[ALF is having a hangout with the Castaways]
ALFMary Ann, did you make one of your famous coconut cream pies?
No. They won't let me make them anymore.
You see I noticed our blood sugar levels were getting dangerously high. Plus the fact we were sick to death of them.
Anyway, today we're having mangoes.
ALF
Wow. Mangoes.
We're sick of mangoes too.
Well I like mangoes. I'm just sick of making dental floss for you people.
ALF
I get the feeling you people aren't happy.
We're not. We're bored. Do you know we've been doing the same thing day in and day out for 23 years?
Yeah. How would you like to listen to the Skipper's boring old navy stories over and over and over?
I thought you liked my navy stories. I was a good sailor.
Oh we're all familiar with your nautical record, Skipper. You're ah, o and one, I believe.
You see. You have one little shipwreck and they never let you forget it!
ALF
Well you guys should be grateful. You're here on Gilligan's Island.
Are you kidding? Why, we'd be out of here in a minute if smarty-pants over here could figure out a way for us to get off this rock!
Don't blame me! Every time I devise a plan, it's ruined by that hebetudinous sidekick of yours!
ALF
"Hebetudinous"?
ALF
Oh.
Why you can't call my little buddy addlepated.
Will you stop calling me little buddy? I'm in my 40s, for crying out loud!
ALF
Stop it! You people are supposed to be funny and friendly and, and wacky!
This is our island. You can't tell us when to be wacky.
Yeah. Who died and made you King Kamayamaya?
ALF
I know something that'll keep you from fighting, let's re-enact the time when the headhunter came to the island. I'll be the headhunter, and Gilligan can be Gilligan.
I've got a better idea. Let's re-enact the time that ALF came to the island to help us dig. You be ALF, and start digging.
ALF
I'm not going to dig! I refuse to dig! I won't dig! I won't! I won't, I won't, I won't!
[the castaways sent ALF digging]
ALF
What am I digging here?
You're filling in the lagoon.
Yeah we're going to build a miniature golf course.
And we're not going to let the Howells play on it.
Shall I go get your clubs Skipper?
No Gilligan. It's not ready yet. [hat thump] It'll take a couple of months.
Come on. Let the furry little guy work. It's almost time for our favorite TV show.
ALF
You have a TV?
Oh yeah. I rigged one up using some bamboo, a couple of coconut shells and a 19 inch picture tube that washed up on the shore. I even built a VCR.
Yeah. But all our tapes are beta. [she waves goodbye to ALF]
ALF
Hey Gilligan, digging's really fun. You want to do some?
ALF
Even Gilligan won't fall for it.
[offscreen; hat thump] What was that for?
[offscreen] I just felt like it. Nyah ha ha.
ALF
I wonder if the Howells need a 4th for golf.
[as the Professor sets up the TV, the castaways get ready to watch their favorite TV show]
Sit down Professor, we can't see.
I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.
Give me the hat, Skipper.
TATV Announcer
And now it's time for The Adventures of the Tanner Family.
ALF
Tanner family?
TATV Announcer
Starting Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter, and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode "Brian Takes a Bath".
Oh boy, this is my favorite.
I never had a bath for 23 years.
[on TV] That meatloaf was delicious, mom.
[on TV] Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.
Apple pie. I haven't had that in 23 years.
That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.
I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
[on TV] Can I have some water, Dad?
[on TV] You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.
How does Willie come up with that stuff?
The great ones make it look so easy.
ALF
Why was that funny?
Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.
Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.
They change their clothes.
They don't hit each other with hats.
ALF
Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?
Don't you have some dirt to shovel?
ALF
I can shovel dirt back home.
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
ALF
I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.
[on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?
ALF
I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.
ALF
Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!
It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.
ALF
Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?
That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.
ALF
Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?
As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.
ALF
I hate this place.
ALF
[running inside the house and hides in the closet] Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!
What was ALF running for?
ALF
[inside the closet] Occupied!
ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?
ALF. ALF! Say, ALF, what's going on?
[doorbell rings]
ALF
[inside the closet] Get the front door, Willie. It may be self evident.
Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.
Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.
I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.
Are you going to form an angry mob?
I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.
What did this monster look like?
Uh, like bigfoot. Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.
Maybe we should go have a look.
Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.
Fine! You just tell that to it!
Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.
