Dwight Schrute quotes from The Office (US)

Dwight

Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?

I have no idea.

Dwight

Anyone else?

Phyllis

We bury him.

Dwight

Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

Creed

He has no wallet. I checked.

Michael

He is an organ donor.

Dwight

He is! [to Stanley] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to his leg] Here we go!

Angela

Oh my God! Dwight!

Kelly

Dwight!

Angela

What are you doing?!

Dwight

We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?

Stanley

I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.

Jim

Are you kidding?

Dwight

Well, I'm not done yet.

Jim

Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?

Dwight

They match the carpet.

Jim

What is that? [points to sign] "It is your birthday, period."

Dwight

It's a statement of fact.

Jim

Not even an exclamation point?

Dwight

This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer!

Jim

Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.

Dwight

That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.

Jim

Didn't see that one coming.

Michael

It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.

Kelly

Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.

Meredith

She could be your soul mate.

Dwight

Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Dwight

Knock, knock.

Michael

Who's there?

Dwight

The KGB.

Michael

The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]

Dwight

VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!

Jim

Ding dong.

Michael

Who's there?

Jim

The KGB.

Michael

...Dwight, get the door.

Dwight

I'm not answering the door.

Michael

Answer the door.

Dwight

I'm not answering it.

Jim

Ding dong.

Dwight

No way, its the KGB.

Jim

Ding dong, ding dong.

Dwight

I'm not gonna answer it.

Jim

[slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!!

Dwight

...It's true.

Dwight

You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!

Michael

Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.

Dwight

And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!

Michael

[tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!

Michael

[in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.

Andy

Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?

Michael

Definitely.

Dwight

Smells like it.

Michael

Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.

Dwight

Word.

Andy

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.

Dwight

Yes!

In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]

Pam

Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.

Andy

That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.

Phyllis

How is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?

Dwight

[feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.

Pam

Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.

Andy

Oh, really? From what, two to four?

Pam

[in confessional] Yup!

Dwight

Bear my child.

Angela

Excuse me?

Dwight

I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. [Angela is silent] Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 pm at our old meeting spot and bang it out.

Dwight

What the hell is this?! This is not Mega-Desk.

Jim

No, it's not. They call it Quad-Desk.

Dwight

That's ridiculous, this is made up of three desks.

Jim

Oh my God. We're going to have to re-name it then, aren't we?

Dwight

Hello, Dwight Schrute?

Dwight

Hope... grows

Michael

...in a dump.

You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?

Dwight

Whacking moles.

Dwight

I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot because of your race.

Kelly

Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.

Dwight

Stop it!

Jim

Stop what?

Dwight

You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!

Jim

Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.

Jim

Yup. That's exactly what we did.