Lincoln quotes from The Loud House

[as he and his siblings get a call from Lincoln] Sounds like your favorite dad's seasonal aches and pain are back, too.

Guess it's gonna become another year apart.

Actually, that's exactly what I was calling about. What if everybody thinks I told you a real time for us to spend Christmas together this year?

[takes Shane's phone] And what if I told you, goldfish speak fluent Portuguese? [realizes what Lincoln meant as everyone reacts confused] I hope we were just saying things. Are you serious? Christmas together must feel amazing.

Yep. I call it Operation See You on the Brother Side. Phase one: Get our favorite dads in the same place. Another time to put in a real call to Gramps.

Rita

[lugging a giant fish; deadpan] This must be from Gramps.

Lynn Sr.

[yelps as Rita holds the giant fish in his face; the fish then regurgitates out a letter; reading] "Set sail on the SS Gramps. Won't you join me for Christmas at Camp Mastodon? Please RSVP in enclosed pre-stamped flounder." [the giant fish regurgitates a flounder] Oh, dear! [elated] Christmas with Dad? Oh, heck yes!

Rita

[clears throat] What about your bad back, dear?

Lynn Sr.

[remembering that] You know, I-I'm feeling a lot better for now, I am. It's... It's a Christmas miracle!

Lori

[texting on her phone] Texting cousins, "Dad bought it." Oh, Shelby's typing. [Texts from Shelby appear] Santa emoji, foot emoji, thumbs-up emoji. Sounds like Uncle Lance bought it too.

Yes!

[walking up to each other's faces] What're you doing here?! I asked you first! DAD!

Don't be mad at Gramps. This was our idea. We hope you might only come if your favorite brother weren't.

It's another time two of you bury the spatula once and for all. What do you say?

Lynn Sr.

Okay. Everyone in the van!

Yeah! We're going back home, too!

Luan

Wait. Two of you need to stay. Consider it an early Christmas present to us.

Um, that may not become one of mine if not. [looks at her twin]

Honey, it's Christmas Eve. Remember our own mantra.

I am strong here. [point to Lance's bicep] I am strong here. [try to point to their heads] And I'm strong here. [try to point to his heart]

[inhaling calmly] Fine, but I'm not happy about it.

Lynn Sr.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm happy about it.

Rita

[fed up] Great. You're unhappy. At least you need to have that in common.

[also fed up as Rita walks up to her] Oh, well.

Rita

So they haven't just changed, but it's good to see you! [she and Sharon hug]

You, too!

Okay, it's going about as well as I expected. Now for Phase Two: Family Christmas Activities. Once our favorite dads get in the holiday spirit, they'll totally just forget about their favorite fights.

Never underestimate the power of Christmas.

Luna

Well, that was a total bust, dudes.

I think they hate themselves for now.

Ah, fish paste. You minnows warm up in here. I'm going to go get us a tree for the mess hall cuz I want to go get us a tree for the mess hall. [gets his jacket, which is beside old photo of him and his own favorite sons, actually getting along with themselves in the forest] Your favorite dads helped me pick one out. [shows Lincoln the photo] It was our own favorite Christmas tradition. But, uh, well, this year, I don't think that's happening.

[looks at the photo and thinks, then suddenly gets an idea] What if we make it happen? Maybe this will just become one thing that brings them together.

Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever.

[suddenly notices a spider on the fireplace while putting up the garland] AH! SPIDER! [grabs his brother's spatula out of the fruitcake and smashes it against the mantle, trying to kill the spider, thus bending it]

Lynn Sr.

[freaks out when he saw that his brother accidentally damaged his spatula as he returns from the kitchen] Ah! My new spatula! [suddenly remembers what they were fighting about, seething with fury]

[to the viewers] Um, maybe I spoke too soon.

Lynn Sr.

[swipes back his beloved spatula; infuriated to his brother] You did that on purpose!

Did not!

Lynn Sr.

Did too!

[slightly annoyed] Quit being a weenie! It's just a dumb kitchen utensil.

Lynn Sr.

[now standing next to his brother's exercise ball] Oh, yeah?! Well I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh?

[gasps] You mustn't harm the the Ab Blaster, this thing's 5000!

Lynn Sr.

Well, what can I say? We "weenies" are unpredictable. [tries to pop the ball with the spatula, only for it to bounce off and hit him in the face, then rips it with his own teeth instead]

Rita

[covering Lily's eyes; shocked with anger] Lynn!

[grabs a gingerbread cookie off the tray] Say goodbye to gingerbread you! [bites the head off of the cookie, making Lynn Sr. grab his throat in horror]

[covering Shiloh's own eyes; also shocked with anger] Lance!

Lynn Sr.

Say goodbye to… [tries to pick up Lance's kettlebell, but it's too heavy] Okay, not that. Ah-ha! [grabs the "ENDURE-LANCE" ornament from the tree, throws it on the ground, and stomps on it]

[sees a present; reads label] "For Lynn." Ha! Not today, Santa! [soccer-kicks the present right out the open window, sending it miles into the forest] GOAL!

