Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[singing "Tubthumping" while drunk] I get knocked down!

Whoa, party house.

Homer

(from the house) Hey, where's my keg?

Lisa

Hmm... Mom's not gonna like that.

Who's Mom?

Lisa

Uh... that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.

Hey, you doing anything tomorrow night? Robert Pinsky is reading at Café Kafka.

Lisa

Robert Pinsky? The former poet laureate?

It's gonna be great, the three of us can split a scone.

Lisa

Non-dairy?

Duh.

Homer

I take a whiskey drink! I take a chocolate drink!

Lisa

I'll see you tomorrow.

See ya.

My face is up here, Homer.

Homer

(looking at Carmen's breasts) I've made my choice.

Homer

You know, if you let us go, there's a diamond necklace in it for you.

I hope you're not suggesting that I would take that necklace as a bribe. Think again, dirtbag, cause I can swipe it later from the evidence locker.

Bart

Cool, a lie detector.

Bart

Lisa is a dork. Lisa is a dork.

Lisa

Dad, make him stop.

Homer

Hmm... According to this, he's telling the truth.

Homer

Do you sell hats?

Yeah.

Homer

To people?

Maybe.

Homer

People with heads?

Sometimes...

Homer

[notices Maggie who has been turned into an anteater] Maggie! [Lisa, turned into an eagle, swoops down, grabs Maggie with her claws, and tries to fly away] Lisa! [grabs Lisa from her legs, pulls her down and releases Maggie]

Lisa

[defensively] We were just playing.

Homer

What game?

Lisa

[sheepishly] Let's eat Maggie...?

Lisa

[as an eagle] So, how do you like being a walrus, dad?

Homer

[as a walrus] It's great! I haven't been this skinny since high school!

How ya doing?

Homer

[drunk] Talky thing, ain't ya?

Lisa

Another proud moment for the Simpsons.

Homer

Hey, what gives, where are the rock stars?

Chief Wiggum

I don't know, but it's starting to get dark.

Homer

[Gasps] What was that?

Barney Gumble

Oh, it's getting closer.

Hello campers!

How are ya doin'?

Homer

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! It's Mick Jagger and Keith Richards!

Homer

Mr. Seltzer?

Setzer.

Homer

No, I think it's Seltzer.

It's okay, Homer. It's only Rock n' Roll camp.

Homer

But I like it.

Squeaky Voiced teen

Sir, you can't...

Homer

[flashes his card at the teen] All access!

Squeaky Voiced Teen

[salutes] Oh. Sorry!

Homer

There's no need for apologies, guys. You're rock stars! You're supposed to be reckless and destructive, and be celebrated for behavior that would land normal people in jail!

That's what I told them!

Homer

Well, if Bart can be 'El Barto'...

Oh, if only I had your courage, sénor.

Homer

Thanks [realizes what he just did] Ahh! Oh, God! [Paints frantically to cover it up]

Lisa

Dad, you're getting paint all over your wedding ring.

Homer

Oh, right. Here, hold it. [Hands the ring to Lisa]

Lisa

Dad, this is a Band-Aid wrapped in tin foil.

Homer

[Ashamed] My real ring's inside a turtle.

Marge

Why do you always pick the cheapest guy?

Homer

I go by how funny the sign is. [indicates the "A Bug's Death" van outside the house]