Christine quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Here, Christine, want a cookie?

Thank you, Lisa. I guess this means you don't think I'm too fat-- don't answer that. [She takes a bite.] These are really good.

I thought you'd like them. They were dog biscuits left over from the previous sketch.

Christine, I think you're taking a modeling class?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, have they taught you how to walk?

Oh, yeah, they did. First lesson.

Could I see?

Okay. [She does a quick walk.] But why did you want me to see me walk?

Well, I thought since we were on the subject of walking dogs, you could show us how they do it.

(laughs wildly) Watch it, Ruddy.

Did you hear what Brodie's doggy did all over his mom's antique couch?

No, what did Brodie's doggy do?

That's what he did. All over the couch.

Well, that's our show and---

Oh, thank goodness!

Well, that just about wraps it up for another show and---

Oh, thank goodness!

You know, Barthy runs a pretty clean place here.

Clean? You call this place clean? Why, even the rats wouldn't be caught dead here.

Yeah, and if they did, they'd end up in the burger mix, anyway.

Christine, you know that producers' books about etiquette and manners? Well, what does it say about that green slime they're always dumping on us?

Ah, you almost caught me. You almost got me, but I'll look it up in the book.

G, okay. Garbage, gobbledygook, gag-- green slime. Okay. [reads] "I don't know."

You know, they're getting sneaky about this green slime stuff.

[looking at the book of manners] Here's a really strange habit: drooling. Kevin, do you drool?

Well, yeah, all the time.

You drool?

Well, yeah, every time I see a really pretty girl, I drool.

I've never seen you drool.

No, me, neither.

Well, of course not. I said every time I see a pretty girl.

[holding the book up to Kevin's face] Kevin, look closely at that word. [She slams the book in his nose.]

You know, Moose, some for generations, newspaper men have been fighting for freedom of the press, it's one of their inalienable rights. You know, some newspaper men have gone to prison fighting for that very purpose, but I still have one question.

What's that, Lisa?

Well, if journalists want free press, how come I still have to pay 35 cents for a newspaper?

Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Lisa?

Earth.

Right, that's one. Kevin?

Air.

Yeah, that's right, that's two. Christine?

Uh... fire!

Right! And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

Yeah, but I'm not going to.

Well Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

Well, either way I get something dumped on me. [gets a look of resignation on her face] Okay, water.

[laughing] Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

So, Lisa, tell me. Did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?

I sure did, and Moose, the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.

Really? That's nice. What made you think of me?

Well, you know, you and the Grand Canyon are so much alike: Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very, very wide at the bottom.

It was funny!

You know, Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?

Yeah.

Well, you remind me of the Colorado River, that's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.

Oh, you mean I'm lyrical and romantic?

No, you're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever!

I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!

Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?

You've got to be kidding.

Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.

D'oh, I heard that!

You know, I took home economics once.

(sarcastically) YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT!

Thanks a lot, guys.

Lisa, why are you drinking all that water?

Well, remember last year at summer camp?

Do I! The hard beds and those cruel counselors and all the black flies and all the mosquito bites that we got.

Right. So Mom said I can't go if can't stop wetting the bed. So...

I love alphabet soup.

Hey, look, the letters in your soup are coming together.

You're right!

What does it spell?

I...

"I do"? "I don't"?

"I don't know." [Lisa gets slimed]

Oh, Lisa, you don't know how much time it took me to orchestrate those noodles so that they would-- (laughs) It was worth it. Drink some Kool-Aid. You'll feel much better.