Gabe quotes from The Office (US)

Gabe

Shut up about the sun. SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN!!

Gabe

Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.

Michael

Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just...imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice cream cone.

Gabe

When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room, okay, so these old guys are walking around naked. Feels almost passive-agressive. But I deal with it, because it's policy. See what I mean?

Jim

Nope.

Gabe

Nudity makes me uncomfortable.

Jim

Okay.

Gabe

My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it and I just...look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.

Gabe

What are your weaknesses?

Kelly

I don't have any, asshole.

Toby

Do you know her last name yet?

Gabe

Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight.

Toby

She's going to be screaming her own last name?

Dwight

Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.

Gabe

Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?

Dwight

Meat grinder.

Gabe

[makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.

Dwight

You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.

Pam

Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?

Jim

Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.

Phyllis

Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.

Pam

It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.

Jim

Stanley doesn't have a moustache.

Pam

Yeah, he does.

Oscar

Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.

Pam

Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?

Phyllis

Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.

Pam

Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!

Jim

Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?

Angela

Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.

Pam

Okay, which one of these looks more right?

Dwight

Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.

Gabe

[bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?

Jim

Okay, quick. Who says moustache?

Dwight

Yep.

Jim

Who says no moustache?

Gabe

[reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!

Phyllis

He does have a moustache.

Dwight

Yes!

Pam

Welcome back, Stanley.