Marge Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Bart

Perhaps, but on the other hand... [Burps at Lisa in her face, then laughs]

Lisa

Ugh. Mom!

Bart

Gotcha!

Marge

Bart, say excuse me.

Marge

We have to meet the new neighbors before they hear about us from the old neighbors.

Homer

Hey, I have friends in this neighborhood. There's the guy whose lawn I used as a shortcut, the guy whose mailbox crashed into our car, and Mrs. Bad Halloween candy.

If my candy is so bad, why do you take so much of it?

Marge

Oh, my head. Homie, what do you take for a hangover? Huh? [Homer is running away] Oh fine, be that way.

Homer

For once, I'm the one who spoke truth while drunk.

Marge

Oh, oh. Running away from a fight?

Homer

Well, I'm still mad at you!

Marge

Well, I'm still mad at you!

Homer

You told everyone that I don't care about romance, and now they think Homer Simpson is vanilla in the sack!

Marge

Stimulus checks? We were supposed to catch these during the pandemic. Should we spend the money now or wait for the next one?

Bart

So what are we gonna blow it on, jet ski or motorbike? Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Lisa

[to Marge] Mom, there is something I've always wanted for this family, but it's not a thing, exactly.

Bart

Vroom?

Lisa

...but rather, it's an experience. Something we can all treasure and talk about for years to come.

Marge

Wow. Well, then maybe we should do it.

Bart

[to Marge] Wait, that's the move? Go all sincere and emo? Gross.

Lisa

There is one small issue. My idea will take finessing with Dad.

Marge

Hmm.

Lisa

I am so sorry. You can sell my Malibu Stacy Dream House. It's increased in value. I just redid the kitchen.

Homer

Relax. We're not gonna sell your toys. The sax is where the real money is.

Marge

Homer.

Homer

What? My upper-lower, middle-lower, lower-class income isn't gonna get us out of this.

Marge

Hmm. In order to save this family, I'm gonna have to do something I've never done before, get a job.

Bart

Oh, you've had tons of jobs: cop, realtor, gym owner, erotic baker, weed sommelier.

Marge

Ugh, Bart, stop it! This is enough!

Homer

Yeah, this isn't just some little quirk like wearing a fedora or being a Libertarian. You got a disgusting brain in a greasy jar.

Chief Wiggum

Simpson, we are finally sending you to juvie and throwing away the keys, is what I would say if I wasn't about to start a whole new chapter in my life. [Bart groans] I'm joining the Chicago P.D. I'm gonna lead the ADU.

Lou

The All-Decapitations Unit?

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, there won't be a lot of laughs. I think it’s a drama. One thing's for sure though, I'm going to miss this pla-

Bart

ENOUGH WITH THE STUPID LIGHT SWITCH!!

Marge

Come on, sweetie. It's time for you to go home.

Homer

Son, I can see you're experiencing some pretty big feelings right now. Let's try and center them. Now blow out your candles.

Bart

[scoffs] You blow 'em out, dumbass.

Homer

I know, I know. It's a lot to process suddenly having a great father.

Bart

Dude, you're not capable of change!

Homer

[through teeth] I hear you and I validate your feelings.

Bart

[sternly] You're not a great father, you are Homer Simpson. A drunk, neglectful sack of crap, and that's why everyone laughs at you!

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little... [angrily strangles Bart, smashes onto his cake, then resets]

Marge

[switches the light on] Bart, look what you did to your cake.

Homer

Mmm, floor cake. [takes a bite of Bart's cake]

Bart

Ten. I stopped it. I'm still ten.

Marge

[to Bart] When are you going to grow up?

Bart

Never.

Marge Simpson

Luann, we're not feeling very "woo." What we're feeling is woo-ried.

Bernice Hibbert

Mm-hmm.

This is an intervention.

Luann

I don't have a problem with drinking.

Lindsey Naegle

It's not the wine.

Marge

Luann, you have an addiction to wine merch.

Marge

Luann, we're here for you.

Luann

But... but being a funny wine mom is my thing. I have absolutely nothing else in my life. [He starting to crying, Milhouse sighs]

Marge

You like coffee, right? What if your new personality was coffee?

Luann

Coffee merch doesn't get me there!

Bernice Hibbert

Chocolate?

Luann

"It's chocolate o'clock somewhere"? That makes no sense, Bernice.

Miss Hoover

How about "proud slut"?

Luann

Hmm... hmm... I love it.

Homer

Fun fact about Jennifer Garner, Marge. She'll take a night at home with the kids over a Hollywood premiere any day of the week.

Marge

I told you that.

Homer

THIS IS BULL! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO SULLY SULLENBERGER!

Marge

Homer, stop it! You always do this. You'll get us banned.

Homer

So? We'll take our business elsewh--

Marge

There is no elsewhere. Because of your past behavior, you're on the No Fly List of every other airline in the country. Even Spirit.

Marge

I can't remember the last movie we saw in theaters. And on opening night!

Homer

Movies are back, baby!

Bart

Just think of all the chumps out there waiting three days until this movie's free on streaming.

I'm Dr. Janet Grody, creator of Snüf Total-Body Deodorant. It's for all your grossest places. Just rub it right on your butt cleft, under pouch, stink flaps...

Marge

Ah! How could they say those words on TV?

...peat bog, smuckle, stunk-tank.

Marge

Come on. Skip ad. Skip ad.

Between-hatch, gunk chunnel, boob swamp, elbow crotch.

Homer

Elbow crotch. I have one of those.

Lisa

Mom, maybe you could tell a story about us when we were younger.

Marge

Um, we've done that a few times. Not sure what stories are left. Maggie's first tooth, Grampa's last tooth, the time Homer thought he invented stuffed crust pizza.

Homer

I did invent it. [picks up a paper of Crust Insert Stuff with Pizza on it] I'm the Thomas Edison of stuffing things with cheese.

Bart

Including yourself.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little. [strangles Bart]

Bart

Your primitive strangling is no match for fireplace tongs. [strangles Homer with a fireplace tongs, then Homer tickles him, Homer turns his face normal, then he and Homer lays on the floor]

Homer

We just made some memories, boy.