[Willie is in his room sick while Kate gives him soup]
Have some soup. You'll feel better.
WillieThanks. I really appreciate the way you've been putting up with me.
Oh, you can't help it. You're a man.
Willie
I'll just ignore that. But thanks, though. I have enjoyed the peace and quiet.
Willie
When I could get it.
I'll get you some more tissues.
Willie, you're a whiter shade of pale.
Willie
As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a lot better.
Oh, good! You could have taken a turn for the worse. Developed pneumonia, ended up in box city Left us with nothing but Kate's shaky career in real estate.
Does the phrase "thin ice" mean anything to you?
Willie
You know, I think I ought to call the office. Maybe I could squeeze in a half a day.
No. No, you need your rest. You stay right where you are.
Really? I mean, you get to lie around all day, eat, watch TV. How many people get to do that? [pause] I said "people." [sneezes]
Willie
You sneezed.
I did not. [sneezes two times]
Willie
[to ALF, after he sneezed] I think you've caught my cold!
Impossible. I told you before, Melmacians never get sick. Only inferior, backwards species get sick. [pause] No offense.
Just to be on the safe side, you better go upstairs and lie down.
Okay, but I'll need the microwave, the TV, the VCR, and Police Academies 1, 2, 3, and 6. [pause] 4 and 5 lacked the pathos and emotional underpinnings of the others.
[2 days later, ALF is still sick]
[as she and Willie check on ALF] Here are the books you wanted ALF.
Willie
How are you feeling?
Like someone stuffed gerbils up my nose!
Willie
Nice touch, ALF. Don't encourage him.
But I really am feeling worse!
Willie
My cold ran its course in a week. Isn't it interesting that yours is hanging on so long?
Look at this nose, Willie. There's enough room in there for the viruses to start their own republic. In fact, I think I hear their vice president speaking. [he blows his nose]
[as she felt ALF's head] Feel his head, Willie.
Willie
[as he felt ALF's head] He's not.. Oh, my, my, he, he is. He's burning up.
Actually, I'm having a cold flash right now.
Willie
I'm sorry, ALF. I feel terrible.
I'll get you some lunch. [she heads to the kitchen while Willie checks on ALF, Willie quickly follows her]
[at the end, the Tanners host a barbeque]
Alright. You take the coleslaw. I'll take the salad.
Willie
Today, we finally get to use our backyard blitzer.
[from outside as the barbeque is on fire] I got the barbeque lit! Specifically, the wheels!
[Kate and Willie run outside to catch ALF as the episode ends]
Willie
[answers the phone] Hello?
[on the phone in the kitchen] Make it a luau.
Willie
ALF? Where are you?
In the kitchen. Did you know there's a number you can dial that makes your own phone ring? Groovy, huh?
Willie
What do you want?
Be smart, Willie. Think luau. [hangs up the phone]
Willie
[dries up ALF with a towel after he saw him fall past the window] I can't believe you'd pull a stunt like that. Does it hurt very much?
Only when I burp. [burps] Ow!
Willie
Why did you ever leave the attic? Because you lied, you, you liar. [burps] Ow! Oh, it hurts so bad.
Willie
Yes, you did.
You said I could have leftovers. There won't be any. You said I could watch the party. You moved it inside.
Willie
Well, how was I supposed to know it was gonna rain?
Willie
Listen, we made a deal. I expect you to live up to it. Now, you stay here right here in the shed and don't move or you get nothing. That's non-negotiable!
Willie
Good. [leaves]
He never learns. [burps] Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Willie ties ALF outside after he caught him from dancing]
Willie, it's not my fault. It was that devil music, it called to me. Suddenly, I was burning with passion, desperately looking for a carbon maranda hat. The kind of fruit?
Willie
Uh-huh! You can't be trusted pal. This is for your own good.
Ha! There isn't a garbage shed in the town that could hold me. [after Willie leaves, he hums conga music, and then burps] Ow!
[ALF is at the attic writing a story]
Willie
ALF! It's 1:00 in the morning!
Willie
Are you gonna type all night?
Look, while you're here, let me run some very hip jokes by you. When I'm done, there won't be a dry seat in the house.
Willie
There's a challenge I never thought I'd face. Okay, let's get this over with.
Good, you're psyched. Anyone here ever been to a fast-food restaurant? On Melmac, they were the worst. You'd ask for extra crispy. They'd bring you a cat with arthritis! [laughs]
Willie
ALF, take my advice. Don't quit your day job. Which, in your case, is just an expression.
Yeah. Like he knows anything about comedy. Mr. "Oh, here's a humorous paradox I read about in Scientific American." I'm funny. I am. I could be a comic. I am funny. I really am!
[Raquel doorbells from outside]
When will it all stop? I need my rest.
ALF, do we have to go into the kitchen?
Willie
You know the rules son.
Where have you been keeping him? [runs up to ALF] There he is! [laughs] I laugh just looking at you.
[laughs] Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over and meet my bridge club? They all adore you.
Look, any other time, I would have said "yes." But I have a life now.
[laughs] I love this funny man. Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me?
Brian! I don't do my own autographs. But I will touch the photo. [Brian gives Raquel a photo]
Well, I'd better get back. Thank you, Mr. Shumway.
Yeah. You're welcome. Check her for money and get her out of here.
