A character in ALF
Played by Anne Schedeen
ALF · 397 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in ALF: in 187 of its 397 quotes
Most scenes with: ALF (161), Willie Tanner (154), Lynn Tanner (99)
Ok, how about Cameron if it's a boy and Amanda if it's a girl?
KateYou know, I was thinking if it was a girl, maybe we could name her after my mother.
You want to name her The Witch of Endor? I've got the perfect name, Rin Tin Tanner.
You want to name my child after a dog?
A noble dog. A brave dog. A dog who saved lives. And if it's a girl, we'll call her spuds.
KateOh, what a wonderful surprise. Oh, thank you, Raquel, Laverne.
How did you know it was our idea?
KateWho else could be so thoughtful? [turns around to Andrea] Oh, Andrea, you brought little Elliot.
Yeah. I'm afraid it's past his naptime, though. If there's somewhere I could just go lay him down.
We can christen the nursery. Come on, I'll show you where it is.
Great. [she and Lynn walk upstairs to the nursery]
Oh, man. Heavy trip.
[offscreen] It's right in here, Andrea.
[ALF walks to the closet and closes the door as Andrea and Lynn come in the nursery]
Oh, what a cute room.
Thanks.
Come on, sweetie. [drops Elliot in the crib] There we go.
Does he need anything?
Um, $35,000 for college. He'll be fine. [she and Lynn leave the nursery]
[looks at Elliot who laying down in the crib] So, you're a rugrat. Not very user-friendly, are you? Yeah. We're getting one you bundles of joy pretty soon. Yeah. Yeah. People will be making a big fuss over it. Lynn'll be saying things like, "Uchie Cuchie, Little Mimi". [sneezes] Kate will be bring it baby formula, whatever that is. Brian'll be reading to it. [sneezes] Willie will be changing its diapers, taking it to the movies. And I'll be- [sneezes] Ah, I'll be sneezing my snout straight. I think I'm allergic to this thing. [sneezes]
[as she hears ALF sneezing upstairs] I'll check on that. It was probably the cat. Or the plumbing. Or the cat in the plumbing. Excuse me. [walks away]
Kate[holds up a bowl] Bridge mix?
[while ALF sneezes, Lynn comes in the nursery and confronts him]
Aren't you gonna say gesundheit?
What is the matter with you?
I'm allergic to babies.
ALF, that is ridiculous.
Oh, yeah? Watch. [sneezes in front of Elliot] See, allergic to babies.
Kate[comes in] What is going on in here? ALF, we have a house full of guests.
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Motherload. You won't be able to keep your baby.
KateWhat?
I found out I'm allergic to them. But don't worry, I'll make it up to you. [sneezes] I'll get you a goldfish. [sneezes]
KateWe will talk about this later. Now, please, get back out to the garage. [leaves]
[sniffling] Aw, this is all your fau-, fau-, fau-. [sneezes] Hey, they really are more absorbent.
[at the end, ALF is sent back home in his room]
Kate[reading "The Berenstain Bears' New Baby" book to ALF] "We will have a new baby soon who will need that little bed," said Papa Bear. "A new baby?" asked Small Bear. He hadn't noticed that Mama Bear had grown very round lately, "Although he had noticed it was harder and harder to sit on her lap."
Can I sit on your lap?
KateI'd rather you didn't.
Fine.
[comes in] Mom, dad's looking for you. He can't find his dental floss.
Tell him to look in the toilet tank. [Kate and Lynn glare at him] Don't ask. [Kate leaves]
ALF, isn't this book a little young for you?
I know that. You know that. Apparently no one's told Kate.
Want me to.
Nah. Her maternal instinct's in overdrive. If she wants to think of me as her I can handle it.
That's very nice of you, ALF.
I know.
Here. [gives the book to ALF and she leaves as the episode ends]
I can't wait to see how this turns out.
KateWillie, have you noticed that ALF's been acting rather strange lately?
Yeah, going on three years now.
KateNo, I mean about last night when he apologized for every bad thing he's done since he got here. Alphabetically.
Oh. I got lost in between drain cloggage and drywall damage.
KateThen I guess you missed the part where he confessed to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!
[Willie reacts, then there's a knock on the door.]
