Jim Halpert quotes from The Office (US)

Jim

Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so...

Kevin

At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now. [looking at map] The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare.

Angela

So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head?

Oscar

Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?

Kevin

314 pies.

Oscar

What if it were salads?

Kevin

Well, it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.

Phyllis

I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.

Meredith

[Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!

Nellie

Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?

Kevin

Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?

Dwight

What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.

Jim

Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?

Kevin

No.

Angela

No!

Jim

Done, right?

Angela

No.

Stanley

No. I want Tropical Christmas.

Meredith

Topless Christmas.

Creed

Tapas Swiss Miss.

Dwight

[on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of Handsome and Stinky: Paper Brothers for Hire.

Jim

Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.

Dwight

Oh, God, this again? You're Stinky.

Jim

Okay, there's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.

Dwight

Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.

Phyllis

I have ears, Dwight.

Dwight

Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim?

Jim

Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.

Dwight

How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.

Jim

Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?

Dwight

Hmm. That's a good... question. 300 times...

Dwight

180... Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.

Pam

[on phone] Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?

Jim

I think I'm a little too busy these days to s - - [whispering] Oh, my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.

Dwight

Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.

Jim

You could've just called that an alliance too, right?

Dwight

I chose my words very carefully.

Jim

I'm taking some time off from work - well, my other work - because we needed it.

Pam

It's great.

Jim

It's great.

Pam

The phone's been ringing off the hook. The guys in Philly are kinda going nuts.

Jim

But that doesn't matter. This does. We've had some really nice days together.

Pam

M-hm. Nice morning too.

Jim

[through stifling laughter] Beesly. Oh my god.

Jim

So what is the problem?

Dwight

Angela.

Jim

I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation.

Dwight

Some sort of virus?

Jim

Love.

Dwight

Oh.

Jim

Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have.

Dwight

You're a good assistant, Jim.

Jim

You watched it?

Pam

Yeah.

Jim

[handing her an envelope] Then I guess you're ready for this.

Pam

What's that?

Jim

It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the note and is truly touched] Not "enough" for me? You are everything.

Jim

Dwight, I don't know how to tell you this, but...we have a little bit of a problem.

Dwight

Oh, no. What?

Jim

The minister just told me that it's tradition for the bestest mensch to be older than the groom.

Dwight

Oh, come on. I've never heard of such a thing!

Jim

I haven't heard of it, obviously. But I'm out, because I'm significantly younger than you.

Dwight

No! Not—significant is a big word.

Jim

Well, either way, Dwight...[pause] I can't be there for you. I'm sorry.

Dwight

Jim.

Jim

I just...really wish there was something I can do.

Dwight

Michael. I can't believe you came.

Michael

That's what she said. [Dwight cries out in joy and hugs Michael]

Jim

Best prank ever.

Jim

I sold paper at this company for twelve years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid...wonderful...boring...amazing job.

Pam

I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all, I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?