Mac Mackenzie quotes from Veronica Mars

Mac

Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the stone age, fifty keg bacchanalia?

Veronica

Sounds like fun, right?

Mac

Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my porn star tube top.

Veronica

Please, Mac.

Mac

...Resistance is futile.

Veronica

Monkey?

Mac

As in "touch my".

Logan

Hey. Uh, Veronica asked me to bring you this.

Mac

Performing a favor from a jail cell? The girl has serious friendship skills.

Mac

Is the eggplant good?

It's okay.

Mac

How about that stuff?

It's good.

Mac

It's probably horrible for you, right? I'll stay with the eggplant. No, wait - what do you think? [pause] I need to see a psychiatrist.

Veronica

I was thinking more an English professor. What we're dealing with her is an absurd level of symbolism. [to server] Two lasagnas.

Okay.

Mac

Symbolism?

Veronica

I mean, the Bronson Parmigiana is good for me, but, ooh! The Maxuccine looks awfully tempting.

Mac

It's not my fault Max won't stop calling. Like you should talk.

Veronica

Me? I'm not ordering good boy while wishing I ordered bad boy.

Mac

No, you gave up bad boy, but keep asking for samples of good boy.

Veronica

No, I - wait, what?

Mac

Okay, if Logan is the fettucine... [cellphone rings]

Veronica

It's the eggplant.

Mac

And his role in this enterprise?

Dick

Consultant. I'm an ass expert.

Logan

Yes, except for the expert part.

Dick

I'm an ass? Who would you ask for advice about lions, a lion or a gerbil? Gerbil, you say? No, you would ask a lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions. So... Okay. I don't see how you hope to launch a website about hot asses without me, but fine. It's Friday night. If I walk long enough in a straight line, I'll hit a party.

Max

[showing Mac how his term-paper website works.] For the dumb, billable links at the top, disguised as functions.

Mac

So they link without realizing.

Max

And I make a dollar. See, the point of the Internet is to make money off of stupid people.

Logan

I like how you think, Max.

Mac

That sound you hear is my idealism quietly shattering.

Max

That other sound you hear is my cynicism laughing at your idealism shattering.

Mac

Well, it won't be laughing when I crash your greedy little evil website.

Max

I'll be laughing when you try.

Mac

Will you? Maybe I'm in your trusted-host table already.

Logan

Should I get a camera? There's gotta be someone out there that'd pay to see this hot nerd-on-nerd action.

Mac

[sighs] I have to, have to, have to go to my morning classes tomorrow. I'm getting lost in the "sex-nap-eat-repeat" loop. I'm in the porn version of Groundhog Day.

Max

"Poundhog Day"?

Mac

Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. Kills more brain cells than crystal meth. How's your cell count these days?

Veronica

Mmmm, I can still do long division, but I can't quite remember all the continents.

Mac

So, Pizneyland is the happiest place on Earth?

Veronica

Happy enough. There's no rollercoaster, but I think I can do without the adrenaline and nausea.

Veronica

I just hope Piz isn't planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It's not like I'm taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It's the FBI. The F. B. I.

Mac

At the very least, Piz should think it's hot.

Veronica

Actually, he does think it's pretty hot. He'd just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune.

Mac

He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger.

Veronica

And if he didn't care, I'd probably be complaining about that...to my girlfriend...while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. I'm a girl!

Veronica

What?

Mac

Miss Mars uses Venus razor.

Veronica

Because if she doesn't, her legs look like Pluto's.

Mac

And she's down-to-earth to boot.

Veronica

I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.

Mac

I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.

Veronica

Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hm.

Mac

Hey, did anyone else hear there's gonna be a Matchbox 20 reunion show?

Piz

So? Rob Thomas is a whore.

Mac

Yeah.

Veronica

Hey, you never told me what happened with your whole man crush thing.

Mac

Wallace has a man crush?

Piz

The man crush isn't me, is it?

Veronica

Some guy following him around campus. Is it Piz?

Piz

So, what's the protocol for a plane christening? I mean, does someone get to, like, smash the, uh, Sea Monkey with a miniature bottle of champagne?

Wallace

The protocol? Pray to whatever god you believe in she flies. Otherwise, my ass is grass.

Veronica

Orville Wright's exact words, if I recall.

Piz

I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd.

Mac

Wait, you have an inner one?

Mac

Let me explain something, Veronica. I own the most powerful personal computer on campus. There is no personal computer faster or better than mine at Hearst. And using this incredible computer of mine, it will take twenty years to crack Jake Kane's password on this hard drive.

Veronica

So how do we do it?

Mac

You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan. You refuse to believe in the no-win scenario.

Veronica

You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references.