[laughs] He ad-libbed for me! [laughs] Oh, I hope to see you around. Save me a fur ball. [leaves the house]
Well, I'm off to the track. I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money. [laughs]
But what about the, lifetime achievement award you're being given tonight? Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech?
I'll wing it. Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony. But you know why that is.
Willie
Because once, we said you weren't funny.
That's right. Now, you know where you belong.
WKWillie and Kate
The attic.
And don't touch my things!
[Willie and Kate head to the attic]
[talking from his dream as he wakes up] I was funny, I was funny, I was funny.
Willie
[he and Kate come in the attic] ALF!
Willie
You're alright?
Oh, Willie, I had a nightmare. I was a stand up comic and I had to clean up vomit! Listen, I've decided not to be a comedian. I hope you're not too disappointed.
Willie
Oh, we dealt with you giving up Dirty Dancing. I think we can deal with this.
Thanks. I just realized I'm too pretty to be funny. I envy you Kate.
You heard me. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. [leaves the attic]
Willie
[does do some kung fu moves] Because you must be STARVING, STRAVING! [ALF freaks out] Hurry up because Eric in Charge is on!
No! [wakes up from his real dream] No, no! Whoa! Whew! Well at least Woody Allen liked me. I'm getting out of comedy. Think I'll be a plate spinner. Yeah.
[comes out of the hallway with her painting] Hi.
Hi, Lynnie. How's the painting coming?
Be honest. What do you think?
Sorry, babe. It doesn't speak to me. Next.
Willie
I, I think it's very nice. It looks good enough to eat.
So you didn't get the conflicting disharmony between man and nature?
Willie
I have to be honest, Lynn. Uh, I'm afraid all I see is a very happy pear.
Lynn, a word to the wise. Forget art! Stick with plan A: Throw yourself at the first rich man to come along.
ALF. This class means a lot to me. It's being taught by a very respected artist in residence.
What, he couldn't afford a place of his own?
I know what it means. You know, I happen to have a nodding acquaintance with painting myself.
Willie
I've seen you paint yourself many times.
Go ahead, mock me. But I was quite the artist in my time. I could paint any canvas any color for $29.95. No ups, no extras.
Willie
You know, I just had a thought. Perhaps if you were to rekindle your interest in art it might be a less destructive and costly way for you to spend your idle hours.
You know, the ones between waking up and falling asleep.
Oh, [laughs] Courtesy laugh. Willie, I accept your offer. So, Kate, ever done any nude modeling? Talk about a conflicting disharmony between man and nature.
[angrily comes home from school and confronts ALF for ruining her project] You are in big trouble, mister! You've got a lot of explaining to do!
Oh, Willie, Willie. You're a constant disappointment to Kate and me.
Do you know what he did? He stuffed his painting in my portfolio thinking somehow Mr. Reuben would critique it before I could find it.
Oh, that was an awfully stupid plan, ALF.
That's what I thought at first.
It worked. I knew it! I knew watching The Brady Bunch wasn't a waste of time! What did he have to say? Huh, huh, huh?
Oh, great. The fun part. Now I get to tell him.
I knew it. He hated it. Excuse me while I open a vein.
Wait, ALF, before you make a mess the truth is he liked it. He said it was brave, raw, and inspired.
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! My day and a half of suffering has paid off.
Willie
You mean it's possible that this could truly be a work of art?
And so the breakdown of human civilization begins.
This is horrible. Mr. Reuben thinks I have talent. What am I going to do?
Oh, how do you get yourself into these things?
What you did was thoughtless, selfish, and egotistical! [leaves angrily]
You spend your life raising them and this is the thanks you get.
Willie
I don't know what to get your mother for our anniversary. After 22 years of marriage, what can I possibly get her that would really make her happy?
You could always drop ALF off in the desert.
Willie
No, wouldn't want to waste that on anything less than our 25th.
[arrives at the kitchen while the family is having breakfast] Oh. Hi, everybody.
Willie
Morning, ALF. How are you this fine Saturday morning?
Alright. I'll be better once I have some coffee and we talk about death.
Willie
Death?
I believe it was Nietzsche who put it best. "Life is short. And when it ends we crumble and stink like an overripe blue cheese."
I found some pictures of you guys taken before my arrival. Notice anything obvious?
Willie
Besides being incredibly happy?
Actually, what struck me is how much you've aged. Especially you, Kate. I still have 400 years ahead of me. What am I gonna do when you guys move in with the dirt people?
Well, we hadn't really thought about it. Uh, I suppose you'll move in with Lynn.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This is the first I've heard of this.
I'm sorry, ALF, but I just can't commit.
[while looking at a picture] I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
Willie
ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.
Willie
Well, whatever. Come on, everybody. We're not gonna be home too late.
Wait! Do you have to go? Well, what if something happens to you?
ALF, for the last time, nothing is going to happen. We're only going to a bar mitzvah.
Still, I want you to take two cars and drive fast through the bad neighborhoods. Kate, you take the lead car and wear something bright to draw their fire.
ALF, has anyone ever told you when you dwell on something you become annoyingly obsessed?
Willie
Come on, we're running late, hon. Bye, ALF.
Bye. Hey, whatever you do don't get trapped between fat people and the buffet table! Oh, who am I kidding? I've gotta face facts. One day, Willie and Kate are gonna take that 6-foot dive. And then what? [picks up a picture and stares at it] Oh, Lynn. Sweet, unfocused Lynn. Maybe you're my hope.
ALF · 397 quotes
