Michael Scott quotes from The Office (US)

Gabe

Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.

Michael

Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just...imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice cream cone.

Dwight

Hope... grows

Michael

...in a dump.

Meredith

That is something I would never do.

Michael

Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.

Meredith

Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.

Meredith

I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

Toby

[while Michael makes fart noises] Come on, Michael. You're interrupting.

Michael

You're kidding me! God! You say radon is silent but deadly, and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth? What is this?! You know what? We're not going to die of radon, we're going to die of boredom.

Michael

Right? And if I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Michael

Okay. Alright.

Dwight

You were being really funny, and then you went too far.

Andy

That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.

Michael

He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Mmm! It's not cappuccino.

Oscar

He messed yours up, too.

Darryl

He's got to go, Mike.

Michael

It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Holly

Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this, you know.

Michael

Do what?

Holly

You romanticize things.

Michael

I don't romanticize th...No...

Holly

Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.

Michael

"He had no arms or legs. He couldn't hear, see, or speak. This is how he led a nation."

Stanley

This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.

Kevin

I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?

Michael

You know what, guys? Let's just enjoy lunch.

Kevin

With what? How? Sometimes, Michael, sometimes...

Michael

Excuse me, everyone. SEX! Now that I have your attention...

Stanley

You don't have our attention.

Michael

MONEY!

Stanley

I'm listening.

Kevin

You had me at sex.

Michael

Pervert.

Michael

The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I'm obviously the Joker. So... [He hears noises from the phone and fax machine] That's, uh...

Wuphf from Ryan Howard: Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.

Michael

Thank God.

Erin

Who's Holly, guys?

Michael

That is a good question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe - just maybe - a part of my future?

David

Oh, sorry, mate.

Michael

[in a poor British accent] "Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me, mate."

David

[laughing] What are you doing?

Michael

English.

David

You're picking on the wrong person, I can tell you that much.

Michael

No, no, I'm not picking on you at all! You're English, correct?

David

Yeah, big time, yeah. Who are you?

Michael

I'm working on an English character. It's called Reginald Pooftah.

David

Oh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?

Michael

Michael Scott.

David

Oh, righty-o. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Lee [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.

Michael

I do Ping!

David

"Herro! Herro!"

Michael

"Herro, I'm Ping!"

David

You can't do that these days.

Michael

No, no, no, and people don't understand that it has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.

David

No, no, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said! Hahahahaha!!!

Michael

That's good! A pleasure to meet you!

David

Where are you working?

Michael

Dunder Mifflin.

David

Any jobs going?

Michael

No, not right now.

David

Just let me know.

Michael

Alright. See you around.

David

OK, man.

Michael

Bye-bye. [David walks off] What a nice guy.

Pam

[seeing Michael pouring gasoline all over the parking lot] Michael! Michael!

Michael

Hi.

Pam

Hi. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.

Michael

Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.

Pam

Why do you need more gas?

Michael

Well, I'm writing a message.

Pam

Is it a good message or a bad message?

Michael

I'm asking Holly a question in fire.

Pam

Are you proposing?!

Michael

Maybe.

Pam

Wow.

Michael

Hey, you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?

Pam

Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [grabs the lighter and runs away]

Michael

Pam.

Pam

Yep?

Michael

Could you light this please?

Pam

Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.

Michael

I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.

Pam

This is terrible.

Michael

[imitating Yoda] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?

Holly

[also imitating] Your wife becoming be will I.

Michael

So, guys, guys, guys, guys, we're moving to Colorado.

Kevin

All of us?

Michael

Yep.

Jim

Wait, what?

Michael

Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.

Deangelo

To beginnings and endings.

Michael

And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.

Deangelo

The moms and the troops.

Michael

Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.

Deangelo

I won't. I don't know her.

Michael

I'm moving out to the 'burbs. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.

Deangelo

Colorado! The Sunshine State.

Michael

Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.

Deangelo

Doing some skiing?

Michael

No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.

Deangelo

Well, that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.

Deangelo

Uhhh, you sir! Are we having fun tonight?

Jim

Having a great time.

Deangelo

Oh good!

Jim

Thanks, yeah.

Deangelo

Where were you on September 11th?

Michael

No! God!