ALFHold it. I haven't had my dessert.
ALF
It's a slimeball.
ALF
I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.
ALF
You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.
Alf, where did you get those?
ALF
Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.
What's the surprise in the centre?
ALF
I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.
ALF
Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.
ALF
Oh, they're not that stale.
ALF
Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.
There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.
ALF
Of course it does. It's a roach. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?
Would somebody just squash it!
Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.
We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.
ALF
You're comparing me to a cockroach?
I'm going to get the spray.
ALF
Answer me!
But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.
It will be just as interesting dead.
No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of donut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure ALF doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll-[Kate sprays the roach with insecticide]
ALF
You mentioned something about a donut?
ALF, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.
ALF
Why? It's gone.
Look, it's not there anymore.
Maybe you didn't spray it enough.
ALF
I'll be right back.
ALF
I'm going to call a donut place that delivers.
Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.
Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.
Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.
ALF
Psst. Willie.
Yeah, alright, ALF, you can order the donuts.
ALF
I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."
ALF
Just come out here.
What is all this secrecy about?
ALF
I didn't want to upset Kate.
What is it that would upset Kate?
ALF
I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate. [he points] Ol' blue eyes is back. [he screeches]
Yo, Tanner. You in there?
ALF
It's crawling with spiders back there!
ALF
Well, can I at least take something to read? Steve Allen's World of Bugs. Great, I've already read it. [he ducks down behind the counter]
I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?
Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.
Ah, yeah, cockroaches. Blattella Germanica, our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over 300,000,000 years old.
I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. Taking a step was like walking on crackers. You get enough of that in your system, forget it. They showed us a movie about it. David Niven was brilliant. Well, I'll see ya. Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.
Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so I dosed it up for you. Real good. No charge.
Oh, no! [he rushes from the garage]
[comes home with the groceries] ALF, ALF, are you okay?
ALF
Oh, hi, Willie. Did you get the donuts?
ALF
Nothing much. Watched a little TV. Killed a bug.
ALF
Cheap cologne.
That's perfume. I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.
ALF
You had roach problems then, too?
How did you know to use this?
ALF
Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients and based on what I know about the physiology of Melmacian cockroaches.
ALF
I lucked out.
I can't believe you took this roach on all by yourself. You could have been killed.
ALF
When it comes to defending my home, I'm an animal. That's just the way I'm made.
Well, I want to, uh, I want to drag this outside before Kate gets back.
ALF
No, don't rough it up. Once they dry out, they get brittle.
What difference does that make?
ALF
Are you kidding? I plan to have that guy stuffed and mounted, A.S.A.P. I thought it would look good over the fireplace.
We're getting rid of it! [the telephone rings] Hello? Oh, hi Kate, I was about to call you. I've got some good news about the roach and some bad news about your birthday present.
Willie, big news, the Alfer's won a contest.
Yeah, oh, let's see. You won a copy of Cat Lovers Monthly?
ALF
Yeah, kinda a let down, no recipes.
ALF
I entered that publisher's sweepstakes thing. I licked all those magazine stamps, and stuck them on my entry.
You sent in all those stamps?
ALF
Well, all except redbook. It's still stuck to the roof of my mouth.
Just how many magazines did you win?
ALF
Check the front porch. [Willie opens the door] Oops.
ALF! You didn't win a contest, you subscribed to hundreds of magazines!
ALF
Oh, well, that explains this personal thank-you note from Ed McMahon.
Well here's your cappuccino.
ALF
Where's the grated cheese?
ALF
[while seeing Willie and Kate come home with groceries] Willie, Kate, I have something to tell you. This time the old ALFers really want something.
What now? 11 records for a penny?
ALF
No, this time the ALFer's one stuff for everybody. Pony rides for Bryan. Tennis lessons for Lynn. Dinner and dancing for you two and best of all for the old ALFer a toaster. I guess you didn't hear me. A TOASTER!
ALF
Did I mention that the toaster talks.
Oh, ALF, this is just a real estate promotion a free toaster for listening to a sales pitch about to vacation homes.
There may be a pony ride, but there's also a 7-hour car ride to get to this place. I'm not driving 7 hours. Sorry, ALF.
[the doorbell rings]
ALF
They lied to a child?
[the Tanners arrive at their hotel room]
Willie, this place is really nice. I'm kind of surprised.
Me, too. The hotel is great. I keep looking for the catch.
BBill
[comes in the room] Hello, you must be the Tanners, I'm Bill Lowman, sales manager for Rancho Estates.
BBill
No, no, Mr. Tanner. You were expecting the hard sell. And there is no need to worry about that.
BBill
Because after you see this slideshow, you will be begging me to sell you a home. [opens the cabinet and plays the video on TV]
Would it be okay if we look at this later?
