Lisa Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else. How miserable do I have to be before you're happy?

Lisa

Milhouse, I...I...oh. [Lisa kisses Milhouse]

Lisa, does this mean you like me?

Lisa

Yes. No! I don't know! It means that life is full of unexpected things and you should never give up. And you're cute in the moonlight. [Milhouse faints and falls off the cliff. A bald eagle flies up with Milhouse on its back]

Everything's coming up Milhouse [Lisa smiles]

Lisa

What's this key with the plastic skull for?

Bart

That's for my box with the real skull.

Lisa

So how come we have all these other keys?

Homer

Well, if you live long enough, you'll start to accumulate things. This is from a gas station's men's room. They put a block of wood on it so you don't walk away with it.

Lisa

That's where the ice bridge would be. Go down.

Lisa

Dad, stop!

Homer

But...ooh, there's so many [two] buttons.

Lisa

[falling from the blimp] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [sees bus 23 in the river] Oooooooh!

Lisa

There are two things you didn't count on: my dad getting a giant wedding cake, and my sister locking herself in the car.

Skinner

We planned for the wedding cake, we just didn't see the baby thing coming.

Chalmers

Well, you should've.

Skinner

How could I? She wasn't even born yet.

Chalmers

People have babies!

Lisa

Actually, I do have a speech prepared.

Skinner

Excellent, Lisa. Freeplay cancelled.

Aww.

Bart

No one cancels my freeplay.

Bart

Sorry, man.

It's OK, thanks for making me part of the revolution.

Lisa

[After seeing Bart locking a door.] Bart, what are you doing?

Bart

Taking over the school. With all the kids inside.

Lisa

What?! I'm telling mom!

Bart

Great, you can call her from the closet phone. [Locks Lisa in the closet.]

Lisa

[offscreen] Hello, mom? You won't believe what Bart's doing.

Bart

There really is a phone in there? [Bart opens the closet door, revealing that Lisa was faking. Lisa sticks her tongue at Bart. Bart locks the closet again.] So immature.

Lisa

They're using pancakes as spoons.

Bart

Ooh, let's see what else they're doing wrong.

Bart

Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is?

Marge

You'll understand one day, when you have kids of your own.

Lisa

Umm, who say's we're gonna have kids of our own?

Bart

Not me, man! This cycle of jerks has to end!

Lisa

How did my daughter turn into my brother?

Don't blame me. When we had her, they used only the best genetic material - which meant none of mine.

Why don't you take Zia to your parents for Christmas, while I nurse my allergies in one of the non-Christmas celebrating states?

Lisa

You could go back to Michigan. It's still under Sharia law.

Yeah, but they always make me wear a veil.

Lisa

Sometimes I wish strangling your kid was still legal.

Marge

Not since they passed Homer's law.

Lisa

My daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.

Homer

[chuckles] Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.

Lisa

Should I've married Nelson? 'Cause we still talk on the phone.

Bart

Nelson calls you?

Lisa

Well, someone calls someone.

Bart

The boys think I'm a lousy father.

Lisa

Oh, poor Bart. My daughter thinks I'm a lousy mother.

Bart

[laughs gleefully, but stops quickly] Sorry.

Lisa

Meh, it's okay. But you know who took her side? [mockingly] Marge Bouvier Simpson.

Bart

[scoffs] What did she do?

Lisa

She told me to relax and bake cookies.

Bart

Did you bake any?

Lisa

Yes I did, and they were some of the best cookies ever made in this house, but that is not the point!

Bart

Where's dad?

Lisa

He took the boys out.

Bart

How can he be such a cool grandfather when he's such a lousy father?

Marge

People learn from their mistakes, and your father made so many mistakes.