Willie Tanner quotes from ALF

Willie

Kate, do you know anything about this letter?

Kate

[reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."

Willie

Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.

Kate

Well, it's got to be a mistake.

Willie

Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.

Kate

Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.

Willie

Some people are so blinded by the thirst for money, that it causes them to lose their values and do things they shouldn't do.

ALF

Well, that explains Ghostbusters II.

Willie

Well, what's your professional opinion?

Larry

He's bored.

Willie

But you don't think there's any underlying psychological reason?

Larry

Maybe boredom.

Kate

That's it?

Larry

Well, he's a very intelligent being. I mean, he needs to be challenged.

Kate

He needs to be muzzled.

Willie

He has the computer. I've bought him dozens of books, video tapes.

Kate

He has plenty to do. The problem is he wants to be in the middle of whatever we're doing.

Larry

It's easy to forget, you know, that he's an adult and he wants to be treated like one.

Kate

So, what do we do?

Larry

Well, you could, talk to him, tell him your feelings ask for advice, his opinion, and do it at dinner. It'll work wonders.

Kate

What if it doesn't?

Larry

We'll have dessert.

Willie

[while cutting the bread] And he's just gotten completely carried away with this therapy thing.

Larry

You know ALF, he gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?

Willie

Oh, stop it, Larry. I've had enough of this all week. Just fix it.

Larry

Yeah, you know what they say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Kate

In ALF's hands, foam rubber is a dangerous thing.

Willie

Do you think you can help?

Larry

Trust me. I'm a professional.

Kate

The last time someone said that to me, I ended up with purple hair.

ALF

Did you get my breath mints?

Lynn

Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. I forgot.

ALF

Okay, but you're the one who has to live with it. [exhales]

Lynn

I'll run down to the 7-Eleven.

Willie

[arrives at the kitchen while carrying Eric] Honey, did you get any more cotton swabs? The tips are missing from all of these and I can't help but feel you probably know something about this.

ALF

Moths. It was moths.

Willie

Is that the best you can come up with?

Lynn

I've got 'em, dad. Here, ALF. At least we remembered your cotton balls.

Kate

What are you doing with all this cotton?

ALF

I've been experimenting with some new menu ideas.

Kate

You mean you're eating it?

ALF

Yeah, I also tried attic insulation but it left me feeling bloated and unattractive.

Willie

It's funny that way.

ALF

[looking at the cotton] But the cotton. Ah, the cotton! All the flavor of a fine polyester with none of the unpleasant aftertaste. [eats the cotton] Mmmm.

Kate

ALF?

ALF

Oh, yeah. Yeah, just a second, Kate. [he continues laughing]

Kate

ALF, are you aware that that television isn't on?

Willie

Well, what are you laughing at, then?

ALF

Son of a gun, I don't remember. Was I laughing?

Willie

Are you okay, ALF?

ALF

Hey! What say we get naked and do some chanting? Well, look at that. I'm halfway there! [laughs]

Willie

Say, ALF, uh, do you ever think that all this cotton you're eating could be affecting your moods?

ALF

Definitely.

Kate

Don't you think you should cut down?

ALF

Why? What have you got against cotton? Y'all Yankees? [laughs]

Willie

I think you should cut down, ALF! Uh, here, let me help. [ALF tries to grab the cotton box but Willie takes it away from him] ALF. ALF! Let me have this. I'll ration it out for you.

ALF

Alright, but now those Cheech and Chong movies are gonna lose some of their poignancy.

ALF

[voiceover] New York! Hey, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm announcing my retirement. Good night, and I love you. New York!

Willie

Huh? Huh? Honey?

Kate

Huh? What?

Willie

Did you say something?

Kate

No. I was just thinking how Sinatra's voice has slipped over the years.

Willie

I'm sorry.

Kate

Huh?

Willie

Go to sleep.

Kate

I don't suppose we were having the same dream.

Willie

I don't know. How were your seats?

ALF

[voiceover] Now just the women sing! [continues singing] Thank you! Thank you very much! It's good to be back. [continues singing until Willie, Kate, and Lynn come to stop him]

Willie

ALF! Quiet!

ALF

Liza! Sammy! Dino! Hey! Why don't we all tour together?

Willie

I thought I told you no more cotton.

ALF

I know what you're thinking. And you're worried about our supply. But this book here says there's this land called Alabama where cotton practically grows on trees.

Kate

ALF, it's almost 2:00 in the morning, okay?

ALF

Thanks. Last call. Here. [picks up a ripped pillow] Everybody rip off a piece and pass it around.

Willie

We're not eating any pillow.

ALF

Then how do you intend to stay awake for our drive to Alabama, huh?

Willie

Nobody's going to Alabama!

ALF

This is really gonna bum out the band.

Kate

We are all gonna go back to sleep. [angrily] You're gonna stop singing and send the band home.

