Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

But where does the ship stop again?

Homer

I don't know. A lot of barefoot kids kicking soccer balls, shell necklaces, they really hit the poverty nicely.

Homer

And now because it's after noon, I can go to Moe's without having a "drinking problem."

Hey, Homer. I could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door.

Marge

Homer, I'm a single mother, trying to raise a family here.

Homer

But you're not-

Marge

Just zip it.

Trouble in paradise?

Homer

No, my marriage.

Homer

Now that's what I call a snappy retort.

Marge

Stop saying what you call things! I'm trying to watch the movie.

Homer

People here do not respect boundaries.

Ned

Homer, did you just buckle your belt through my loop?

Homer

I'm here to take my life back!

Artie Ziff

I thought this might happen. So I mastered Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Crawl atop me and meet your doom!

Homer

Not so fast! Say hello the United Federation of Homers Through History!

Homer

Wait, the frog in the trench coat is Kermit too.

All the frogs in that show are Kermit. Keeps all the other frog actors out of work.

Homer

That's one way to avoid drunk driving.

Marge

Another way is don't drink.

Homer

I'm not Superman.

How do you keep finding me?

Homer

You really should tweet less.

But everyone deserves to know what I'm thinking all the time.

Marge

You're all bald.

Homer

No, I'm young person cool-bald. Not old person sad-bald.

Homer

Listen, I gotta know. You're not just being nice to me because, in a pinch, you could make candles from my fat.

Well, that is a big part of it.

Homer

It's okay. I know what I am.

Homer

Marge, this is it. TEOTWAWKI.

Marge

The end of the world as we know it?!?

Bart

Dad, what would you do if you got my ear in the mail?

Homer

I don't know; feed it to the dog.

Bart

You'd have to wrap cheese around it.

Homer

Don't you tell me how to feed you to the dog!

Marge

Kids, your father and I have decided we're not in such a hurry to get you guardians.

Homer

Instead of concentrating on dying, we're going to concentrate on living.

Bart

If you call this living.

Homer

[turns red with anger] Why, you little... [furiously lunges at Bart and angrily strangles him] I do call this living. Living the way kids in lndia can only dream of.

Lisa

There is nothing like your biological family.