Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Mom! Bart's making faces at me! [looks through opera glasses] ...I think.

Homer

LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO YELL!

Marge

This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes. [picks up an extra long fork] Hmm I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with with this one?

Homer

[in a posh accent] Why Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.

Marge

Homer watch your lang- [scratches herself] Ooh! That's a life saver!

Marge

All I'm saying is, don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.

Homer

Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party!

Marge

Party?! No! No parties!

Homer

What about "par-tays"?

Marge

No "part-tays", no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials!

Homer

Damn! [looks at a box social invitation, featuring an image of him on an old-fashioned bicycle] And I looked so good on that bike...

Homer

Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics". They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.

Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab! [one of the monkeys screams] Ha-ha! He ain't pretty no more!

Hey, whaddya know, it floats!

Homer

That was my plan all along! Now relax, and the currents will take us home.

Bart

What about the people on the bottom?

Homer

They're the greatest heroes of all... Hey, something's clawing at my leg!... Okay, it stopped.

Lisa

Ah, it's good to be home.

Homer

I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.

Bart

It's not so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. [spits it out]

Marge

Bart, stop that. Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless artwork, but we have everything we need, right here.

Homer

That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have... [crying] Oh, I can't even finish! I wanna be rich! [drops to the floor, as the scene fades to black. The names of the executive producers appear] Like these guys! [The credits for the actors start to roll] And look at all these rich people here! Not as rich they should be, of course, but still rich! [sobbing] Big money! Look at all the names, that all have money, and have lots of money! [Richard K. Chung's name is on screen] Oh, he's poor. [sobbing again] But look at all the other people who aren't...! Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! I should send a list of these names to the IRS! I'm taking 'em all down! [Continues crying as the credits keep rolling] Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh! Oh, look at that rich...! [The Gracie Films logo goes "Shh!"] Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

Marge

Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?

Comic Book Guy

Excuse me, I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences.

Homer

Anybody care what this guy thinks?

No!

Homer

Did that really happen, or was it just a wonderful dream?

[suddenly appears] No dream! Lose the race, fat boy! [Homer sobs]

Homer

Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.

Bart

You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning was everything.

Homer

Oh, it is, it is. But we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.

Bart

Maybe, but if Duncan wins the derby, he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.

Homer

Well, it is a good life. Believe me. [giggles] All right, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Bart

Huh?

Homer

I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Homer

Ooh, a bobby pin. [ducks down, letting Maude get hit by T-shirts and fall to her death]

Ned Flanders

[gasps] Maude?

Dr. Hibbert

Oh, my lord! She's dead!

Ned Flanders

[gasps]

Homer

I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!

Ned

Are you sure?

Homer

Positive! There's a lot of hot people up there. There's John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes--

Ned

Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a character.

Homer

Oh, he sure was! [does a sexy growl]

Bart

Dad, why are you taping Flanders?

Homer

You'll see. [he chuckles]

Bart

Do you even have a job anymore?

Homer

I think it's pretty obvious that I don't.

Homer

So if you're tired of dating the same old losers!

Carl

...What are you doing, Homer?

You're watching PBS.

Bart

You're watching PBS?!

Homer

Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.

Bart

Cheeky!

Homer

You're leaving! Wait! What do I do here!

First of all, forget everything you learned in Missionary school.

Homer

Done.

We taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.

So, are you enjoying your ox testicle?

Homer

Yeah.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious.

Homer

Nah, I'm good.

Homer

Ahh! What was that?!

We call that-- [starts making gagging and choking noises] sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that, "earthquake".

Homer

Oh great, now my testicle's got ants on it!