Logan Echolls quotes from Veronica Mars

Logan

Any news on Nip/Schmuck?

Veronica

It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.

Logan

Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.

Veronica

And I'm working on the connections, okay?

Logan

If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.

Veronica

If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.

Logan

Help me, Mars-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Kendall

Hi, baby. What took you so long? [she kisses Logan]

Logan

Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, [wipes lips] I'd have raced home.

Kendall

I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share or... take turns or something.

Logan

Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin.

Kendall

No, I'm talking about Dick's Maserati.

Trina

Wait a minute. Are you like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he - 13?

Kendall

Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about?

Logan

Oh, yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode Hard, meet Put Away Wet.

Trina

Hmm. I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be.

Kendall

Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks?

Trina

There is. I don't think you'd like it. It's 21 and over. We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese though, if you're free. Okay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp, he's got school tomorrow. [squeezes Logan's cheeks] Night, all. [exits]

Logan

Well, the joke's on her - she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line.

You always ask to go to the bathroom during this period.

Logan

I know. It's that 12-pack I slam at lunch. It goes right through me.

Logan

I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off. I hear that can leave some chafing.

Weevil

You made the wrong play, dawg. I shouldn't let you live for what you pulled.

Logan

What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap. You blasted a shotgun through my car with me inside.

Weevil

That wasn't me.

Logan

You torched my house. Then your masked bandidos played Russian Roulette with my hand. Okay, my math says that you still owe me.

Weevil

I thought you killed Felix.

Logan

Well, I didn't.

Weevil

Yeah, I pretty much know that now.

Logan

Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology?

Weevil

We have something in common now. We both need to find out who killed Felix.

Logan

So what, we team up? Get matching capes? I ride shotgun in the sidecar?

Weevil

Something like that, but not yet. See, I can't let you leave here looking the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus.

Logan

Well, I hope you don't just expect me to stand here and take it.

Weevil

Wouldn't be much fun if you did.

Logan

So who's going to throw the first - [bell rings, Weevil punches first and they all-out fight]

Logan

Hi-ho.

Veronica

What did you say?

Logan

Oh, your uniform. Hi-ho. It's off to work you go.

Veronica

Guess that makes me Snow White.

Logan

You must be on your way up to see Mopey.

Veronica

How is he doing, Sleazy?

Logan

What's the word?

Dick

The one they call Bootsy told me "no" and went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person.

Logan

Doesn't he understand? If you could do that, you'd never come to school.

Dick

Boy, that's the truth.

Veronica

And how can I help you, sir?

Weevil

I need a favor.

Veronica

Ah, a favor - one of our specialties.

Weevil

I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's church.

Veronica

Um... I'm sorry. That's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "You're crazy" down the street?

Logan

[from the next table over] It's not just for him.

Veronica

Isn't this a very odd coincidence? Or, wait - are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking?

Logan

Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you could help me find where Duncan disappeared?

Veronica

Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer.

Weevil

Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad.

Veronica

So, this is sneaking? I've got a pantomine-horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass?

Logan

Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you.

Logan

Look, Veronica, can you just once save my ass without comment?

Veronica

No. Because saving your ass with comment, it just... it works better for me.

Veronica

Slushies! Get your ice-cold, frozen... sugar water...

Logan

You had me at "ice cold."

Veronica

What's your poison?

Logan

Oh, emotionally unavailable women. [Veronica glares] Let's see, uh... I want something that suits my mood.

Veronica

Ooh, I'm sorry, we're all out of liquid evil.

Logan

I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.

Veronica

Hot date?

Logan

Rain check? A night with the fellas. You know how it is.

Logan

Oh the rich, how they mock you. [hands Veronica a $50 bill]

Veronica

There's a $50 bill?

Logan

Had them made special.

Dick

I am so good at this game, bro.

Logan

Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick.

Logan

So, you want me to come over after school?

The words out of your mouth are, "come over," but all I hear you saying is, "Let's have sex."

Logan

Excuse me? All I heard you say was, "Let's have sex."

They've set a trial date sixty days from today.

Logan

Whatever will I wear?

The D.A. is offering a one-time deal, a plea bargain.

Logan

I'm not interested.

You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior - if you could muster some - you'd be out in half that.

Logan

[incredulous] Two years?

Logan, [sighs] let me remind you the prosecution has witnesses. The good kind - eyewitnesses.

Logan

Cholo lowlives and a lying cokehead plastic surgeon.

A prominent, well-respected cokehead doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the "Tinseltown Diaries"? Jurors love convicting smug, rich boys - it's a fact. I've asked around - and I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.

Logan

Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self defense. I got jumped by a gang. Argue that.

I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang. He saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix.

Logan

No deal.

Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.

Kendall

And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money.

Logan

I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.

Dick

Dude! So we hanging this weekend or that chick still have your sack locked up in her Easy-Bake Oven?

Logan

Actually, I am now a free man.

Dick

The way we should be, man.

Logan

"We"? What happened to Madison?

Dick

[scoffs] Bailed. According to her friend, she met someone more mature.

Logan

Where, Legoland?

Dick

Pfft. Whatever, man. Maturity is like one of the two most overrated things on the planet.

Logan

The other being?

Dick

Chicks.

Logan

Oh, so this worked out great for you.

Dick

Dude, why do you think I'm in such a great mood? Screw it. This weekend, you and me are partying like Ozzy.