BBill
Oh, absolutely. No problem. You know you folks should first enjoy some tennis some swimming and some fishing. And if you need me, I'll be following you in a golf cart. [he leaves]
You know, we expected a sales pitch. That's no reason why we still can't enjoy ourselves. [opens the door and gets shocked when he sees ALF] ALF!
ALF
Buenos dias!
[the Tanner family gets very shocked of seeing ALF being in the trip]
ALF
Let's clear this off. Are you or are you not happy to see me?
ALF
Are those chocolates?
ALF
I stood away, in Kate's suitcase.
Oh, no. Now, I'll have my hair all over your clothes.
ALF
Take it easy, your clothes are hair free and hanging neatly in the closet back home.
What am I suppose to wear here?
ALF
Well, I love what you've got on now. Perfect for every occasion.
ALF, we trusted you to stay out of trouble.
ALF
I trusted you to get my toaster but I don't see it anywhere let alone hear it but the fact is I felt neglected. I'm a member of this family too you know. I just wanted to be with the people I love. And get that toaster.
[knocking on the door] Hey Tanner, guess what! We have adjoining rooms! Open up!
ALF
Can't we shake this guy?
Brian, quick, you better hide ALF in the bedroom.
ALF
Alright, but don't start that slideshow without me.
[answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's ALF.
Would you tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me?
Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here if you want to talk to him. He says that's gonna be a problem.
ALF
[on the phone at the Ochmoneks] Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! What have I done?
I don't know, ALF. What have you done?
ALF
Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?
GGriswald
[on megaphone] The house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
ALF
Please hold. Uh, no dice! I'm armed, I'm dangerous and I'm off my medication.
Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!
ALF
As you may have gathered, Willie. I'm in big trouble.
You're always in trouble.
ALF
Yeah, but even on the ALF scale this one's a humdinger. I need help.
ALF
Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's and scared him away. Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. Oh, the irony of it all.
Well, can't you make a run for it?
ALF
I take it you didn't see the end of Butch Cassidy either.
ALF
But you've got to do something, ALF. They might storm the house.
ALF
I've got hostages in here! Think that'll hold them? Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?
No nuns. None. [I'm coming over.
ALF
Okay, but hurry! I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period if you catch my drift.
[hangs up the phone] ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.
No! You're staying here. It's too dangerous.
Yeah, you might lose your cool when the bullets start flyin'.
Bullets? There'll be bullets?
Jake, that is ridiculous. Willie, be careful.
Oh, uh, I will. By the way, how did Butch Cassidy end?
They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.
Yeah, it was really cool.
[on the phone] Hello, Hairy.
ALF
Hi, too much rouge?
ALF
Fine, I've met a lot of nice new people who wanna kill me.
ALF
Oh, I'm glad you're taking it so well.
Uh, I-I really can't talk right now. We have, company.
ALF
Oh, you invited people over! Hey, hey, I wouldn't want you to stop living because I might.
We didn't invite them. They just dropped by.
Well, excuse us for being under siege.
Um. Uh, Willie hasn't forgotten about you. I'm sure we'll be seeing you soon. Okay, Hairy?
ALF
Do I have the right number?
Yes. Goodbye. [hangs up] Do I use too much rouge?
[ALF is showing Brian how to play Skleenball]
ALF
The game of Skleenball is very simple, Brian. You just sling your anchovies into your opponent's laundry basket. Aw, missed!
Do we get to eat the anchovies after the game?
ALF
No! Does Marvin Haggler eat his trunks after a fight?
[comes in] Okay, who dumped my clean laundry on the floor?
ALF
Brian.
Well, ALF told me to and then we can play skleenball.
ALF
It's not nice to rat on your friends.
ALF A picture's worth a thousand words.
[the picture frame falls down]
That picture was worth a thousand dollars.
ALF
Well, maybe the frame makes it look cheap.
[picks up the ripped picture frame] I am tired of your breaking things. If this happens once more, you will be living in the garage.
ALF
From now on, I'll treat this house as if it were my own.
Treat it as if it were my house, and don't break anything! [goes inside the kitchen with the ripped picture frame] Cheap frame! [feels the ripped piece from the picture frame] I guess it can be repaired.
ALF
[voiceover] Heads up! [he rips another piece on the picture frame and Kate looks at ALF] Oops.
[Willie and Kate come to the garage and find out that ALF took most of the furniture from the house as Willie turns off the radio that ALF is listening to]
ALF
Oh, hi. Oh a housewarming gift, how nice. [he takes the pillow but Willie takes it away from him]
Who told you could bring this furniture out here?
ALF
Willie.
ALF
You said I could bring something from the house.
