Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.

Bart

Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hothead?

Homer

Because I'm filled with stress! [smacks Bart on the back of his head and moans] I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?!

Homer

[monotonous] Zombie kill!

Bart

Not kill, play!

Homer

[sullen] Zombie file grievance.

[furious] You horribly injured the fire department!

Homer

What are you, a travel agent? Because you're sending me on a guilt trip.

Lisa

Dad, why don't you throw me in the air and I can see which way is out? [he does] Corn. [again] More corn. [again] Another kid getting thrown in the air. [again] Witches' coven. [again] Seattle Space Needle. [again] Amateur production of You Can't Take It With You. [again] Oh, I'm getting dizzy. [again] And corn again.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why, you little-- [strangles Bart] I'll teach you to trick your sister! [grunting while strangling Bart then being constricted by Strangles and changes color]

Marge

Homer, can you breathe?

Homer

Well, I can breathe out okay. [now really struggling to breathe] Don't give snake attention. It’s what he really-[turns red and falls to the ground] I'm okay!

Homer

[gasp] It's the cops, act normal! [places a banana peel on his head; woman's voice impersonation] Oooh, hello officer!

Ahh, good afternoon ma'am. [sigh] What is it about a woman in a dumpster?

Marge

Oh hi kids, you're just in time to go to the dentist!

Bart

DENTIST?! You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery!

Lisa

Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.

Homer

[Pulls up on a dirt bike] Hey, suckers, check it out -- Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery!

Lisa

You're going to the dentist too, Dad.

Homer

[disappointed] Why the cemetery, I wondered? But my dreams were too strong...

Homer

What the hell is a Fundae?

It's a Sundae that's fun!

Homer

[Yelling] I like that! [Talking normally] But I'm on a bit of a health kick so I'll take the low fat vanilla, with the following mix-ins; Snickles, Gooey Bears, Charlotte-ville chew, Nice and Many, Kat-Kit, Herschel Smooches, Mrs. Bad-Bar and Milk-Dudes.

This is Fox News, with the latest Liberal Outrage. It seems liberals want to give NASA the right to abort space missions whenever they feel like it!

Homer

Liberals, I hate them so much!

Okay Homer, I don't know anything about planes, but I know about you. You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you. So you'll land that plane. And do you know why? Because I heard some guy say you couldn't.

Homer

What! I'll show him. I'll show that guy!

Marge

What are you doing? You don't know how to fly a plane!

Homer

I once drove a car off a cliff. How hard can it be? Hmm..., what's the ocean doing in the sky?

Homer

That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.

Lisa

Dad, all you circled were the I's and A's.

Homer

Those are words.

Bart

Dad, you were great!

Lisa

And you contributed to our culture!

Homer

[worried] Well, I didn't mean to.

Lisa

No, no, it's a good thing.

Homer

Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.

Lisa

The dance isn't 'til next week.

Homer

Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.

Dr. Hibbert

Homer, you have a mild back sprain. And you also ingested a dangerous quantity of grave dirt.

Homer

Well, you're always telling me that I should eat more dirt.

Dr. Hibbert

Not dirt, vegetables!

Homer

...Which grow in what?

Homer

D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Stu-stu-stu-stupid Flanders.

Ned Flanders

Why the crescendo, my old friendo.

Homer

Get lost, you waste of mustache!

Ned Flanders

Okey dokley.

Homer

When you call in sick, who do you call?

I don't call in sick, I work when I wanna.

Homer

Sometimes you want to work?