ALF

Okay. But I never got treated like this at the golden nugget. [he continues singing]

Willie

[after he saw ALF ate a cotton] I saw that. I saw you take that cotton.

ALF

Brian did it!

Brian

Me? No, I didn't.

ALF

He's lying! J'accuse!

Willie

That's enough of that. I saw you take that cotton with my own eyes.

ALF

[yelling] I don't have to take this! Now, I may be small, but I'm scrappy. Come on! Who wants a piece? [tired] Oh. [sings] Da da da da da, Da da da da da.

Kate

Admit it, ALF. You have a cotton problem.

Lynn

We only want to help you.

ALF

Then stop trying to make me feel guilty. Now, I say we go into the living room and dance! Who's with me? [Lynn, Willie, and Kate ignore him] I know what you're thinking. He doesn't have the guts to dance alone. Ha! Well, that's where you're wrong. I'm doing it! I'm dancing alone! And there's no music! [leaves the kitchen but comes back in tired] Oh.. Just for the sake of argument suppose I do have a problem?

ALF

[loudly] HALLELUJAH! THE MOTHER LODE!

Kate

Willie, he's got the lint screen.

Willie

ALF, give me the lint screen.

ALF

[loudly] Yeah? COME AND GET IT!

Kate

I think it's time we make that call.

Willie

While you're at it, see if you can get me a stun gun.

ALF

Don't make me use this.

ALF

Willie! Don't you know how to knock?

Willie

You were going to eat that dish towel, weren't you?

ALF

This? I was just smelling it. Hoping for a contact high. [smells the towel]

Willie

ALF, they want to know why I smoke.

ALF

Willie, you smoke?

Willie

I want to help you, ALF, I really, really do. But you have to want to get better, too. Now, seriously why do you think you need to eat cotton?

ALF

I don't know.

Willie

But surely you can't be happy like this.

ALF

You're right, I'm not! I'm a wreck! Willie, I've got a monkey on my back! It's a mean monkey and it's hassling all the tourists for money! Make him go!

[voiceover] Willie?

ALF

Well, I hate for you to see me like this. Is my mascara running?

Willie

Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna try to steer the conversation around to something that you can relate to. But this time, you have to listen. You understand?

ALF

Alright, alright. [Willie leaves the kitchen] Hey. Reformed smokers are the worst.

Willie

[goes to the kitchen to have a private conversation with ALF] What is it, ALF?

ALF

I don't know. Help me, Willie. I'm scared.

Willie

Don't be afraid, ALF. Look, you want to eat cotton. Now, why? What's the reason? Think.

ALF

Please, just one bite of your pants down by the cuff. I'm begging!

Willie

No, no, you don't want that.

ALF

I do!

Willie

No, you don't!

ALF

For once I wish people would stop telling me what I want! How do you know what I want? I want- I wanna go outside. I wanna see someone who looks like me. I'm lonely, Willie. I want to go home!

Willie

I understand, ALF. I, I, I understand.

[voiceover] Willie?

Willie

I, I gotta go talk to Howard.

ALF

No, don't leave me!

Willie

I.. Please. I won't. I-I won't leave you. I'll be there in a minute, Howard!

ALF

I miss Saturday night aphid chews. I miss my friends. Especially Rhonda. I remember one night after harness racing she was helping me out of my bridle.

Willie

I had no idea. ALF, you always joke about Melmac. Well, it wasn't the most together planet.

ALF

But still. How'd you like to be the only member of your species?

Willie

Sometimes I feel like I am.

ALF

But you have a family, Willie. When you're, talking with little Eric talking that baby talk. You look so, so, so ridiculous. It makes me realize I'm never gonna be able to look half that ridiculous with a little one of my own.

Willie

You can be ridiculous with our family anytime you want. And you are.

ALF

Ah, just not the same. There's a bond that you have that I never will.

Willie

[goes to the attic and reads a sign ALF wrote] Nice touch.

ALF

Subtle, but it makes a point.

Willie

I can understand your feelings, ALF. I can also understand your dilemma. What I can't understand is this note.

ALF

It's in English. What don't you understand?

Willie

[reading a note that ALF wrote] "Dear Neal, take some advice from a guy who loves you like a brother. There's a camper leaving town at noon either be in it or under it. Love, Anonymous."

ALF

I love when you read to me.

Willie

You left this on the kitchen table hoping that Neal would see it and think it was from me, didn't you?

ALF

Let him draw his own conclusions. I didn't say it was from his brother. Clever, yes?

Willie

If my brother wants to visit here for a while he's welcome, ALF.

ALF

Fine. But if you were more forceful and less sympathetic to freeloaders perhaps he'd get the hint.

Willie

I'm ending this conversation now. But before I go, I'd like you to imagine what my being less sympathetic to freeloaders might mean to the fate of another member of this household.

ALF

He's right. Kate would have been history a long time ago.