[Lynn opens the door]
ALF
Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.
[while putting on a costume on Brian for a school play] Hold still, Bri. I don't wanna stick you.
ALF
You look great, B. Sort of like the Pope's son.
I'm in a play at school. I'm Friar Tuck. One of Robin Hood's merry men.
ALF
No kidding. We had a Robin Hood on Melmac.
Did he take from the rich and give to the poor?
ALF
No, he just robbed the hoods off people's cars.
Honey, please. ALF, would you leave us alone?
ALF
Fine. I'll go bother Lynn. What's all this stuff?
It's a project for my sociology class. I'm putting together our family tree.
ALF
Who chopped it down? Was it me, again?
ALF, why don't you make a family tree?
ALF
Yeah, it's a fun way to remember your ancestors.
Well, I don't remember much.
ALF
My father was always breaking things, and my mother sat around eating all day.
It's amazing you turned out so well.
ALF
Thanks. But sometimes I do blow my nose on the wrong towel. [Kate and Lynn stare at ALF] What?
[Willie and Kate found out that ALF left the Tanners]
You want to get the coffee?
I'll get the eggs. [sighs] Well, I see ALF's had his breakfast.
At least he didn't eat the tape recorder. [finds ALF's note] What is this?
Probably his grocery list.
Kate, listen. [reads ALF's note] "Dear Earth family, the depth of my shame is so great. I've decided to leave. Press play for further details." [he press play on ALF's tape as he hears opera playing] "That's my "Carmen" tape".
ALF
[singing on his tape and makes his announcement] "Yo, Tanners, it's me ALF. Hope you don't mind me recording over your Carmen tape."
No, no, your version is much better.
ALF
[on tape] "As you now know, I'm not there. I've decided to run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes."
What does he know of life's vicissitudes? I still have to put up the toilet seat for him.
ALF
[on tape] "Perhaps 1 day when I can deal with my seedy lineage I will see you all again. Farewell. I love you all. Now back to more classical music." [sings opera until the tape is turned off]
Willie, where could he have gone?
[Willie is listening to ALF's recording]
ALF
[on tape] As you now know, I'm not there. I've run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
[comes to the living room] Willie, I couldn't find him anywhere.
Well, where could a 3 foot, hairy alien go and not be conspicuous?
Steven Spielberg's house?
[Brian comes to the living room]
No. But my Friar Tuck costume is gone. Maybe he went to Sherwood Forest.
No, Bri. Sherwood Forest is in England. ALF only took enough food to get to Canada.
Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri. Y-you'll understand when you're older.
Well, older than me. I'm still trying to figure it out.
[arrives home] Nothing. Where could he have gone?
Someplace where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
Well, that's what he said on the tape.
No, no, uh, besides that. Wait a minute, ALF wanted me to send my allowance to a bunch of monks. Listen to this. [reads ALF's note] "Peace and tranquility, life's vicissitudes." It's from the Brothers of the Peaceful Dominion.
That's it! He's joined a monastery.
Face it, ALF, you're not monk material.
ALF
Well yes I am. I came with all the qualifications. Sloth, Greed, Gluttony.
Those are the Seven Deadly Sins.
ALF
I thought the Seven Deadly Sins were those guys from Snow White.
Those are the Seven Dwarfs.
ALF
We prefer to call them "little people".
Come on home, ALF. We miss you. Nobody cares about your past.
ALF
Well, gee, I don't know. Tonight's my turn to bang the dinner gong.
ALF
Okay, you got a deal. You came all this way to get me. If you want me back so badly. You deserve me.
ALF
Well, just give me a second to say goodbye to the bros, okay? Yo, I'm leaving! [the monks cheer] I thought this was a silent order.
[Willie comes in the kitchen and turns off the TV ALF is watching]
ALF
Hey! I wanted to watch Crazy Steve tear a drumstick off that tarantula.
It's 3:00 in the morning, ALF.
ALF
What's time to a spider, Willie?
ALF
Because I couldn't move the refrigerator out there.
ALF
I love when you're assertive.
ALF
Can I just ask one bedtime question?
ALF
I saw Polka Jamboree tonight. It's really funny. Why does it get such crummy ratings?
For one thing, it's not supposed to be funny.
ALF
What's the other thing?
ALF
Next question.
I thought there was gonna be 1 question here.
