Willie Tanner quotes from ALF

ALF

Maybe meeting Neal isn't such a good idea.

Willie

It's gonna be fine.

Lynn

ALF, you two are gonna get along great. He's a wonderful guy with a terrific sense of humor.

ALF

I'm not gonna marry him, if that's what you're getting at.

ALF

[gets out of the kitchen and meets Neal] Sorry. [Kate feels shocked] You must be Neal. I'm Gordon Shumway. Did I kill him?

Neal

Oh, my God, you're for real.

ALF

Yeah, yeah, let's get past this. I'm an alien and you're not.

Neal

Wow. This is gonna take some time to sink in.

ALF

Well, while you're in a daze, let me show you where your brother keeps his band saw.

Neal

I'm being insulted by an alien from space.

Willie

Get used to it.

Neal

Uh, can I touch you?

ALF

Not without dinner and a show.

Neal

I have a million questions I wanna ask you.

ALF

I'm sure. Keep them to yourself, huh? Now, enough of this small talk. Let's get down to business. I understand you're quite the cook.

Neal

Do you eat like earthlings?

ALF

Do I eat like earthlings? Willie, tell him.

Willie

He eats. He doesn't chew.

Neal

I don't know what to say. This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.

ALF

Kate's right. Get a life.

Kate

ALF.

ALF

Well, he may as well know. I mean, we're all family now.

Willie

[comes in the kitchen] Kate, I have some very bad news.

Kate

What is it?

Willie

I found a cat outside by a fence. He's dead?

Kate

Lucky? Oh no.

ALF

So, what's the bad news?

Willie

That was the bad news. Thank you for your concern.

Kate

Well honey, what happened?

Willie

Well, he must've died in his sleep. Apparently he was a lot older than the vet said he was. I wrapped him in a towel and put him in the garage.

Kate

Poor Lucky.

ALF

[after Lucky died] The Luck-meister is dead! This is indeed a very dark day for anyone who knew him, or chased him. Is the crock pot still under the sink?

Lynn

[praying for Lucky] Please take care of Lucky and let him be happy. Tell him we miss him. Amen.

ALF

Lynn, that was indeed beautiful. I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before bed: "And if I die before I wake, chicken fry me like a steak."

Kate

ALF!

ALF

Hey, they were his words!

Willie

Life is eternal and, love is immortal and death is but a horizon. [ALF blows his nose] What we return to the Earth, we receive back...tenfold. Tragic. A tragic waste.

Kate

Wouldn't you like to say something, Bri?

Brian

No.

Kate

Honey. It might make you feel better if you say goodbye to him.

Brian

Bye.

ALF

Whoa. What a load off.

Kate

Brian, it's okay if you don't wanna say anything, you don't have to.

Brian

There's nothing I wanna say.

Kate

Come on, Bri. Let's go inside. [she and Brian leave]

ALF

[after Kate and Brian left] Funeral poopers!

Willie

Don't you have any respect for people's feelings?

ALF

Well, excuse me. But where I'm from, this is ludicrous. It's like having a funeral for a hamburger.

Willie

Why don't you just, go inside with them.

ALF

Why? I thought I'd help you bury the little patty melt.

Willie

Not a chance. I'm gonna bury him in an undisclosed place.

ALF

Well, can I at least put something in there with him?

Willie

Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just hurry up.

ALF

This was Lucky's favorite toy. He loved the sound the little metal bell made. It wasn't exactly the deepest cat in the world. [jiggles to Lucky's toy]

Willie

I'm sure that Lucky will treasure this.

ALF

This would go well with a full-bodied Chianti.

Willie

[checks the window revealing it's Neal] What on earth? [opens the door]

Neal

[arrives at the Tanner's house wearing a toga] Hi, Willie. Hi, everyone. Hi, ALF. Happy anniversary.

Lynn

Hi, Uncle Neal.

Brian

Hi, Uncle Neal. Why are you dressed like a bed?

Neal

ALF said it was a toga party.

ALF

Shoot! That was the call I was supposed to make.

Willie

I'll, uh, I'll get you something to put on.

ALF

Or we could all wear sheets! [chanting] Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!

Lynn

[chanting] Fat chance! Fat chance! Fat chance!

Neal

So where are the dogs?

ALF

They're at the airport.