ALF

[burps while having breakfast with Lynn and Brian] Yeah. You know, if you eat fast, you could eat more.

Lynn

Yeah. It also adds to the ambience.

ALF

I know. [burps]

Lynn

[as she sees Willie arriving at the kitchen] Good morning, dad.

Willie

Good morning, Lynn, Brian, ALF. ALF, what are you doing down here?

ALF

Finishing oatmeal with clams.

Willie

Well, go back upstairs. Neal could come in here any minute.

ALF

I don't think so. He's gone.

Willie

Gone? What do you mean gone?

ALF

Relax, I don't mean dead.

Brian

I saw his boxer shorts drive by my window.

Kate

ALF?

Willie

Kate, Neal drove off in his camper early this morning.

Kate

That's odd.

ALF

Well, I'll just mosey on off to the television area if no one minds.

Willie

[stops ALF] Hold it. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you didn't write him another note.

ALF

I didn't write him another note. [pause] Uh, pay no attention to my ears.

Lynn

Nice try.

Willie

I told you this was none of your concern, didn't I? [angrily] Didn't I make it perfectly clear you were to stay out of this?

ALF

Obviously not clear enough.

Kate

What exactly did this note say, ALF?

ALF

Well, I seem to recall, and I'm paraphrasing now. Amscray, wearing out your welcome. Oh, and deadbeat. Sincerely yours, William Tanner.

Willie

You signed my name?

ALF

Well, you got mad when I signed the first one anonymous. Is there no pleasing you?

Kate

[comes out of the kitchen while the family is having dinner] Huh. Well, here's an expression I'm not often called on to use. ALF, your dinner's getting cold.

ALF

[comes to the dining room, singing] Uncle Neal has gone away, Doo-da doo-da, I can eat out here today, All doo-day long, Everybody! Gonna eat all day-

Willie

[interrupts ALF's song] ALF, I really don't appreciate that at all.

ALF

Okay. Then you wanna hear how I changed the words to "Helter Skelter"?

Willie

No.

Lynn

I'm gonna miss him. It was fun having Uncle Neal around.

Kate

Hmm. Well, he's just down the street. You can go visit him. I know he's really lonely since Margaret left him.

ALF

Hey, he had a bad marriage. Who hasn't, right, Willie?

Lynn

What's Uncle Neal's new apartment like?

ALF

Much too close to this house.

Kate

It's nice. It's small but at least he has more room than he had in the camper.

Brian

I thought the camper was neat. It had a toilet right in the shower.

ALF

So do we. Oh, what? Like you've never done it?

Willie

[goes upstairs to the attic] Hi, ALF.

ALF

Don't you believe in knocking?

Willie

No door.

ALF

Well, what if you caught me at an awkward moment?

Willie

Let's just be grateful that that hasn't happened.

ALF

So to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?

Willie

Oh, I was just, uh. I was looking around for some other things that Neal might be able to use in his new apartment. Yeah.

ALF

No, don't take those!

Willie

Why not?

ALF

Well, I was planning on using them. Someday. When I got married.

Willie

If the day ever comes that you get married. I promise you, I'll buy you a whole new set of saucepans. And I'll dance on them.

ALF

It could happen. Look at Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks. He could have anybody he wants. No, not that. You can't give him that.

Willie

Well, ALF, this is just an old fan.

ALF

It's not just any old fan. I use it to scrape my calluses.

Willie

Keep it.

ALF

Well, if you see anything else you like, by all means, take it.

Willie

Neal is getting his own apartment now, ALF. Hopefully things will be returning to normal here. I should think that would make you happy.

Neal

[offscreen] Willie, you up there?

Willie

I mean, yeah. Under the bed.

ALF

Okay, I will. And I won't let this degrade me at all, in case you're worried. [hides under the bed]

Neal

[arrives at the attic] Morning, Willie. I thought I heard you up here.

Willie

Yeah, yeah. I was just looking for some more stuff for your new apartment.

Neal

What, are you taking in boarders now?

Willie

Oh, that bed is Brian's old bed. You know how attached kids can get to their old furniture. Especially after they wet it.

Neal

Well, it's nice to know you've stuck to the old values. Oh, hey, I could really use this, Willie. [picks up a tape recorder as hears ALF's hiccups but Willie takes the tape recorder away from him]

Willie

The speed's all off. You don't want that.

Neal

Oh, hey, it's your old Clairmont High yearbook.

Willie

Yeah. I know. Let's look at it later.

Neal

You know, that's where I first met Margaret. Future Farmers.

Willie

I know.

Neal

Boy, that gal could really take down a steer.

Willie

Funny what first attracts you to a woman. Let's, uh. Let's go look in the garage, eh?

Neal

Willie, you gotta stop sometime. I only have a 1-bedroom apartment. [he and Willie go downstairs with a box]

ALF

[gets up from under the bed] If he wasn't the brother of my meal ticket, I'd clean his clock!