Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Is it snowing down here?

No, one of the freezers is busted.

Homer

[touched the boys have forgiven Bart] If those boys can forgive their train wreck of a father, maybe I can forgive... [de-freezes grampa]

Grampa

You quit drinking like a coward, the one thing you were good at——

Grampa

Lawn chair-breaking——

Grampa

Hair-losing——

Grampa

Marge-loving——

Grampa

Barometer dropping——

Grampa

Father freezing——

Grampa

But you'd always come and get me when I wandered out on the freeway. Because deep down you couldn't stand to see me smooshed.

Homer

Do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels?

Lisa

They self-reference each other!

Grampa

And I created an alcoholic hippo.

Homer

You never showed it to me!

Grampa

A stupid alcoholic hippo!

Homer

I still want to see it!

Grampa

There is no hippo!

Homer

Then why did you say that?

Grampa

'Cause you're the hippo!

Homer

Are you just saying that because you don't want me to see the hippo?

Grampa

I don't have a hippo!

The lightest, most desirable computer in the world, for the next three weeks - the Mapple Void.

Homer

I'll take it, provided you charge me for services that Google offers for free.

We already have!

Homer

Sweet.

Homer

[to Maggie] Let her slice off the tip of your ear and she'll go right to sleep.

Carl

No.

Homer

That's not a choice you get to make.

Lisa

I pick up books like you pick up beers!

Homer

Then you have a serious reading problem.

Homer

Sorry, Dad. I was afraid of the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.

Grampa

You idgit! Dragon always coughs the moon back up.

Marge

Don't even bother shooting us. We found a new place we love. It may not have indoor plumbing, but it has something else we treasure more.

Homer

Yeah, non jerks!

Marge

In our new community people accept each other for who they are. I thought I wanted to come back to my house, but instead I'm going back to my Home!

Bart

It's time to start your annual mad dash around town to get her a present that's not completely insulting.

Homer

Is it possible for here.

Marge

Please don't say one again.

Homer

[whispers weakly] Onnneee.

Marge

Homie, whatever it is, it's not happening.

Homer

[furiously turns red and angrily grunts] This yolk-separating camera-hog was supposed to call you and say happy birthday! From her show!

Marge

[calms Homer down] Well, at least you remembered I like her. [kisses Homer which ticks him off]

Homer

[shocked] A pity kiss?! [turns red in anger] That tears it! I'm gonna call that Paula Paul and give her a piece of my mind! Huh? The phone's dead. Normal, normal, normal, normal, nor... Uncharacteristic?! Hm? A chew-through. What could have... [sees the rabbit eating wire] Aw... I mean, [furiously turns red and angrily growls]

Bart

Aw, he's trying to eat "ewectwicity."

Homer

[angrily screams at Bart] You let this monster into our home, where he chewed through our one and only phone cord!

Lisa

Wait! Maybe Paula Paul left a message.

[on phone] Hi, Marge! Paula Paul here, calling live from What's On Paula's Windowsill?, ready to wish you a happy birthday, but since you're not home yet, we'll go to commercial and call you right back. (beep) Hi, Paula Paul, calling back for Marge Simpson! Kind of a big moment for you, a little surprised you're not picking up! (beep) Marge, this is just plain disrespectful. I bumped a segment to do this and you're making me look like an a*s! (beep) Screw you, Marge Simpson! Don't read my books and don't make my recipes! May my curse follow you beyond the grave!

Bart

Check it out! It's on TV!

[on TV] They're booing you, Marge! An audience full of church groups and Marines!

Marge, go to hell, Marge!

Marge

[sadly turns off the TV] I think that's enough birthday fun. [walks upstairs]

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little... I'm gonna get... [grunts; turns his face normal] No, Homer. You can't strangle a boy on his mother's birthday. Juries hate that. So instead, boy, I want you to... [grunts; angrily turns red again] Get in that rabbit cage!

Bart

No way, man. I'm a free-range kid.

Homer

No backtalk! In the cage! Now! Get in there.

Homer

Finally, a supermarket with a clear premise - island something.

Bart

It's like going to Hawaii without all the murderous locals.

Now, I believe that to solve Homer's problem, he must face what's inside the coffin.

Homer

Forget it, Doc. What if that's my marriage in there?

Bart

Marriage, shmarriage. What's in the box, man? [he opens the coffin, causing the fishes out of the coffin]

Homer

[angrily] See what your monkeyshines have done, boy?

Bart

Still smells better than your gym socks, man.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little... [angrily strangles Bart] I'll teach you to make fun of my socks.

Homer, you do not yet understand the meaning of karma.

Homer

But isn't karma just an expression of the dhrama?

That is beside the point, okay?

Homer

What happened to you guys? You used to be cool.

We are the same temperature. We have always been.