Willie

I heard that. He's upset because Kate went to the airport to pick up her mother, and he's afraid that she's gonna spoil his party.

Neal

Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?

Willie

Oh, she and Whizzer had another fight. She flew out by herself.

Neal

Aw, that's a shame. Another marriage flapping in shallow water. That's how I felt when Margaret dumped me.

ALF

Oh great. My party's turning into a suicide watch.

Willie

[checks the window revealing it's Whizzer] Well, it's Whizzer! [opens the door] Whizzer!

[arrives at the Tanner's house house] Hi, Willie. Is Dorothy here?

Willie

No, Kate just went to pick her up at the airport.

I must have just missed them. Hi, Neal. Hi, Lynn.

Lynn

Hi, Whizzer.

Neal

Hi, Whizzer.

I guess you heard.

Willie

About your fight with Dorothy?

The woman is impossible. Nothing I do seems to please her. I'm telling you, this thing has got me so worked up I don't know what to do anymore. I would have called, but, I've been a bundle of raw nerves ever since the argument. It's all I can do, is to keep myself from losing it altogether. I need a beer. [he leaves the living room to go to the kitchen]

Willie

[stops Whizzer from going to the kitchen] No!

Relax! I'll leave a buck on the counter, you cheapskate! Oh, I'm sorry. See what I mean? [he goes to the kitchen]

Willie

S-stop!

ALF

[pretending that he's a dog] Arf, arf. Would you believe "meow?"

Willie

How's your headache, Whizzer?

It's getting better. You know, I always thought that "hitting the ceiling" was just an expression. Does he, uh, levitate, or cure people by touching them, or anything?

Willie

You kidding? Can't even make his own bed.

ALF

I can so! I just don't want to.

You know, I've played a lot of clubs over the year, but, uh you're the third strangest things I've ever seen.

ALF

Really? Does that include Kate?

Neal

[comes out of the kitchen with a cup of water] Here you go, Whizzer. Drink this. Your pupils are dilating nicely.

Thank you. So, ALF, uh. What have you done since you got here?

ALF

Well, I, uh, uh, w.. I, uh. Uh, Willie?

Willie

Oh, well, he, he eats a lot. Have I left anything out, ALF?

This is incredible. First, my wife leaves me then I meet an alien. How many people can say that?

ALF

Imagine that. We could be neighbors with Spiro Agnew! Think about it. Don't you have a lot of questions?

Willie

[angrily] The only thing I have is an overwhelming desire to get the people you invited out of this house!

ALF

Okay, okay. But don't let them leave before you get the prize. I feel it this time. You're gonna win us that Chevy Blazer.

Willie

Nobody wins the Chevy Blazer.

ALF

That's what R. L. Smith of South Carolina used to think.

Willie

[on the phone] Yes, I'm canceling that appointment. Well, I don't feel that I have any use for a home flotation tank. I suppose I do sound like I could use one. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]

Kate

ALF, are you sure that's all the appointments you set up?

ALF

Yeah, yeah. You know you just blew our shot at winning the round trip on the Fun Bus to Vegas?

Willie

If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. You're not to invite salesmen into the house!

ALF

Well, it is funny how that hasn't sunk in yet. Why do you suppose that is?

Willie

Because you don't listen.

ALF

No, that's not it.

Willie

I have to punish you.

ALF

Should I assume the position?

Willie

Go to the attic until we decide what to do with you.

ALF

No.

Willie

No? What do you mean, no?

ALF

I mean I'm not going. What do you think about that?

Lynn

Ooh. Your turn, dad.

Willie

As long as you're living under this roof, you'll do what we tell you to do!

ALF

Well, in that case, I'm out of here. I'm hitting the bricks. I'm history, I'm vapor.

Willie

Yeah, sure. We've heard that before.

ALF

Yeah. Well, not another day under tyranny's heavy thumb. Goodbye, Willie. Goodbye, Kate. Goodbye, children. I think I shall miss you most of all. [leaves]

Willie

Yeah. Okay, go. We'll warn you just before the automatic sprinklers go on.

ALF

Don't bother. This time I mean it.

Willie

If there's one thing that alien has learned in his time on Earth it's how to make an exit.

ALF

[voiceover from outside, after leaving the Tanners] Oh, Lordie, Lordie. I'm free at last!

