[Dorothy turns on the light and comes in the kitchen as ALF gets ready to meet with her]
ALFHi, Grandma!
ALF
Have a seat.
Who are you? What are you?
ALF
A little background: My name is ALF. I come from the planet Melmac. I'm a member of a civilization millions of years ahead of your own. And now I live in a laundry basket next to the washing machine. Cup of java?
I know, I know. You're something Willie made. He's always making crazy things in the garage.
ALF
Take my word of it. I'm a space being, and since you've been here, I've had to live in the garage. Let me ask you something. Why are you so hard to get along with? Kate's easygoing. Is she adopted or something? Anyway, my advice would be, lighten up on her. Be nice. Oh yeah, another thing. STOP POKING ME! We'll talk again. When you're a little less touchy-feely. [snaps jaws as Dorothy leaves the kitchen]
[ALF is pounding nails on the sign in the door]
Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?
ALF
To keep the sign from falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?
ALF
Thanks for offering, but the job's already done. [Willie takes the hammer away from ALF]
[she and Brian come to the living room] Morning. Morning, dad.
ALF
Have you practiced the poem?
ALF
But nothing. Let's hear it.
LBLynn and Brian
Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
ALF
Maybe another "goodbye" in there.
[comes out of the kitchen with a so long bag] What's this stuff in this bag?
ALF
I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities. I emphasize the word "travel."
[looks inside the bag] Magazines, Kleenex, breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.
ALF
If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.
How very thoughtful of you.
ALF
And, of course, the bag will come in handy in case of turbulence. Or if they show Howard the duck.
[walks up to the Tanners] Guess what! I'm not leaving.
ALF
Why not?
ALF, don't be rude. [pause] Why not, Dorothy?
I could just kill Estelle. She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, I hate doing this. But, well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.
ALF
You know, there's a nice motel down the street. [Dorothy and the Tanners stare at him] Just a thought.
[ALF puts a clothes pin on himself and screams]
[comes in] ALF, are you alright?
ALF
Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
Why? Why do you have those clothespins attached to your head?
ALF
It's a form of acupressure. On Melmac, we use it to relieve writer's block.
Still having trouble with the script thing?
ALF
Huh. Read it yourself.
[reads the script] Scene 1, interior, living root. Interior, living root.
ALF
It's a typo. I mean, give me a break. I've only got 8 fingers.
I'm sorry. Monica enters. She says, good morning. Well, what's wrong with that?
ALF
Willie, there's no one else in the room with her. I've got the woman talking to chairs. I'll never have this finished by tomorrow.
Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF.
ALF
Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF. Relax? Sure, relax. I've got a deadline. I mean, I promised to put likability and warmth into these characters.
You know, I had a case of writer's block once. I was writing a term paper for my art history class. Or was it my comparative religion class?
ALF
What! Are you dictating your autobiography?
ALF
Go back in the house.
I can't go back in the house. There are two women in there. Who aren't speaking to each other, or to me, or to you. In fact, ALF, you've written us into this mess. Now you've got to write us out.
ALF
Alright. Alright. I will. Put on another pot of coffee. [as Willie leaves the garage, he puts another clothes pin on himself and screams again] And get some more clothespins.
[ALF is sitting on the sofa while Willie and Kate bring a box to the living room]
Watch out for that table.
I don't know how your mother's gonna get all this stuff in that little, little apartment.
Well, you've never seen the inside of her handbag.
ALF
Heavy?
Yes. But no heavier than other boxes you've watched us carry.
ALF
Would you mind licking this stamp?
Can't you lick that yourself?
ALF
Not with chocolate on my tongue.
Where did you get the chocolate?
ALF
It's the funniest thing. I found a whole box in the back of your closet.
I was going to give that to Kate for Valentine's Day.
Oh, Willie, that's sweet.
ALF
Whining is not going to bring it back!
Willie, it's, it's alright. Maybe he, uh, [opens box] he did! He forgot the second layer.
ALF
Right! I only licked those! [pause] Great. Now nobody can eat them.
ALF
If anybody wants me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.
We don't have a whirling hot tub.
ALF
I know, I'm gonna improvise.
ALF
Any mail for me?
Yeah. All of it. [pause] But ALF, I don't want you joining anymore record clubs.
ALF
Fine, fine, fine. Oh hey, before I forget, I need you to write out a couple of checks: One to Greenpeace and one to the auto club.
You're a member of the auto club?
ALF
I like the magazine.
