible target, Bobo the complaining freak of nature.
Lynn, can't we reconsider this? I mean, shouldn't he have at least rehearsed this thing?
ALAdult Lynn
Well, he figured he may only get one chance at it.
[screams as knifes aim for the wheel] Hey! Hey, watch it. That was too close. Hey! Couldn't I have at least worn a cup? [makes a comment after his dream with Lynn ends] Well, so much for Lynn. I guess I'm gonna have to rely on my worst-case scenario. I'm relatively sure Brian won't marry a mime. He'd only run out of things to say.
[ALF is in Brian, Sr.'s dream]
BSBrian, Sr.
Here you go, ALF. I gave you some extra meat fat.
Brian, is this eating-on-the-floor thing gonna be permanent?
BSBrian, Sr.
I'm sorry. Roxanne doesn't want anything with fur at the table unless she's wearing it.
The cat gets to eat at the table.
BSBrian, Sr.
I know it seems inconsistent, but she says it's not. And I believe her.
BSBrian, Sr.
There you go again. You've got a persecution complex a mile long. Brakes fail. Elevator cables snap. Beds go aflame.
All before lunch? Come on, B, what do you say we grab a few pillow cases of this cash get some plastic surgery and start over?
BSBrian, Sr.
ALF, Roxanne is my wife, and I love her. Besides, her family's olive-oil business has been very good for all of us.
Oh, Brian, Brian. Stupid Brian. Have you seen one olive in the last 20 years? Your wife runs the most powerful mob family in North Hollywood.
BSBrian, Sr.
That's not true. You take that back!
Oh, come on. Why is there always so much cash around here?
BSBrian, Sr.
Okay. Alright. I asked her about that. She said a lot of their olive oil is sold on freeway off-ramps. It's a cash business. [the musicians come to visit Brian, Sr.'s house] Hello, sweetheart. [he and his wife kiss]
RRoxanne
I've missed you.
BSBrian, Sr.
Hey, Vinnie. Hey, Buck.
RRoxanne
Boys, why don't you wait outside until the big concert tonight?
BSBrian, Sr.
I think it is so nice that you give them time off to pursue their musical career. God.
RRoxanne
ALF, I brought you something. [ALF gasps] Do you know what that means?
Didn't Uncle Louie get one of these just before that freak welding accident?
Brian, Jr. My favorite, favorite child.
AAngel
[annoyed] It's bothering me again.
RRoxanne
Oh, don't worry, Brian. I gave it a black rose.
BSBrian, Sr.
Honey, I'm gonna go into town. I'm gonna get a manicure and a facial.
Good idea. I'll go with you. I could use a mudpack.
RRoxanne
I don't want you leaving the compound right now. I know, why don't you go upstairs and try on that nice, little present I got you when I was in Washington at those pesky committee hearings?
BSBrian, Sr.
Cool! A guy could get used to this.
AAngel
Mom, yesterday I saw ALF on the couch. And this time, I've got a fur ball to prove it.
Oh, what a nice boy you are. But might I suggest that perhaps the fur ball belongs to the cat?
RRoxanne
You have never liked Fifi, have you? Hmm?
Me? I love that cat. What you may not know is we share the same rare blood type. Which could come in handy if Fifi were ever caught in, oh, say, musical crossfire.
[the musicians come home]
RRoxanne
Boys, take Mr. Shumway to the amphitheater and play for him.
The amphitheater? It's not even finished yet. They're just now pouring the ceme... [whines as his dream with Brian ends] Brian! Wow. Imagine Brian being a kept man. Well, at least he found something he's good at. Life stinks, and then 400 years later, you die. Kind of a bummer, isn't it?
Looks like I'm down to my last Tanner. Little Eric. An amorphous pink blob. What can he do? He drools, he laughs at stupid things he whines and cries to get attention. Well, at least we have those things in common.
[ALF is in adult Eric Sr.'s dream where he is in "The Eric & Sparky Show"]
ESEric Sr.
Shall we play another one, Sparky?
You go ahead. I'll be by the water cooler.
ESEric Sr.
Oh, you're such a poop! [hits ALF]
Ow, ow! Not so hard, Eric!
ESEric Sr.
You know what time it is now, Sparky?
ESEric Sr.
Yes! It's Mr. Mailbag time. Let's see. Here's a letter from Billy Redseed of Portland, Oregon. And it seems Billy has a fascination with FIRE!