[off-camera from outside] Hey, Tanners! It's me!
[Willie opens the door.]
Morning.
Good morning. I'll take it.
KateTake what?
Your house! [He holds up a sign he found on the front yard.]
[reading sign] House for sale? $4,000! You found that on our lawn?
Yeah! I can let you have $100 up front if you'll finance the rest.
No. I mean, we're not selling the house.
KateSomeone must've put that on our lawn as a kind of prank.
Oh, too bad. This place would've made a nice summer home for me and Raquel. [closes door and walks away disappointed]
[reading a note] Dear family, my imaginary blackmailer called again tonight and threatened to send you all to the imaginary slammer if I don't pay up. I would rather be turned into cream chip beef than to see you go to jail because of me. You're welcome. Anyway, I had to take, the car.
Kate[reading a note] Tell Willie to calm down. I'll leave the car on Highway 71 just outside Edwards Air Force Base. Don't worry, nobody will want to steal it.
ALF's joining the air force?
That's where the Alien Task Force is.
He took the car.
[ALF is cooking his breakfast at the stove]
[walks in the kitchen] Morning.
Morning, Willie, Kate.
KateHi, ALF.
What are you cooking?
It's a surprise.
Oh, no.
Relax, it's just my June bug scallopini.
KateHence the crackling noise.
You're frying June bugs?
Please, Willie. You fry caterpillars. June bugs you sautee.
[closes the pan] Go sit. [ALF walks away]
[comes in] Good morning.
KateHi, Lynnie.
Mmm, what smells so good?
June bug scaloppini.
I'll grab juice.
KateALF, do you have something in the oven?
Brian's history book.
What?
Someone accidentally knocked it into his fish tank, Willie.
I didn't do it!
I didn't say you did. I did it. So I put it in the oven to dry.
Dad, he's kidding.
[Willie takes Brain's history book from the oven]
Oh, no! No! I'm-I'm doomed!
KateYou got that right.
For Melmackians, It's bad luck to destroy a history book.
You mean bad luck like when you open an umbrella indoors?
Worse. Bad luck like jilting a mafia princess.
ALF, that is just silly.
[Kate screams as the pan starts to get on fire]
June bug flamb?
[sees his burned history book in the sink] My history book is history.
My life is history. I'm an accursed Melmackian. I belong in the realm of the- Gosh darned.
KateGosh darned?
Ours was a polite society.
I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?
Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.
That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"
Wait. I don't make fun of your stupid planet. Electoral college.
How long is this curse thing supposed to last?
I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck followed by 7 years of really bad luck.
[laughs and tickles as he wakes up] Kate, cut it out!
KateHuh?
Tickling me.
KateNo! I'm not touching you.
[wakes up and finds ants on him] There are ants on me. There, there are ants in my pajamas.
Kate[sees ants on the bed] There are ants everywhere.
Yes, yes. I can see that, dear. I'll just get the bug spray.
KateI'll help you. [he and Willie go out from their bedroom] Why are there so many ants in the house all of a sudden? [she and Willie find food in the kitchen that ALF left on the floor]
Perhaps these strategically placed dishes of food might give us a clue.
KateJust once I would like to walk into this kitchen and not find something all over the floor.
Just go into the other room, Kate. I'll spray in here.
KateWhy don't we just burn the place down and start over?
That'd be plan B. Plan A is, where's the bug spray?
I threw it away!
Kate[mad] Why did you do this?
Do what? Throw away the bug spray? Or set up the teeny-weeny truck stops?
Eventually, you're going to have to explain both so start where you like and stop when I tell you.
I'm dedicating my life to the care and preservation of the ant species.
KateIf you leave food all over the house, we are going to have ants everywhere!
It's the least I can do for them after I wiped out their kinfolk and everything.
ALF, inviting the remainder of the Earth's ant population into our house isn't gonna bring back your ant farm.
But I'll feel better.
ALF, you've got to get over this.
I failed to protect my pet ants, Willie. I'm not gonna fail with the general ant public.
KateTrust me, ALF. Your ants stand a much better chance of survival outside of my kitchen.
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
KateNothing doing. This time he's mine.
No, wait, wait Kate. ALF might not feel as bad about losing his ants if he just had a chance to say goodbye to them formally like, you know, like a memorial service.
