Christine quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.

But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)

What was that?

The producer. They just told him.

I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?

The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.

Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?

That half.

You know, Jeff, you really shouldn't let Ross bully you so much.

Yeah, but I have to respect him. You know what they say, blood is thicker than water.

You-- (She gets hit with water) Wait a second! Wait a second, that is not fair! He said "water", not me! (She gets hit with water again)

Christine, I know it seems unfair, but if get this kid wet, his mother will kill me.

Will she? (She tries to flick some of the water on Jeff)

Hey, Christine?

Yeah?

We really shouldn't make fun of Lisa just because she got voted bottom of her class.

Did she really? That surprises me because Lisa's always been smart in school.

Oh, no, no, no. They weren't judging grades, they were judging body shape.

Oh, like "bottom of the class"!

I wouldn't laugh if I were you. You were voted most likely to exceed.

"Exceed"? Lisa, the word is "succeed".

No. Exceed 200 pounds.

Hey, Adam?

Yes, Christine?

Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?

Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...

No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...

Are you finished?!!

Hey, Lisa?

What?!

Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.

...Yeah, I know.

You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?

But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?

LISA!!!

Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

[introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!

CUT IT OFF!

[walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!

Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]

Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?

[laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.

(with his weather machine) Christine! I finally figured out how to stop the snow!

Well would you hurry up?! My arms are getting tired!

All right! You turn the dial to heat wave. There! (The blizzard stops.)

Oh it worked! Oh but Alasdair, there's only one problem. Where does all the snow go when it melts?

It turns into water!

Well, at least you didn't get green slimed.

You know, sometimes I don't know which is worse.

Well, now you know.

Lisa, I can't believe how hot it is today.

Christine, it has got to be at least a hundred degrees.

You know, with my frail health, I can die in this weather.

There has got to be a way to cool off.

(thinking) There is! Come here. (whispers to Lisa)

Good idea! okay.

Water! (nothing happens) Water? WATER!!

Oh. Ross, what is going on here?

It is this heat Christine. We have to conserve water. Which is more important, a cheap gag or conserving one of our most natural resources?

I don't know, I guess you're right.

Well apparently, there's no slime shortage. But you've got problems Lisa. There's no water in the showers.

Ross, this is a pool for a little child.

This is a program for a little child.

Ross, we can't go swimming in this pool. There's no...liquid in it.

Oh. Well...then nobody's going to drown.

Hi, and welcome to today's episode of You Can't Do That on Television, about a subject that's heartwarming, soul-stirring, and guaranteed to set your pulse racing.

Oh, it's about the latest fashions, nice!

No, Lisa, it's about romance and dating.

Oh, no, it's going to be mushy, isn't it?

Christine, romance makes the world go round.

Yeah, so does centrifugal force.

Justin! You ate all the pancakes!

I was hungry. Next time don't get up so late.

"Next" time? What about this time?! I was all set to come in here and pour the syrup over a big stack of hot pancakes!

Well, find something else to pour your syrup over.

[Laughing] All right, I will.

Justin, is that what they call "Sweet Revenge"?

[Tasting the syrup] Guess so.

Christine, I could wring your stupid neck.

What are you girls fighting about, anyway?

You'll never guess what she did at lunch yesterday.

She took her milk [pours a milk carton down Alasdair's shirt] and poured it down my shirt like this.

Oh, big deal! You know what she did? She took her Jell-O and [takes a handful of Jell-O and stuffs it in Alasdair's shirt pocket] first she put in my pocket [squishes the pocket] like that, and then she took some more and [takes another handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt] smooshed in on my shirt like that, and then she smooshed it [takes a thid handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt collar] on my neck!

Well, I was just trying to get even! [grabs a bottle of ketchup] Then you took your ketchup [squirts it on Alasdair's shirt] and squirted it all over me like this!

Lisa... THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON [tears a sleeve off Alasdair's shirt] TO RIP THE SLEEVE OFF MY SHIRT!

Now, girls, this is pointless. You have been friends much, much too long to fight. Now, truce?

Come on, now make up. Truce? There.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, too. It was my fault.

I can't believe Majorie! She copied all her answers off me!

No!

Yes. But I got even with her. I wrote all the wrong answers down.

Yesterday, I put a frog in Alasdair's bed.

So?

This morning he put a toad in mine and I put a lizard in his.

So?

So take a look at what he did to get even!

Oh, Lisa?

Yes, Moosie?

How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?

I guess I learned by watching other actors.

That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do."

[enthusiastically, with a big smile on her face] "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about, because I..." excuse me, could we make a small line change here?

No, no, Christine, it's gotta be done exactly as it's written.

No - it's just that...

No, no, no, no - look, you wanna be in the movies?

Yes, of course I do.

Then READ THE LINES!

[with much less enthusiasm] "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about... because I don't know."