Mr. Burns quotes from The Simpsons

Mr. Burns

[to Blinky] What are you looking at?

Mr. Burns

So you want me to talk about Persephone Odair? That's easy. She was a brilliant entrepreneur who wanted to save the world. How I wish that was her only shortcoming.

Homer

Afternoon, Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns

Ah, hello there, uh..uh....

Homer

[whispers to Smithers] Simpson, Homer.

[gives cue card] Here you go, sir.

Mr. Burns

Ah! Oh, yes. Oh, and this must be your lovely wife... [reads] Marge. Oh, and look a little...Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be... [lifts his thumb covering Bart's name] Brat!

Bart

Bart.

Homer

Don't correct the man, Brat!

Mr. Burns

Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.

Well, it’s in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.

Mr. Burns

Wait! Who is that young go-getter? [points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair]

Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful-looking.

Mr. Burns

Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!

[on the intercom] Attention Homer Simpson, you have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friends; then report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.

Mr. Burns

[angry over Homer's failed speech] Well, well...our dashing young junior executive. You made a mockery of our meeting! I should fire you on the spot! [calms down] But I'm not going to.

Homer

[confused] Why?

Mr. Burns

How old do you think I am?

Homer

I don't know...102?

Mr. Burns

I'm only 81. [produces photo album. First photo shows him as a baby with a full head of hair] You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days...my glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls. [subsequent photos show him playing sports and at school dances] Oh, I was big man on campus, until my senior year... [final photo shows him in a lab with a receding hairline] ...when I became as bald as a plucked chicken. [sadly] You see, Simpson...I too know the sting of...male-patterned baldness. That's why I'm giving you your old job back.

Homer

What? [bends his knees] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Mr. Burns

Oh, now get outta here before I reconsider.

Homer

Oh. [gets up and leaves] Better hurry up.

Mr. Burns

Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Homer

I'll tell you what I think. I think he thinks that I'm an idiot! The only reason he's offering us this is because he knows he's going to lose the trial and will have to pay us the cool million! $500,000, I spit at his $500,000! [attempts to spit at the offered check, but misses and hits a chair. He tries to clean off the chair]

Marge

[losing her patience with Homer's behavior] Homer, what's happened to you?! All this greediness, lying, the shifty lawyers and the phony doctors!

Mr. Burns

[realizes Homer's been using a quack] Phony doctors, hello!

Marge

Do you know what I'd settle for if it were up to me? Bart's medical bills and an apology!

Mr. Burns

[reappearing on the scene with Smithers, and gets the check to tear it up] And you won't even get that from me either! Sorry, offer's expired! I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds!

Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?

Mr. Burns

Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

Marge

Oh my!

Mr. Burns

[grabbing a towel from Smithers] If you'll excuse me, I'm changing for a board meeting.

Marge

[closes the door] I'm so sorry Mr. Burns.

Bart

Hey mom, did he have those hideous spots all over his body?

Mr. Burns

I heard that! [closes the door]

Bart

Uh oh!

Would you be more comfortable if I left too, sir?

Mr. Burns

Of course not Smithers, you're...you're like a doctor.

Mr. Burns

[offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!

Marge

[to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?

[chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.

[sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]

Right, sir. It's...scalding me as we speak.

Mr. Burns

Why is that man in pink?!

Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir. He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.

Mr. Burns

Simpson, eh? Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of freethinking anarchist!

Kent Brockman

Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.

Mr. Burns

[over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.

Mr. Burns

[sarcastically] Oh hot dog! Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.

Mr. Burns

Ooh, look at them, Smithers - goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.

Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing? Just to throw the fear of God into them.

Mr. Burns

Very well. [to the screen] Eeny, meeny, miny... [sees Homer sleeping on his workplace] Blugh! Him!

[on the speaker] Attention, Homer Simpson. Attention, Homer Simpson. [Homer doesn't wake up] Wake up, Homer!

Homer

[wakes up, alarmed and confused] What? Huh? What?! [starts pressing buttons]

[on the speaker] You're fired.

Homer

For what?

[on the speaker] For sleeping on the job.

Homer

How did you know I was sleeping?

[on the speaker] We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.

Homer

[sees camera off-screen] Camera? D'oh!

Homer

[as Burns sews the top of his head back on] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Mr. Burns

Oh, will you quit your complaining!

Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive!

Mr. Burns

Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. [to the robot] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of caliginous cogs and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it, causing it to tip and loom over him]

Run, sir!

Mr. Burns

Every bone...shattered, organs...leaking vital fluids...a slight headache...loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.

[distraught] Sir, is there nothing I can do?

Mr. Burns

Well...perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are...surgical tools...and some ether.

Marge

Did you have a nightmare, Homey?

Homer

No, Bart bit me!

Bart

Hey, man, you were crushing me! [to Marge and Lisa] I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.

Homer

Hey, got to go shake the dew off the lily. [walks into bathroom and looks in the mirror, to find Burns' head sewn onto his left shoulder] Aaaah!!!

Mr. Burns

Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.

Homer

[trying to stay calm] I can wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!

Mr. Burns

Oh, that's right! It's all a dream... [fade to black; credits showrunner appears] ...or is it? [laughs evilly; credits showrunner disappeared]

Next week, on "The Simpsons"...

Lisa

Don't forget, Dad, tonight, my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.

Homer

Mmm...spaghetti.

Mr. Burns

But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands!

Homer

Oh, I hate having two heads!