Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

It became clear to me that I don't like what I'm doing, and now that Mom is taking care of Jake, I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy.

Charlie

So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?

Alan

I don't care if I never inherit this house.

Charlie

Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?

Alan

What new will?

Charlie

Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.

Alan

(After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!

Charlie

So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...

Alan

Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".

Charlie

What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!

Charlie

Everything work out at the office?

Alan

Uh-huh.

Charlie

Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?

Alan

Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.

Charlie

Her waist or yours?

Alan

Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.

Charlie

Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!

Alan

For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.

Charlie

Then why do you call it "Brenda"?

Alan

Where are you going?

Jake

I'm a 14-year-old boy who just got ear-boob. Where do you think I'm going?

Alan

I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.

Charlie

Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.

Alan

I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.

Charlie

OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.

Alan

This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.

Melissa

I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.

Alan

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]

Charlie

Surprise.

Alan

Wanna know her [Chelsea's] cat's name?

Charlie

No.

Alan

It's "Mandu".

Charlie

Mandu?

Alan

Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?

Charlie

Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?

Alan

Because that's what you're always thinking.

Jake

No cookies? What the hell is going on around here?!

Alan

Hey, watch your mouth!

Jake

I am watching it. It's empty. I need dessert!

Alan

Oh, it's horrible. But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money and your house and your car and every last SHRED OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT!

Charlie

You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.

Alan

Oh, no, no, no, I-- I'm the perfect guy to ask. Wh-- when Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH! GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!

Alan

If you want dessert, have an apple!

Jake

Not funny, Dad!

Charlie

The little turd (Jake) called my bluff!

Alan

[Scoffs, then he is hit in the head by Charlie] OW!!

Charlie

So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?

Jake

I vote for cathouse.

Alan

Do you even know what a cathouse is?

Jake

Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!

Alan

A movie would be fine.

Charlie

All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?

Jake

There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.

Jake

Have I met this woman before?

Alan

I doubt it.

Jake

She looks familiar.

Alan

Blond, busty, and bombed? Around here, that's familiar.

Jake

I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.

Alan

He does.

Jake

Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?

Alan

Well, buddy, it's like this: uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.

Jake

That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.