ALF
This is the bonus round. What happens to a show when it's ratings are bad?
ALF
[gasps] You mean Polka Jamboree could be cancelled?
We can only hope. Good night, ALF.
ALF
Wait, wait. If more people watched Polka Jamboree, the rating would go up right?
Yes, but that would take a miracle.
ALF
Well miracle, huh? Well just call me the miracle worker.
Is this a pirate, or is this a pirate? Lynn?
ALF
[comes in wearing a costume] Good morning.
ALF
A touch of your aftershave.
I meant those silly glasses.
ALF
Silly glasses? Look who's talking. This is my Halloween costume.
What are you supposed to be?
ALF
Gene shalit. Too obscure?
You're not planning on trick-or-treating, are you?
ALF
Are you kidding? I can't wait. I'm coming back with a bag full of candy apples, popcorn balls, and cats.
ALF, no one's going to give you a cat.
ALF
That's right. You have to bob for cats.
[Brian dumps all the candy on the table]
ALF
Whoa! Yeah! Great haul, Brian!
ALF
I'll guard these. You get back in the house. The party's going to start soon.
I hate parties. Everyone pats me on the head, and says I'm growing up too fast.
ALF
Cut the small talk! Let's divide the loot! Okay, one for you, One for me. One for you. One for me. One for me. One for me.
[puts knife on the table] Not so fast, me Bucko!
ALF
You are growing up too fast! We'll do this right. One for me. One for you.
ALF
Hey, you look good in Vinyl. How are you doing? Nice to meet you. Happy Halloween everybody!
EEveryone
Happy Halloween!
Say, what are you doing here?
ALF
Greeting the guests. Hey, Tex! Looks like you're putting on weight there. [laughs]
Could I speak with you in the kitchen just for a moment?
ALF
Hey, not now Willie. Your pumpkin's on fire. Ha! His pumpkin is on fire!
BBernice
Well, who is little this guy?
This is Gordon, everyone. Gordon's an old friend of our family. Bernice, don't mention his height. He's very sensitive.
ALF
Hey, cowgirl. Nice calves. Ha! Nice calves! [Willie takes him to the kitchen]
Okay, mister. I want the truth! And I want it now!
ALF
Alright. Your hair is thinning.
You got a hold of our guest list, didn't you. You called people and told them to wear costumes just so you could come.
ALF
You dragged me in here to tell me things I already know?
On top of that, you invited the Burkes.
ALF
Again, old news.
ALF
Because I really want you to get that promotion. Now get out there and start kissing up.
I'm not kissing up to anyone, especially not Walter Burke.
ALF
I know you wouldn't. That's why I'm here to do it for you. Oh Wollie!
No wait, wait. You can't go out there. What if they discover that you're an alien?
ALF
They won't. They'll think I'm wearing a costume, see?
Where did you get that zipper?
ALF
Well, you know your old jacket that you were gonna throw out?
ALF
Better hang on to it. I ripped this out of your new raincoat.
Alright, go on and go out there. I don't care. Go on, fine with me. Blow your cover, that's fine! Just do me one favor.
ALF
Ok, ok. I'll do my Elvis impression.
Please keep away from my boss.
ALF
No problem, he seems like a yuts anyway. Ok, everybody! Let's tear this place apart!
[ALF is watching a beauty pageant on TV]
ALF
I think it's a United Nations meeting.
That's not the United Nations. It's a beauty pageant.
ALF
Are you sure? A minute ago, they just asked the ambassador from Spain what she would do for world peace.
She's not the ambassador. She's a contestant.
ALF
Oh. Well that explains why the Swedish ambassador was juggling.
[comes in the kitchen] Hi, ALF.
ALF
Hi. Hey, Kate. Do you think I'm good looking?
ALF
Well, if you were my age would you go out with me?
Well, if we your age and if I weren't married and if we were the same species, I guess so.
ALF
Yeah? Where would we go?
I don't know, how about a Rocky film?
ALF
Nah, he hasn't been funny since he broke up with Bullwinkle. What else you got?
ALF
It doesn't sound like you put much thought into this date.
That's because I haven't.
ALF
Well, fine! Why don't we just forget the whole thing, okay?
ALF
Fine. Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. People would have just stared. [stares at himself with a mirror]
ALF · 397 quotes
