Jim Halpert quotes from The Office (US)

Dwight

Knock, knock.

Michael

Who's there?

Dwight

The KGB.

Michael

The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]

Dwight

VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!

Jim

Ding dong.

Michael

Who's there?

Jim

The KGB.

Michael

...Dwight, get the door.

Dwight

I'm not answering the door.

Michael

Answer the door.

Dwight

I'm not answering it.

Jim

Ding dong.

Dwight

No way, its the KGB.

Jim

Ding dong, ding dong.

Dwight

I'm not gonna answer it.

Jim

[slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!!

Dwight

...It's true.

Creed

So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.

Jim

Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.

Creed

I thought you were gay.

Jim

Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?

Creed

I don't know.

Jim

So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."

Pam

I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.

Michael

How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?

Jim

Michael, we only told our parents last week.

Michael

Did you pee on a stick?

Jim

I did. It was inconclusive.

Michael

You should've told me.

Pam

You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.

Michael

You know, what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.

Jim

You mean on a weekend.

Michael

...Yes.

Jim

I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?

Pam

Like a year!

Jim

I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with, but I think even then I knew that...I was waiting for my wife.

Jim

I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?

Pam

Like a year!

Jim

I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with, but I think even then I knew that...I was waiting for my wife. So, I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses, not Pam for obvious reasons, but everyone else... If you would raise your glasses...

Which obvious? Why can't Pam drink?

Jim

Pam can't drink? Who? I didn't, I shouldnt've said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants. Though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic, Pam is an alcoholic, that's not true, I didn't... no. The... what we want... the real reason is that, uhm, that... that Pam's pregnant.

Jim

Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.

Pam

You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.

This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know? You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?

Jim

I don't think so.

Michael?

Michael

Forget the question.

I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.

Michael

I humbly accept the management position.

Jim

Why would you just say something like that?

Michael

Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.

Pam

I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.

Jim

Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.

Pam

If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.

Jim

Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.

Pam

I cannot wait for that joke to be over.

Dwight

What the hell is this?! This is not Mega-Desk.

Jim

No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk.

Dwight

That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.

Jim

Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then, aren't we?

Dwight

Hello, Dwight Schrute?

Pam

Hey baby, what's up?

Jim

I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?

Pam

Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.

Jim

Oh my God, I couldn't envy you more.

Dwight

Stop it!

Jim

Stop what?

Dwight

You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!

Jim

Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.

Jim

Yup. That's exactly what we did.

Pam

Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again.

Jim

What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.

Pam

That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.

Jim

Yeah, I thought you started it.

Pam

No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. You know I have a kid with you, right?

Dwight

If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.

Jim

Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.

Dwight

To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler.