[while Michael makes fart noises] Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.
You're kidding me! God! You say radon is silent but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?! You know what? We're not going to die of radon, we're going to die of boredom.
[Everyone laughs]
Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
[Everyone groans in disapproval]
DwightYou were being really funny, and then you went too far.
Dwight
If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.
Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.
Dwight
To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler.
Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?
Dwight
Jo, I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
Dwight
I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse...
Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same...you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
Dwight
It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.
Dwight
I take full responsibility.
Who else would be responsible?
Dwight
Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
Dwight
OK, did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.
Dwight
Got it.
If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens. Like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight
Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
What e-mails are you talking about?
Dwight
"Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.
That's not that bad actually.
Dwight
"PS: We should kill him."
Dwight, am I hot right now?
Dwight
Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.
What about before? Was I attractive before?
Dwight
Meh. You were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low.
Dwight
What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight
Where? Dark side or light side?
Dwight
Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.
Dwight
Thank you, Andy.
Dwight
Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight
Meat grinder.
[makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight
You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.
Dwight
[about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.
Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
It just feels like a slap in the face.
Dwight
I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.
Dwight
I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.
I am on the two-kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh-
[hears door, hides]
Dwight
Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man.
What do you think happened?
Dwight
Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees "IT WAS DWIGHT" written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh.
[Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream]
Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Okay, which one of these looks more right?
[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Dwight
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
[bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Okay, quick. Who says moustache?
[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
Dwight
Yep.
[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
[reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
He does have a moustache.
Dwight
Yes!
[Stanley grunts]
Dwight listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who's a nice, reasonable person in your experience?
Dwight
I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.
Okay, so when you're selling to this woman, just imagine she's that nice, reasonable barber.
Dwight
Okay, I can do that.
Dwight
He used to fight dogs.
Like, he used to make dogs fight, or he actually fought dogs?
Dwight
Little of this, little of that.
The Office (US) · 496 quotes