I said something. Not everything! In all fairness, you did not make that point clear.
ALF
Well, I didn't take that hideous Statue of Liberty clock.
That clock was a gift from my mother.
ALF
Did I say hideous? I meant lovely. As lovely as your mother. [microwave dings] That must be the microwave. Brisket anyone?
FORGET THE BRISKET! ALF, I want you to take everything back into the house tonight. And I emphasize the word everything!
And I emphasize the word TONIGHT!
And if you don't, you will be living out here permanently!
ALF
I noticed you emphasized the word permanently. Wait, don't go! Please can we sit down and talk this out just give me 1 minute.
Alright, fine. Yes, you have 1 minute.
ALF
Thank you. Hey Willie, don't sit there, that's my chair.
That was my chair on the house.
ALF
Well, we're not in the house.
ALF
Well that's not fair! Willie talk to penalize him.
ALF
What are you mission control?
ALF
30 seconds, I just had a minute half a minute ago.
Forget the minute! Just say what you have to say!
ALF
Uh, uh. No! No! I need human companionship! I don't know how I ever got along without it, but now I'm hooked. I'm a people junkie. Please don't go.
Oh, you go ahead Kate. I'll sit on here with him for a while.
Willie, what are you doing?
It seems like he really misses us.
ALF
I do, I do, I do.
Willie, he's got our furniture, and our brisket now he's after us!
Oh, you're right, of course. You're right. You're staying in the garage without us, and without our brisket!
ALF
Kate, wait please! Give me another chance I know I could change just let me move back inside for 1 week and I'll prove it to you. I'll be on my best behavior!
What if during this week you don't change?
ALF
Then, Willie and I will move out here for good.
Alright you've got a deal.
Kate! I don't want to move out here.
Oh, I did mean that was part of- The deal is you stay in the house for 1 week, but if you mess up, you're history.
ALF
Hey, no problem! [the flower vase breaks] The week hasn't started yet, right?
[comes in the kitchen] Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.
It's probably clogged with ALF's hair again. He refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.
No, it's the faucet. There's no water coming out.
There's no water here either.
ALF
[outside] Hey, could you turn that off? I'm losing pressure out here.
Say, what exactly are you doing out there?
ALF
It's a surprise.
ALF
Watch out Willie, it's a little slippery.
[from outside] Whoa! [falls into the lagoon]
ALF
Surprise! Well, what do you think?
ALF
Willie's swimming in the lagoon I built. It's just like the one on Gilligan's Island. From now on, life around here will be much more exciting. [Willie screams] See, it's exciting already.
How would you like to be buried at sea?
ALF
You're not happy about this, are you?
Just tell us why you did it.
ALF
It was Willie's idea.
ALF
Don't try to worm your way out of this one. You said we'd build a lagoon.
I said we'd build a little lagoon, not the Great Tanner Reef!
ALF
Okay, I misunderstood. I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.
A boo-boo? [pause] I want my yard back the way it was. I want trees I can trim. I want grass I can mow. [angrily] NO WATER, NO HUT! AND YOU ARE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE UNTIL I GET IT! Have I made myself clear?
ALF
What? Are you talking to me?
ALF
[wakes up and discovers he's on Gilligan's Island] I must have slept through the night. Hey, where's my shovel? Where's my house?
Skipper, Skipper, can I fish too?
ALF
It's Gilligan, the Skipper, too.
Shhhh! Gilligan, you scare the fish. Owww!
Shhhh! You scare the fish.
ALF
I'm here on Gilligan's isle!
ALF
Gilligan's Island. I'm in rerun heaven.
[hat flies off] Gilligan!
Skipper, what happened to your hat?
You're using it for bait.
[ALF gasps]
I'll get it back to you, Skipper, don't worry. [puts on Skipper's hat for him and water comes out]
ALF
[laughs] You guys are hilarious. Encore, encore, ya!
ALF
I'm ALF, your biggest fan. I worship the sand you walk on. [walks off]
ALF
Melmac.
Melmac, is that anywhere near Bora Bora?
ALF
Ha! You guys never stop. Hey, where are the others?
ALF
You know.
Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?
Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?
I just said that, Gilligan.
I thought it sounded familiar. [hat thump]
ALF
[laughs] Oh I never get tired of that. [laughs]
[arrives] Gilligan! Skipper! Oh, lunch is ready. I see we have another visitor.
ALF
It's Mary Ann. And lunch. 2 of my favorite things.
Mary Ann this is ALF. He's from Melmac.
How come everybody can get to this island and none of us can ever get off?
Really? I must have overlooked the pattern. [gets hit by Skipper's hat]
[ALF laughs]
ALF
Lunch with the castaways! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
ALF · 397 quotes