Willie

See?

ALF

[while he's alone outside] Oh. Well, that settles it. I am my own worst enemy. I could be watching Beauty and the Beast right now. What I wouldn't give to have a great setup in a sewer like that. Wait a minute. If I go back now, they'll never take me seriously. But they never did take me seriously. Why, I ought to. I'm out of here.

Willie

[while looking ALF] ALF? ALF? Hey, ALF. [as he hears the sprinklers turn on] Oh no.

Neal

And this was my grandmother's snowstorm paperweight. See, when you shake it, it snows.

ALF

Whoa. So she left you the bulk of her estate, huh? [he drops the snowglobe much to Neal's shock] That was an accident. I swear. I was nowhere near it.

Neal

Um....that's okay, ALF. I still have the box it came in. These things happen.

ALF

Really? What else you got?

Neal

Willie sounded awfully mad on the phone. What did you two fight about?

ALF

What's it always about? I just invited some people over to talk about timeshare living in New Mexico.

Neal

Ooh, timeshares. Did they bring pamphlets?

ALF

Yeah. They were like Jehovah's Witnesses, only with prizes.

Neal

ALF, I'm awfully glad you're here. I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to you about your amazing life.

ALF

Well, what do you wanna know?

Neal

Well, how far away was Melmac?

ALF

Well, that's a toughie. In feet? Pretty far, I guess.

Neal

Well, what solar system is it in?

ALF

I don't know. This may be a good time to tell you I was a P.E. major.

Willie

[from outside] 'It's me, Willie.'

ALF

Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.

Willie

[doorbells outside of Neal's apartment to pick up ALF] It's me, Willie.

ALF

Oh, great. The fun police have arrived.

Neal

[opens the door] Hey, Willie. You didn't have to come rushing over.

Willie

I can't believe you'd run off like that. You know how worried we were? Neal, I'm sorry to burden you with our burden.

Neal

Well, that's alright. Actually, we were having a good time. He's a pretty fun guy.

ALF

Then you should see me in a dress. In a white wig I look exactly like Estelle Getty. I guess that's pretty obvious, though, huh?

Willie

Come on, ALF, let's go. You're still not off the hook.

ALF

Oh, yeah, the beating.

Neal

Willie!

Willie

Well, that's ridiculous. I never touched him.

ALF

But you want to, don't you? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Willie

Come on. Let's go.

Neal

Willie, he's shaking.

Willie

It's a ploy. Stop it.

Neal

You know, Willie, it might not be so bad if you let ALF stay with me for a while. Give us a chance to get to know each other and Lord knows you two can use some time apart.

Willie

I guess I could talk Kate into it. But, uh, you're gonna need a reliable fire extinguisher and fresh batteries for your smoke detector. You gotta put 911 on speed dialing. Trust me, you'll need the time. Make out your will and other than that, hey, have fun.

Neal

Thanks, Willie.

Willie

Lordy, lordy, I'm free at last. Don't hate me. [he leaves as ALF gets shocked]

Kate

I'm sure I heard something. Honey, what if it's a burglar?

Willie

Don't worry, honey. I've got the lamp.

Neal

Oh. Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate.

Willie

Neal, what are you doing here?

Neal

I couldn't sleep at my house.

Kate

ALF?

Neal

Where?

Willie

It's okay. It's-it's okay. You're with friends now.

Neal

Willie, I tried. I tried reasoning. I asked nicely. How do you handle? How do you afford?

Willie

Well, Kate's working now and we're on our third mortgage. We're desperately hoping that Lynn will marry well.

Lynn

[gets up in the middle of the night and finds Neal] Hi, Uncle Neal. Are you okay?

Willie

He will be. Just take deep breaths, Neal. That's what we always did at first.

Neal

I mean, don't get me wrong. He's a nice little guy. We've actually had some nice conversations. [angrily] But I want him OUT OF MY HOUSE! [normal] I'm sorry. I haven't slept in 4 days. Or was it 9?

Kate

Neal, calm down. Just relax.

Lynn

Can I get you some coffee, a decaf?

Neal

Maybe a glass of warm milk?

Lynn

Okay.

Neal

With a flex straw?

Lynn

I'll see if we have any. [she heads to the kitchen]

Neal

Willie, it's awful. I don't know if he does these things on purpose or what!