KateA funeral for ants?
What a lovely idea. But I don't think it'll help.
Well, sure it will, ALF. Rituals are a very effective way of dealing with grief.
I'm just not up to it.
You'll have a funeral, we'll all come it'll be very touching! And it'll be over, right?
Right.
In the middle of a picnic.
[comes in the kitchen with her school papers] Well, I think I finally figured out which courses I should register for.
KateOh, did you choose a major?
I was thinking about art history.
Oh, honey. I-I mean it's admirable that you're interested in art but do you think that's really a practical thing to major in?
What do you mean?
Well, we have a saying in college those who can do and those who can't major in art history.
KateI majored in art history.
You were the exception, dear. We never laughed at you.
KateI suppose that studying mankind's greatest artistic achievements wasn't nearly as interesting as drawing population pie charts like you social science majors.
I never drew a pie chart in my life. Oh, okay, okay, once I drew a pie chart and you know what? It wasn't bad.
KateAnd where's that pie chart today? I'll tell you where it's not. It's not in the Louvre.
Uh, that reminds me, hon, um, we're having a pool at the office. What year did Van Gogh die?
KateThe year they asked him to draw a pie chart.
Kate, I'm sorry I made fun of your major, so, I brought you this. It's the evolution of art from primitive cave drawings to the wizard of id.
KateOh, Willie.
You know, it occurred to me, no matter what our kids become, social workers, art historians, shipping magnates. They're gonna inherit ALF and be broke anyway.
KateOh, Willie. This is lovely. I'm sorry if I overreacted.
We shouldn't argue over something so silly. As pie charts. Silly old pie charts.
Well, I finally picked my courses.
I trust you've made a good career choice. You're majoring in nothing.
I found out that with all Of the required subjects I have to take, I'm not gonna have time for any courses in my major until I'm a junior anyway, so I'll decide then.
[voiceover] Oh, Willie!
Yeah, what, ALF?
Can you come out here and help me with my knots?
No, I'm busy, ALF. If you want help, come on in here.
Alright. [he comes in from the living room tied up]
Oh, come over here, I'll untie you.
I would, but I can't seem to drag the piano any farther. [he still gets stuck while Willie comes to untie him as the episode ends]
Look, there must be some reason Jake never told me about his mother. We're best friends! Blood brothers! 2 sides of the same double-stuffed Oreo. I think in some cultures we'd be considered engaged.
Perhaps with you around, he found it difficult to get a word in edgewise.
Hardy-har. For your information, Jake tells me everything. About how his father's in jail about how he flunked his last math test about how Trevor and Raquel like to sometimes dress up like Norwegian. [Willie and Kate stare at him] Never mind.
[the doorbell rings]
[from outside] Yoo-hoo! It's Raquel!
Yoo-hoo. Tell her we're not home.
Bye, ALF.
Let her in. I'll pretend I'm a fuzzy lamp.
KateYou can pretend that in the kitchen.
Fine. Which way is the kitchen? Hey, what do you want from a lamp?
Oh, hi, Raquel.
Willie, Kate.
Hello, Raquel.
I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law, Elaine Ochmonek. She's Jake's mother. Elaine, this is Willie Tanner and his wife Kate. She's pregnant.
I see that.
Gee, it's nice to meet you.
Please, come in, come in. We are so fond of Jake. Oh, well, he talks about his-his friends the Tanners, all the time. Although, sometimes he does stop rather abruptly in the middle of a sentence.
Well, don't we all just- Don't we all just do that now and again?
No.
I really appreciate everything you've done for Jake. It's been hard on him being away from all his friends in New York.
KateOh, he's become like one of the family. Maybe we can all get together sometime while you're visiting.
What a lovely idea. Say, here for dinner, tomorrow 7:30?
KateUh, well.
Please, don't go to any trouble.
Oh, pish. Kate doesn't mind. Do you, Kate?
KatePish?
Good. Besides, they owe us a dinner. Not that I'm the kind of a person who would bring that up.
Kate7:30 tomorrow will be fine.
Nice to meet you.
Nice meeting you.
KateBuh-bye. Bye.