Well, I'm not writing anymore checks.
ALF
Well, fine, my checks just came. Oh darn, I ordered sunrise. They sent me sunset.
ALF
Fine. I wish these insurance companies would leave me alone. I'm already fully covered through the auto club. [leaves]
I just know he's gonna get hair in the drain.
He was wearing a shower cap.
Why was he carrying my mixer into the bathroom?
He said something about a whirling hot tub.
ALF
[gets hurt offscreen] Whoa!
ALF! [she and Lynn get up] Oh my gosh. [finds ALF walking to the living room] ALF? Are you alright?
ALF
ALF? There must be some mistake. I'm Wayne Shagele, Michigan Life and Company. [nods his head]
ALF is an insurance agent.
No! Dad, ALF took a bad fall in the hot tub and we think he lost his memory.
Oh no! But we don't have a hot tub.
ALF
Well, that's a good thing Willie, we don't cover hot tubs. It is Willie, isn't it?
ALF
We don't cover hot tubs.
I can't believe that you called the police!
ALF
What goes around, comes around.
What are we gonna do when the police come here?
ALF
Well, why don't you tell them that they're aliens, and then take their clothes?
Look, who took whose clothes? You don't know the mistake you just made!
ALF
Yeah? Well, you're the one who's making a mistake, tangling with a man from Michigan-
TThe Tanners
Life and Casualty.
ALF
Now the cops are gonna lock you up, and you'll get a taste what it's like to be a prisoner.
I already know what's like, thanks to you.
ALF
[after he returns back to normal] The last thing I remember, was this big flash of light. I smiled because I thought someone was taking my picture. And that's about it. Oh and that Chung Insurance is cheaper than whole life.
Well, it's a start. [the door knocks] Oh my gosh! It's the police!
ALF
Now what did you guys do? I swear, if it's not 1 thing with this family it's another. Hey, what am I doing in this cheap polyester suit?
Come on, ALF. You'd better go.
ALF
Fine if you all need me I'll be in the whirling hot tub. [leaves]
ALF
Just a second. Easy shot! Ha! That's exactly why the martians are extinct.
ALF
Space Invaders.
What do they do? Crash in your garage, eat all your food, dig up your yard?
ALF
You're in a mood!
Yes, I am! Because I found my good hoe, in this condition! [holds up a pole with a bit of mangled scrap iron on one end]
ALF
Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was plowing up my garden and I hit a water main. Don't worry, it wasn't yours.
So, you're giving up gardening?
ALF
Not giving it up. Just switching crops.
ALF
Earthworms. [Willie leaves] Hey, I think I know that guy!
ALF
Just try it again. This time I'll get it.
Okay, tell me what I'm thinking.
ALF
Okay. You're thinking of the 1927 Yankees.
I'm still thinking of a fork.
ALF
But didn't one of their pitchers throw a fork ball?
ALF
Well trust me, he did.
ALF
Hello.
Oh, we're okay. Don't get up.
ALF
I wasn't going to.
Guess what, Alf can read our minds.
He's not reading mine at the moment.
ALF
Yes, I am. I'm just ignoring you.
How to develop your psychic awareness in one afternoon.
ALF
Yeah. Came with a pair of these x-ray glasses.
You wasted good money on a mind reading kit?
ALF
We'll make it all back with our stock market picks.
ALF. You come from an advanced civilisation. How can you be so gullible?
ALF
You're right. I'm ashamed. Nice underwear Kate.
ALF
Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?
ALF
Thanks! [exits the living room]
He might! [Kate screams from the shower] He did.
ALF
[reappears in the living room] Found her!
ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.
ALF
I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.
I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.
ALF
Alright, alright. We're movin' on. I need to have a family meeting here. [hangs up the phone that Lynn is using]
ALF
They'll call back.
[angrily] You do that again, you're a seat cover!
ALF
Do what again?
ALF, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.
ALF
You're right. I'm sorry. You look a little different today.
ALF
Did you used to have a moustache?
ALF
Yeah but didn't you used to have a moustache too?
ALF, what do have to say that's so important?
ALF
Today is March the 1st.
You better not be finished.
ALF
I wasn't. Tomorrow is the 2nd.
ALF
Hey wait, wait. Come here. Come back here. Every 75 years on March 2nd, I go through a complex physiological and psychological transformation.
ALF
I go goofy. All Melmacians go through it. From sunrise to sunset my personality will change dramatically.
How dramatic is this change?
