[Alan is in the kitchen with his ventriloquist dummy]
You're starting to scare the crap out of me.
Oh, oh, this? This is, uh, just a new hobby. Uh, Charlie, say hello to Danny O'Day. [as Danny]: Howdy do, Charlie?
That's not a hobby. That's a cry for help.
Oh, come on, Charlie, play along. [as Danny]: So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?
With a woman, Alan. Something you need to do before this gets out of hand. [leaves]
Alan [as Danny]: Wow. He's got a stick where I've got your hand.
[Chelsea and Charlie are on their way to the movies]
Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?
Because he's a ticking time bomb and we don't wanna be in the car with him when he goes off!
Come on, he's breaking my heart. Staying home all alone on a Friday night.
Don't worry. You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?
Well, Alan's kinda the opposite. He's always lonely, but he's never alone.
He's going through a tough time. Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.
My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.
Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month. Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?
You know, just once I'd like to walk in this room [the kitchen] and not be freaked out.
Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.
Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.
Oh, Charlie. Your penis is no match for my technology.
[Charlie enters Alan's room]
OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!
What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?
Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.
Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Two and a Half Men pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
