Logan Echolls quotes from Veronica Mars

Dick

[upon seeing Veronica] Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like, some new reality show called My Skank.

Logan

Goodbye, Dick.

Dick

What?

Logan

Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica, you leave. Actually, you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me, so just, like, evaporate or something, I dunno. That's pretty much a general invitation. If you don't like my girlfriend, then start heading towards the big rectangle with the knob.

Logan

Hey, I have to tell you something.

Veronica

I'm sorry, we're past the confessional portion of this program. We're on to the make out.

Lamb

[tapping finger on table] You said you were in Mexico the day of Lilly's murder. Why?

Logan

How many episodes of NYPD Blue did you have to watch to get that finger tapping down?

Lamb

I asked you a question.

Logan

And I ignored it and moved on. Keep up. [snapping fingers]

Logan

So I guess we broke up, huh?

Veronica

What do you want me to say, Logan?

Logan

"Logan, I'm gonna go home and put my head in the oven because I can't go on living knowing what a heartless bitch I am!" Something like that.

Veronica

So you're saying you want me dead?

Logan

Yes.

Veronica

One word from me and Backup goes for your throat.

Logan

[scoffs] Is that what you'd do, boy? You'd tear out my throat? [kneels down to dog] Who's a man killer, huh? [Backup kisses Logan] Who's a man killer?

Logan

Hey, Veronica Mars. Do you know what your little joke cost me?

Veronica

Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.

Logan

[smashes a headlight] Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?

Veronica

Clearly your sense of humor.

Logan

[smashes other headlight] Nope. And you're usually so good at pop quizzes. No, the correct answer is: my car. That's right, my Daddy took my T-bird away. And you know what I won't be having? Fun, fun, fun.

Veronica

[making out with Logan] My dad is probably watching us through a telescope.

Logan

He's probably impressed with your virtue.

Veronica

[laughs] And the telescope is mounted on a rifle.

Logan

[Pauses, then looks up to where Keith is supposedly watching, with rifle, and holds up his hand, fingers spread] Five more minutes. [Veronica giggles] He should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just looking to get laid.

Veronica

Wait, what are you saying? You aren't pretty?

Logan

What I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you.

Veronica

The things guys'll say to get past second base.

Logan

Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth period English.

Kendall Casablancas

Ugh, you need to not remind me you're in high school. There's an 'ick' factor.

Logan

Is that so?

Kendall

Yeah. School in general? Not very hot. Unless I'm wearing a naughty school girl uniform. Then it's very hot.

Logan

I'm sure it would be, for the ten seconds you had it on.

When I'm working, my family doesn't exist. Sound awful?

Logan

Mmm, no.

It's not. 'Cause when I'm with my family, work doesn't exist.

Logan

Yeah, I think my dad has a similar philosophy. Of course, he's a murderer, so...

Careful, Logan. You're exposing your soft underbelly.

Logan

My underbelly is rock hard. It can go all night.

Dick

Dude. My stepmom?

Logan

I am a total piece of crap.

Dick

Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I've never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly there bikini of hers.

Logan

Great. So...no hard feelings?

Dick

No, she gave me a few.

Sheriff would like to have a word with you.

Logan

And I'd like to be the cream filling of an Olsen twins sandwich, but...

Will you come with me, please?

Logan

If I'm under arrest, then do me the courtesy of making it all official like. [Sacks cuffs Logan.] Now that's more like it.

You're under arrest for the murder of Felix Toombs.

Logan

Ooh, I am having the weirdest déjà vu.

Number four, step forward.

Logan

Oh wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent and my publicist for always shooting me from the left side.

Logan

So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you? Getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?

Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Cliff, I'll be your 'if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney' attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?

Logan

Um...my innocence?

No. I mean with this 'poor little rich boy' stunt. Having me represent you doesn't make you look innocent. It makes you look like an arrogant jackass. If the witness' story holds, you are going to trial.

Logan

Hmm. The guy's lying.

June 27th: you gave testimony saying that you couldn't remember a thing. Now, he comes forward saying he saw you, bloody knife in hand, ranting like a maniac over a dead body.

Logan

And what exactly did I say, huh?

"The [expletive] [racial expletive] had it [maternal expletive] coming."

Logan

Seriously, though. I was reading 'The Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide,' and we should come up with, like, some kind of codeword for when you guys are feeling frisky and don't want to be disturbed.

Veronica

Like "scram"?

Logan

I was thinking..."awkward." But scram is good. Or "amscray." [Opens the door to see Kendall] You're not my grilled cheese.

Kendall

No. [Notices Veronica and Duncan sitting on the couch] iPod girl. With the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.

Veronica

Like this big. [gestures with her thumb and finger]

Logan

My codeword will be..."endurance."

[kisses Veronica's neck] Weren't we doing something?

Veronica

We were making out on the couch and then that happened. [points to the room Logan and Kendall just entered]

Logan

Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.

Veronica

Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.

Logan

Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.

Veronica

Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.

Logan

Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.