You know, these letters should really be screened first.
ESEric Sr.
Billy would like to see Sparky jump through hoops of flames! Fire, Sparky!
I don't like where television's going.
You've gotta be kidding. I'll never get through those.
ESEric Sr.
Well, anybody can get through the big ones. Now stop being Mr. Negative and show the boys and girls at home that the body can achieve what the mind can conceive.
BHMr. Big Hand
Oh, Mr. Eric, Mr. Sparky. Mr. Big Hand's on the 12.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Big Hand. I'll take you out for a Mr. Cocktail later.
ESEric Sr.
Well, that's all the time we have for today, kids. But be sure to tune in next week for everybody's favorite "Fun With Sharp Objects." Ow! See you next week. Right, Sparky?
TPTV Producer
And we're out.
Eric, are you crazy? I'm not jumping through hoops of fire!
ESEric Sr.
First, you won't swim through mud. Then you have a hissy fit about being thrown through a window. And now you get upset over a little fire. Where is it going to end?
ESEric Sr.
You're right. You don't need this. I'm gonna do something I should have done a long time ago.
ESEric Sr.
I want you to meet someone. [whistles] Sparky, this is Bootsy. Bootsy, this is Sparky.
Always a pleasure to meet one of your dates.
ESEric Sr.
I have some bad news, Sparky. I don't want you to take this personally but you're out of the act.
What? How could you do this to me after 30 years? I practically raised you. If it's the fire thing, I'll do it. I'll jump through the stinking hoops and land on sharp objects. Let's see Bootsy do that!
ESEric Sr.
ALF, don't humiliate yourself. Goodbye.
Hey, wait! [the guys close the jack-in-the-box on him]
ESEric Sr.
Aw, Bootsy's giving you a big Bootsy bye-bye!
[inside the jack-in-the-box] Yeah, well, I'm giving Bootsy a gesture of my own. Gee, it's dirty in here. [comments on a photo as his dream with Eric ends] Well, the kids are a wash. I guess I'm gonna have to take my chances with Willie and Kate. But Willie's my goombah. He'll hang on. And Kate? I'll just have to keep Willie functional as long as possible.
[ALF is in Willie and Kate's dream where Willie and Kate are senior citizens]
Beautiful day. Another beautiful, boring, lonely, horrible day. I should drop dead.
ALF, go and open the curtain let me watch the sun setting over the ocean.
Well, how come I can't see the ocean?
There is no ocean out there, Willie. We live in the valley. It's landlocked. Like your mind.
Kate was right. Let's drop him off in the snow, she used to say. Did I listen?
Oh, there it is. I see it now. Thank you. [angrily] WAS THAT SO DIFFICULT? [normal] ALF, can you forgive a doddering, senile old man?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I've got work to do, huh?
[dials the phone] Hello, is this the Taylor Ball Bearings Company? Do you have a Xerox copier. Well, you're in luck because our company recently overstocked on some name-brand toner...
[angrily] HE'S LYING! IT'S A SCAM! DON'T FALL FOR IT!
Did I mention that there's a free gift involved?
No, no, no! Scam! Scam! Scam!
May I call you back? Yes, thank you. [hangs up] What are you doing?
I'm sorry. Go on, make another phone call. I won't interrupt again. I promise. Really.
[old Kate comes out of the kitchen during the grease fire]
Grease fire. Curtains, whoosh!
Old, batty, over-medicated.
Look at those seagulls. They carry diseases, you know? I can't prove it, but I know they do.
I hope the kids like these afghans. I'm making them big enough so they can tent their homes in winter.
Better not come in here, the filthy, germ-infested vermin.
Oh, don't worry. I think they're living in Seattle now.
What did I tell you about using the stove without supervision?
You know it's off-limits.
No good. No damn good! You were right. We should have dropped him off in the snow.
Why don't you read us that nice letter we just got from Lynnie?
Because it came 3 years ago. And I've read it to you 500 times. And it was a postcard!
I worked my whole life to support him. And now he won't even read us our mail.
Then at least describe the stamp. Is that too much to ask?
[on the phone] Hello, Alien Task Force? Yes, I'm an alien and I'd like to turn myself in. I know it involves dissection. That's fine. In fact, I welcome it. [angrily] JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!
[at the end, the family arrives home]
ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?
Your hair was the least of your problems.
ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
Prove it. Put the house in my name.
