Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

I put the tax forms on the top of your "to do" pile a month ago.

Homer

I have a "to do" pile?! [looks at the mountain of papers next to him on the end table, which wasn't there before]

Mr. Burns

See with your eyes, not with your hands!

Please! We are all amigos here!

Homer

Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba!

Mr. Burns

Now give it back.

Give what back?

Mr. Burns

If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.

Homer

God bless America!

May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?

Homer

Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.

Sir, helper monkeys are only for the physically challenged or enfeebled.

Homer

Enfeebled? Ooooh, I know just the guy. Be right back.

Grampa Simpson

Oh, son, this monkey's gonna change my life.

Homer

Mind if I take him for a ride?

Grampa Simpson

Sure, I'll just stand here.

Grampa Simpson

Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.

Lisa

Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?

Homer

I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Homer

You guys are the lousiest garbage men ever! YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU!! YOU TRASH-EATIN' STINKBAGS!! [the garbage truck screeches to a halt] Uh-oh...

What did you call us?!

Homer

[intimidated] I dunno... a lot of people yelling stuff.

Yeah, you called us "trash-eatin' stinkbags!"

Didn't ya learn anything from Love Day?!

Homer

[pokes him] That was yesterday, moron.

Homer

Good morning, trash pile. How's my—hey... [trash pile is completely gone] Woo-hoo! I won!

Homer

This is a very, very proud day for us, especially me. Your father, ME, beat city hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won.

I know. I heard it too. Here's some music. ["Für Elise" plays and Lisa blisses away. Homer turns to Marge]

Homer

And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge. Well, this man does not crawl, he stands tall! That rhymes Marge, and you know it rhymes, admit it.

Marge

Aw Homer, you did not beat city hall! They picked up our trash because I sent a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name – PERIOD.

Homer

Yo... You signed my name?! I feel so violated!

Marge

You have signed my name lots of times.

Homer

But this isn't like a loan, application or a will! You signed away my dignity! And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on?

Lisa

Yes.

Homer

Perfect.

Homer

I wanna register the booth for sanitation commissioner! And tell the fat cats upstairs, "Things are gonna change in this town!"

OK, but this is where you register as a sex offender.

Aw geez, there's always a line...

Sorry I'm late, everyone. [accusingly to Homer]: Somebody tampered with my brakes. [everyone gasps]

Homer

Well, then you should've been early. [the whole crowd laughs uproariously]

Chief Wiggum

Hey, he got you there, Ray.

Oh, come on, people. This man has promised round-the-clock trash pickup, that's impossible.

Homer

Not if we hire more men, and my men'll do all your messy jobs. They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables.

I can't believe what I'm hearing!

Homer

Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops.

"Pops"? I'm only two years older than you!

Homer

Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?

What button?! What the hell are you talking about?!

Homer

[mocking] "What? What? What? What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?"

You're gonna need to come up with a slogan that'll appeal to all the lazy slobs out there.

Homer

Aww, can't someone else do it?

"Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.

Homer

Really?

Homer

[campaigning] Aren't you tired of having to peel that last snotty Kleenex from the bottom of your wastebasket?

I'll say!

Homer

Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money?

Bart

Dealing drugs?

Lisa

Drugs?

Marge

I'll have to say drugs too.

Homer

Close, but you're way off.

Homer

Look at that beautiful garbage. Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine.

Lisa

That's awful! I almost wish it was drugs.

Bart

Some of it is.

Homer

Morning, boys.

Where's our paychecks, you bum? [the head garbageman comes at Homer's desk with a baseball bat]

My men ain't workin' another minute until we get paid.

Homer

Will cash be okay?

Will it?

Mayor Quimby

Did I just hear a briefcase opening?

Marge

Is that your wallet?

Homer

D'oh!