A character in You Can't Do That on Television
CUE!
I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...
[Christine is slimed]
...is about.
[Laughing] It's about Priorities!
Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my highest priority in life is, never again to say "I don't know".
[Christine is slimed again]
[voiceover, over the show's logo] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Unfriendly production.
[voiceover] You can say that again.
[voiceover] You Can't Do That On Television---
[voiceover] Oh, shut up!
You know, Christine, I was thinking...
That's odd.
Christine, say you're hobby is swimming. Well, what kind of substance would you be moving through?
Oh no you don't!
[Christine gets hit with water anyway.]
Oh, come on! That's not fair! I didn't even say that substance at all!
Yes, you did, Moosie. You see, we have a new stagehand, and he's French, and "eau" is the French word for wa--
[Lisa gets hit with water.]
Hey, Christine, we've been talking an awful lot about hobbies. You collect anything?
Oh, yeah, sure, Ross. I collect stamps. Say, do you want to see my stamp collection?
See your stamp collection? Sure.
[Christine stamps on Ross' foot.]
That's the stamp that Lisa gave me when I told her she had a really big mouth. [She stamps on Ross' foot again.] And that's the stamp Vanessa gave me when I told her there would be no extreme close-ups of her on this week's show...
[This bit aired in the original broadcast, but was edited out of later broadcasts.]
Karen, what do you look for in a guy?
What?
Well, what do you think is the most important part of a guy? Is it his hair, or his hair, or his muscles, or--
Oh, no, it's none of those things, it's what he keeps in his pants.
KAREN!
Yeah, his wallet.
Christine, I just came back from the doctor's and he tells me I have the body of a 17-year-old.
Well, give it back, Ross. You're getting it all wrinkled.
Oh Eugene, look! They put up the name of the foster child the school adopted.
Oh yeah, he's from the Philippines.
Yeah. Do they ever have weird names there. Look at this... "AI DO KNO".
Don't you know anything about the Philippines? The A is silent, The O is pronounced O and the K is silent. His name is "I don't know".
[Eugene is slimed]
You're new on this show, aren't you Eugene?
Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...
Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...
...Please touch the green square now!
Oh please, oh please, oh...
[The audience "votes" for Lisa to lose her voice. Lisa immediately shuts up.]
Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!
[Lisa holds up a sign that says, "I'LL GET YOU MOOSE!"]
[Lisa is still unable to talk and can only communicate through writing notes; reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!
[The vote fails. Lisa writes Christine another note.]
[Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.
[Eugene Contreras walks over and sits down]
Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.
[The vote fails again.]
Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?
[Vanessa Lindores walks over and sits down]
And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...
[Christine is drenched.]
...green square on your screen!
[This time the vote passes. Vanessa is hit with water, and Lisa laughs out loud.]
Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!
[Eugene gets a pie in the face.]
And now it's time for the commercials!
What's your ambition in life?
To grow up big and strong.
Oh, you mean like me?
No!
Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!
Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.
Oh, Lisa?
Yes, Moosie?
Was it always your ambition to become an actress?
Why, yes it was.
What went wrong?
Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!
Why, what were you wearing?
Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...
Oh, well that explains it, then.
Explains what?
Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.
Oh, Christine?
Yes, Lisa?
Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.
I thought so.
What do you mean?
All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!
Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.
It was nothing.
Almost!
[Ross has complained about how consumerism is ruining Christmas.]
Yeah, you know, I know what you mean. I was in this one store and there was a sign: "10 Santas, No Waiting."
I know what you mean, Christine. I was in this store and there was an express Santa for kids that wanted less than five presents.
Oh yeah? Was he busy?
No. Who wants less than five presents?
You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.
Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?
Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.
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You Can't Do That on Television · 355 quotes