ALF
One never knows till it happens. But expect the unexpected. Wildly erratic behavior, personality shifts. The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat. Any questions?
ALF
You in the tie.
ALF
Oh, ah, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.
[the Tanners prepared a cage for ALF]
ALF
Well, I guess it's that time.
ALF
Thanks Brian. Now remember Willie, you are not, I repeat not to let me out of here under any circumstances. Is that clear?
ALF
Good. [he enters the cage] Good, now let me out. I have to use the little aliens room.
ALF
What are you doing!? Are you crazy? Didn't I say not to open this door under any circumstances?
Well I thought, I thought you really had to go.
ALF
You have a lunatic on your hands here. You got to be prepared for all kinds of diabolical tricks.
ALF
You know, maybe I should go, just to be on the safe side.
ALF
Good. You're finally catching on. Now, now let me out I have to go.
[ALF howls]
That's just another one of his tricks.
ALF
Help! Help! Fire! Somebody let me out.
ALF
Ohh, there's a big rat in here.
ALF
[in Lynn's voice] Mom, Dad, get me out of here.
Lynn, that sounded just like you.
Excuse me but this is really weird. I can't watch.
ALF
[in Brian's voice] Wait for me. Wait for me.
Oh Brian, you better go to your room too. This could get out of hand.
ALF
[in Willie's voice] This could get out of hand! This could get out of hand!
It's going to be a long night.
[Brian gets up in the middle of the night while ALF is inside a cage]
ALF
Yo, B, Brian. Where are you going?
ALF
Oh yeah, that would sure hit the spot. Hey, come here.
I'm not supposed to talk to you.
ALF
Not talk to your old buddy? You don't have to be afraid. It's over. I'm back to my old self. Come on, let me out.
You said not until sunrise.
ALF
Brian, it's me. The old Alfer. The guy who taught you how to read minds. In fact, I know what you're thinking right now.
ALF
That you want to let your old pal out of this cage. Right?
No. I was thinking of a fork. [ALF imitates a clock buzzer] What's that?
ALF
Oh it's my alarm. It's sunrise. You can let me out now.
ALF
Not on Melmac. See that's the time we go by. So I made it. Open up.
ALF
I'm sure. I'm sure. Open up. I'm hungry.
ALF
Phew. Thanks. Oh hey, would you check in that cage. I left my hash brown bucket in there. [Brian enters the cage and he locks him inside and laughs]
ALF, why are you locking me in this cage.
ALF
Sorry kid, I need a head start. Save me some hash browns. Here kitty, kitty, kitty.
[as there is a knock on the door, Trevor goes downstairs to wake up Raquel]
Hey, Raquel! [Raquel snores] Raquel!
Oh, oh, was I snoring again?
I'm coming, I'm coming. Keep your shorts on.
Who could that be at this time of night?
It's probably the airport asking you to keep it down. Alright, alright, alright. Hey, Tanner.
[comes in Trevor and Raquel's house] Trevor. Hi Raquel.
I'm sorry to bother you this late at night but, I just came over. I was hoping I could get Lucky. I mean Lucky, our cat.
Oh. At this time of night?
Well, we were worried about him. It's his first night away from home.
Yeah, I had a feeling. Raquel, get the cat.
I can't go near that cat. You know it makes my feet swell.
Oh, yeah. Then you'll be wearing my shoes again. I'll get the cat. [walks away]
That's all right. Willie, can I get you something? I just bought one of those international coffees.
Something without caffeine?
No, no. No I don't need anything from the kitchen.
I can't find the little fella anywhere. [noises from the kitchen] Hey, what's going on in the kitchen? [he and Raquel head to the kitchen]
ALF
How long do you preheat these for a cat?
Give me that! [ALF laughs but he leaves as he gives the toaster oven to Willie who laughs at it]
This toaster oven. Is it a toaster, or is it an oven? [laughs]
Haven't you ever felt the need to just hold something?
I just found the strangest thing. An open can of minestrone in the kitchen.
Oh, that was probably the cat.
It's amazing, I know. We're trying to get him on Letterman.
That better not be my cologne.
ALF
Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
ALF
I want that cat.
ALF
Alright. Who needs him? There are a million cats out there! Give me your car keys.
ALF, we're going to go home, right now!
ALF
No! [laughs]
I'll buy you another one.
You got that right. [lawn mower starting] Raquel, that sounds like your riding mower.
Hey, where are you going with my toaster oven?
ALF · 397 quotes