Toodles! [she and Elaine leave the Tanners house and Kate closes the door]
[ALF stands from the kitchen and Willie takes the lamp head off of him]
Fuzzy lamp.
[ALF is at the living room relaxing while the family prepares for a wedding]
Oh, come on, everybody. We'll be late. Let's go. I got your tie, B.
Don't forget your baseball mitt, Brian.
How come?
You'll have a better chance of catching the bridal squid.
On Earth, we don't throw Marine life at weddings.
Then why get married?
Good point.
Hey, Kate! [hands her a stack of Tupperware containers tied with a bow] Give this to the bride with my regards.
KateYou're not giving away my Tupperware.
Of course I'm not! Tell her to fill it with food! I love wedding buffets.
I've rented you these tapes, ALF, to keep you occupied and to keep you out of trouble.
Oh, not Ishtar again.
No, these are classics. You've never seen these. This one is the Sheik with Rudolph Valentino. And the other one's a film by Charlie Chaplin.
Kick the TV, Willie. The color's gone out.
No, these are black and white movies, ALF.
How am I supposed to see Rudolph's red nose? And turn up the sound. I can't hear the actors. These movies are silent. I might as well be reading.
[opens the cabinet] I found him!
ALF, are you ok?
He doesn't look good.
KateIt looks like he's in shock. ALF, say something! Anything!
Armageddon! Annihilation! White hot tentacles of doom spit fire! Venom! Screeching! Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me! Ruination ALF! Apocalypsenow! Now-- [Willie slaps him] Thanks, Willie. Now I'm blind.
Your eyes are closed.
Oh.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, this may stagger your imagination a whit, but I had nothing to do with this mess.
KateWe know, ALF. We know.
You do?
We had an earthquake.
I see.
And it was a good one.
What was good about it? Why do we have it? What was it?
Well, let me see if I can explain it, ALF. You see, the crust of our planet is made of plates of layered rock that are in continual movement. Now, when the pressure beneath becomes too great, it's released through--
Thank you, Mr. Wizard. Kate, the short strokes, please.
KateYou remember when Godzilla destroyed Tokyo?
Well, that's a rather extreme example, Kate.
KateLook, we just had an earthquake, and we are all fine. We just have to remember to be prepared and follow some basic safety rules.
Willie, get the ledger! Kate has more rules!
Hi, ALF, what you watching?
I'm not watching, I'm studying.
Studying what?
The petrie method of childbirth.
[a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]
But this is The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Exactly. You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.
Well, dad told me where babies come from and he never mentioned The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Your father is a good man but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.
[another clip The Dick Van Dyke Show shows]
KateBrian, I have told you a hundred times not to leave your baseball glove on the floor!
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla!
Sorry, mom. How was your nap?
Obviously, not long enough.
KateLook, ALF, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes when she's pregnant. She can't always control her emotions. Oh. I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.
That's alright, mom. Dad says no matter how cranky you get we should just humor you.
KateYou can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.
Sure, mom, whatever you say.
Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did was an occasional, Oh, Rob.
KateLaura Petrie?
I'm studying up to help you have your baby.
KateAnd you're studying,
The Dick Van Dyke Show.
KateOf course. ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help but in this particular case I think Willie is a little more qualified.
Yeah? Then where is he, huh? Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? Where, huh, huh, huh, where?
[comes home from work] I'm home.
I hate when he does that.
Something I should know about?
KateOnly if you write for The Alan Brady Show.
Nothing I should know about.
I'm placing myself at the ready to assist mommy dearest over there with her blessed event.
Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.
Really? On Melmac, the father's role was to stand back and yell, Pull, pull.
KateDon't you mean, Push, push?
No. On Melmac, the mother gave birth while the father went skeet shooting.
ALFMihaly 'Michu' Meszaros · 356 quotes
Willie TannerMax Wright · 246 quotes
Lynn TannerAndrea Elson · 134 quotes
Brian TannerBenji Gregory · 113 quotes
JakeJosh Blake · 22 quotes
TrevorJohn LaMotta · 18 quotes
RaquelLiz Sheridan · 16 quotes
NealJim J. Bullock · 14 quotes
PPaul10 quotes
LarryBill Daily · 7 quotes
DDorothy6 quotes
SSkipper6 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.