Montgomery Burns quotes from The Simpsons

Ah sitting, the great leveler. From the lowliest peasant to the mightiest pharaoh, who does not enjoy a good sit?

Homer

Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this?

Mr. Burns

Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ahh! The only hard part is getting up.

Homer

He-he. Why get up? Here's a little move I have been tinkering with. Say I wanted that bowl of dip.

Mr. Burns

Why, you'd have to get up.

Homer

Oh?

Mr. Burns

Sir, I am in your debt.

Homer

Use it wisely, my friend.

Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.

Homer

[sees charred doughnut] Success!

You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?

Homer

Uh...it's my first day.

Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well, carry on! [walks off]

Sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years.

Ohh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?

Homer

It's my first day.

Well, why didn't you say-- Yawoo! You're fired!

Shouldn't you be at work right now?

Homer

Uh yes sir, Mr. Burns, sir.

Well then, get back to wherever it is you work, whoever you are.

Smithers, we're at war!

I'll begin profiteering, sir.

And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!

Kent Brockman

Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!

Marge

I don't like the sound of that "class 3".

Kent Brockman

And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning. [At the Burn's mansion, Burns and Smithers are playing volleyball with the snowplows. Burns hits a very large volleyball into a very large net]

He shoots, he scores!

[laughs] Perfect form sir.

Marge

Homer this is horrible! How will the kids get home?

Homer

I dunno. Internet?

Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. (to Homer) Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.

Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.

Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

The Rich Texan

I'm gonna win me a Nuclear Plant.

Dream on Bitch!

How much for your entire collection?

Comic Book Guy

Um, the speed of light expressed in dollars.

[to Smithers] Just give him Faraday's constant.

No, mine was rubber mats in the decontamination showers, also water in the decontamination showers.

Never!