When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room, okay, so these old guys are walking around naked. Feels almost passive-agressive. But I deal with it, because it's policy. See what I mean?
JimNope.
Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
Jim
Okay.
My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it and I just...look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.
[imitating Yoda] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?
[also imitating] Your wife becoming be will I.
[Michael puts the ring on Holly's finger, and they kiss as everyone else pours in to congratulate them]
So, guys, guys, guys, guys, we're moving to Colorado.
Jim
Wait, what?
Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.
[The entire office staff sings a surprise song to Michael to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from Rent]
Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
AAll
Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.
Jim
And impressions!
EKErin and Kelly
And cups of coffee.
WWomen
...E-mail forwards you made us read.
AAll
Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
You hit me with your car!
You helped me get off drugs!
I watch you when you sleep.
I forgive you for kissing me!
AAll
Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.
EKErin and Kelly
Call, text or e-mail, or call.
[falsetto] Measure your life in love!
AAll
Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.
Jim
So I've been meaning to tell you, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day.
Jim
What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?
Jim
You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?
Jim
Wow, so that's it, huh? Just four o'clock and you are gone for good.
Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?
Jim
Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes...goodbyes are a bitch.
[pulls out a tape recorder and speaks into it] T-shirt idea: "Goodbyes Stink." [puts tape recorder away] Okay, alright. So, James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company as a fine young man...
Jim
You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.
Jim
And then tomorrow, I can tell you...[tears up]...what a great boss you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had.
Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.
Jim
There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.
Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.
Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.
Jim
Your department's just you, right?
Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.
NBNellie Bertram
First, I'll take down the cubicle walls. Singular transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone has the same job. Same goes for me. I'll take your job by rejecting the title. Everyone will be known for their accomplishments.
Jim
That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there. And if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?
NBNellie Bertram
Oh... yeah... Scratch everything from before. I'll tell you what: Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss. And that person can fire the person below them. And once a month, the lowest person... [Imitates cutting throat] Buh-bye.
Jim
I am on the two-kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh-
[hears door, hides]
Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man.
What do you think happened?
Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees "IT WAS DWIGHT" written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh.
[Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream]
Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim
Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Jim
Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim
Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Okay, which one of these looks more right?
[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
[bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim
Okay, quick. Who says moustache?
[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
Jim
Who says no moustache?
[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
[reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
He does have a moustache.
[Stanley grunts]
The Office (US) · 496 quotes
