[singing] This is the way we diaper our kid, diaper our kid, diaper our kid, this is the way we diaper our kid, [the baby doll drops] and this is how we drop it.
Practicing for when the baby comes. How well do earth children bounce?
Then what do people mean when they say "Bouncing baby boy"?
It's an expression, not a suggestion. Here, this is how you do it. You put the diaper on like this and you fold it over like this and you fasten it here and here. Like this. See? Here, now you try it.
Hi, ALF, what you watching?
I'm not watching, I'm studying.
The petrie method of childbirth.
[a clip from The Dick Van Dyke Show plays]
But this is The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Exactly. You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch.
Well, dad told me where babies come from and he never mentioned The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Your father is a good man but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied.
[another clip The Dick Van Dyke Show shows]
Brian, I have told you a hundred times not to leave your baseball glove on the floor!
Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla!
Sorry, mom. How was your nap?
Obviously, not long enough.
Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through a lot of changes when she's pregnant. She can't always control her emotions. Oh. I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys.
That's alright, mom. Dad says no matter how cranky you get we should just humor you.
You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it.
Sure, mom, whatever you say.
Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did was an occasional, Oh, Rob.
I'm studying up to help you have your baby.
Of course. ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help but in this particular case I think Willie is a little more qualified.
Yeah? Then where is he, huh? Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? Where, huh, huh, huh, where?
[comes home from work] I'm home.
I hate when he does that.
Something I should know about?
Only if you write for The Alan Brady Show.
Nothing I should know about.
I'm placing myself at the ready to assist mommy dearest over there with her blessed event.
Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role.
Really? On Melmac, the father's role was to stand back and yell, Pull, pull.
Don't you mean, Push, push?
No. On Melmac, the mother gave birth while the father went skeet shooting.
[ALF goes to Willie and Kate's room in the middle of the night]
Honey, it's time. Honey, it's time. [yells at Kate and Willie which causes them to wake up] HONEY, IT'S TIME!
19 seconds there, Wilmington. The baby will be able to drive Kate to the hospital by the time you wake up.
ALF, what are you doing here?
Labor drill. And it's a darn good thing.
No, it's not, it's not, it's a darn bad thing.
ALF, you've got to stop all this. The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready. If you really, really wanna help me just, please, relax.
Relax, she says. Anyone would think she was the one having this baby.
[yelling at ALF] I am the one having this baby!
Gee! Calm down, Kate-A-Clysm. All this animosity can't be good for the Tannerlet.
Willie, I'm a tired pregnant woman, Willie!
You left out fat and cranky.
Help me out of this bed, Willie.
Well, I know when I'm not wanted. [he walks away from Willie and Kate's bed]
[angrily] Oh, ho-ho, you are wanted alright. You just stay right, right there! [throws a pillow at ALF but she misses]
Keep this up, Kate, and you'll get no baby gift from me.
[wakes up] Must have dozed off. [he gets up and meets Eric] Holy stork invasion, Batman! How'd that get in here? Willie!
[comes inside the nursery] Oh, you're awake. You're finally awake. Are you alright?
I'm fine. But that thing in the crib looks an awful lot like a B-A-B-Y.
I know. ALF, I'd like you to meet my son Eric William Tanner. We just brought him home this morning.
Did I miss something here?
You sure did. Lynn tried and tried to wake you up when we left for the hospital but you, you were out like a light. You know, you've been asleep for almost 2 days?
You mean, I slept through the whole thing?
Well, Kate couldn't have waited until I woke up?
I can't believe it. Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all. I'm such a mokes.
It's not that you weren't needed, ALF. It's just that when a woman starts to actually have a baby you're not, needed. You understand?
Yeah. I guess so. What are you thinking about, Willie?
Oh. I was just remembering the first day we brought Lynn home from the hospital. And then Brian, and now this little guy.
I've never seen you this happy. I've never seen anybody this happy.
Well, of course I'm happy, ALF. We've helped to create a brand-new life here. I think maybe that's the most important thing a person ever gets to do.
Guess I'll never know, will I?
Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. In all the excitement, I didn't think about that.
On Melmac, I never thought much about having kids. You know how it is when you're in your 220s. You think you have all the time in the world.
But now, when I realize that it's never gonna be possible for me to be a father.
LA's a lonely town when you're the only orange boy around.
You can't give up hope, ALF. If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope. In the meantime, we're gonna need your help bringing up Eric.
Well, sure, who else is gonna teach him about boo-yah baseball, and pasta polo and other sports involving the hurling of inappropriate objects?
[comes in the nursery] Hi, ALF. You finally woke up, huh?
Yeah. Hey, guess you got a brother now?
Yeah. Mom says it's time to feed him.
Okay. Tell her we'll be in a minute, B.
[Brian leaves]
[while staring at Eric] Looks like you.
On the other hand, all white babies look like you.
Hey, Eric. How you doing, Eric? He smiled at me.