Willie

Oh. He does. We just haven't been able to prove it. Neal, why don't you do something about it?

Neal

I'll be right behind you when you tell him.

Willie

Why should I tell him?

Neal

Because you know how I hate confrontation.

Willie

Neal, it's time you started to assert yourself. Stop letting people walk all over you.

Kate

You know, sometimes true bonding comes after great crisis. Maybe-

Willie

Kate, give it up. It's over.

Kate

Just when I started to dream in color again.

Neal

Oh, good Lord, he's dead.

Willie

Nah, he's just full. We've gotta get him on his feet. Hey, ALF, you've gotta get up, ALF.

ALF

[as he wakes up] Yeah.

Willie

Listen, can you hear me?

ALF

Yeah, yeah.

Willie

ALF, Neal has something that he wants to say to you.

ALF

Sure.

Willie

Neal.

Neal

ALF, it's about our living arrangement, ALF. Ah.

Willie

You know, he has 8 stomachs. This-this could take some time.

ALF

[wakes up] You were saying?

Neal

[sighs] ALF, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, ALF. Now, don't take this as a rejection. I-I just couldn't handle that.

ALF

You're throwing me out? Moi? I'm aghast. [angrily to Willie] You. You're behind all this! You poisoned him against me.

Willie

I didn't have to do a thing.

Neal

I'm sorry, ALF. It's just not working out.

ALF

Oh. Well, in that case, thanks for my wonderful time.

Neal

[sighs] Aw, ALF, you don't have to leave right this second. Why don't you take your time and you can. [he sees the light blubs explode as the lamp falls down thanks to ALF] Get out.

ALF

Okay, okay. Warm up the wagon, Willie. We're heading home.

Willie

I think that's the right decision. I'll bring the car around front.

Neal

I hope you're not mad at me.

ALF

No. It couldn't have been an easy thing for you to do.

Neal

We can still be friends, right?

ALF

Sure. We'll always have Paris.

Neal

Well, bye, ALF.

ALF

Aw, come over here, you lug. Thanks. You moved the bubble. Catch you around town, bro. [laughs and then burps] Oh, yeah, thanks. Wonderful.

ALF

Come on, guys, I'm back. Let's party. Hey, you, legs. Get me a brewski.

Lynn

It's Lynn, ALF, and sorry you're not at Uncle Neal's anymore.

ALF

Oh, yeah. I'm home. Or as I affectionately refer to it, the gulag.

Willie

Speaking of which I believe you still have a punishment to work out.

ALF

Oh, you're not still on that.

Willie

Attic. Now.

ALF

But, Willie.

Willie

Now!

ALF

But I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Don't hate me because I'm-

Willie

Attic!

ALF

Tough house.

Kate

Well, do we have everything? Hamburgers, paper plates.

Lynn

I've got the vegetables and the potato salad.

Brian

I've got the buns and the coleslaw.

ALF

That's everything, Kate.

Kate

Why do I get the feeling we forgot something?

ALF

Nope. That's everything.

Kate

[hears a strange noise from outside] Willie!

ALF

Oh, yeah. He's pinned underneath the grill. I didn't want to embarrass him by drawing undue attention to it.

Kate

[as Willie comes inside, wet] Oh, honey! You're drenched!

Willie

Really? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy flailing.

Kate

Are you alright?

Willie

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. No thanks to...

ALF

Oh, this is my fault.

Willie

Did you or did you not knock the barbecue over on me when you were running into the house?

ALF

Oh, that. That was my fault.

Kate

Willie, get out of those clothes right away. Before you catch a cold. You too, kids.

[as they both leave] Okay.

Willie

You don't catch cold from going out in the rain, Kate. That's an old wives' tale.

ALF

Hence Kate's knowledge of it.

Kate

There's a reason old wives get to be old wives. They stay warm and dry.

Willie

No, I was just reading an article about that in one of my scientific journals. It said that volunteers who were subjected to rapid temperature changes and cold water did not catch cold. [sneezes]

ALF

Gesundheit.

Kate

I told you, honey. You're catching a cold.

Willie

No! Nonsense, Kate. One sneeze does not a cold make. [sneezes]

ALF

Just out of curiosity how many sneezes does a cold make?