Actually, that was for Lynn Jr.

[blasting his air horn in irritation, stopping the fighting] For the love of Neptune, enough! Can't we just have a nice, quiet Loud Christmas?

Lynn Sr.

I am not having Christmas with him.

I'm not having Christmas with him.

Rita

Well, we're all here for the night, so how are we going to make this work?

Lynn Sr.

[slicing a ham for his family on one side] Well, this works for me.

[slicing tofu for his family on the opposite] Works for me, more.

[sitting in the middle with a big orange stripe painted right down his middle] Yeah, not so much for me.

Lynn Sr.

Sorry, Dad, but it's only one reason to make sure you don't take sides.

[whispers to his siblings] Guys, this is the worst.

The fighting or the tofu gravy?

Hey, Dad. I'm ready to get to work and-- [screams in shock when he sees Luna, Luan, Lynn, and Lana all there, grinning] What're you folks doing here?!

The jig is up, Stinkoln! We know you're trying to get a dish named after you. And we came to beat you at your favorite game. [fist bumps with Lana]

Luna

Yeah, bro. At first we hope it was really dumb earlier, but then I realize, people trying to order a Moon Goat cheese salad may just feel really good for the band.

Luan

And there's nothing fishy about a Luan-chovy pizza.

I think a dessert called the Ba-Lana split sounds very yummy.

I just wanna win another thing.

Lynn Sr.

[emerges from the kitchen and hugs all of four of his own favorite daughters together] Look at my own favorite daughters, who also want to spend another time with their own old man and learn about the restaurant biz.

[in unison] Definitely.

Luna

[in unison] Totally.

Lynn Sr.

[shocked at his favorite restaurant's messy appearance from the siblings' food fight] My favorite restaurant! My livelihood! [to his kids; upset] I can't believe you kids! [then turns to Kotaro and Grant; sharped] And you, Kotaro and Grant, I need to expect this behavior from my own children, but not from you!

What?

Lynn Sr.

[covers both of their mouths] You know what? You can forget about winning Employee of the Month, for now! [takes off his cooking hat as he tries to storm off to the kitchen] Neither of you deserve it!

Wait, Dad, this is our own fault. Grant and Kotaro were only breaking up our own food fight.

Luna

Yeah. The five of us got so caught up in trying to win Employee of the Month, and we lost another control.

Lynn Sr.

[gasps in realization] That's what you folks have been up to a few days? Trying to win that award?

[sighs as he and four of his own favorite sisters nod their heads yes in guilt] Yes, but we definitely don't deserve it.

Luna

But Grant and Kotaro do!

STOP! If I keep this up, I'm going to need a coffin for real.

Well, if you're not gonna work for us anymore, we want our money back!

Yeah!

Figure it out, Lincoln!

[groans] You guys are right. I never should have borrowed money that I couldn't pay back. [looks at his David Steele action figure, sadly] I know what I have to do.

[takes the first bite of his spaghetti and notices something off, his face turns red after he swallows] Uh, does this marinara sauce taste different to anyone?

[realizes] Wait, yeah. Something is off. And that something is… spicy?! [his face also turns red, and so does Rusty] Ah! Very spicy! Why is it so spicy?!

[blasting steam out of his ears] Hoowie. I can feel it, y'all!

[lifts up his shirt as his stomach growls] The beast is angry!

Let me get this straight. You set up this whole thing just to test us for an elective class you're teaching?

Yup.

[sits down on the floor] Uh, I think I need to lie down. [lies down]

Buckle up, you have ten more weeks of this. And I've got some doozies planned. [the Action News Team groan and pass out] Oh, uh, word of advice, don't eat the meatloaf tomorrow.

[to the viewers] It's a big day in the Loud House. Lori's taking a gap year from college and moving back home while she decides to remember if golf is really the future. Which is awesome because Lori's always kinda been the glue that holds us together. Even Mr. Grouse is psyched.

Hey, Louds! I found these old clubs while cleaning out my garage. Maybe Lori can help me practice my swing.

This is terrible!

The worst!

It stinks!

We just got Lori back. We can't lose her again so fast. There has to be some way to get her to stay.

We can lock her in a coffin in the basement.

Or use the numbing properties of jellyfish venom to incapacitate her. [accidentally drops the venom on her left foot, causing her to collapse on the floor due to her leg getting numbed]

Wait, Lori said she was gonna find a realtor. But what if we find her a realtor who only shows her the worst possible places to live?

How are we supposed to pull that off?

Lori

[weeping] Let's face it, this living situation is so not working out. But there are, like, zero apartments avail. Maybe taking a gap year was a mistake. [sniffles sadly, then notices all her siblings looking guilty and groan nervously; confused] Why is everyone exchanging guilty looks?

Lori, there's something we need to tell you. This is all our fault. Sunny Holmes isn't real. She's Luan.

Lori

[yelling in strong fury; Lily tumbles off the sofa like a tumbleweed] WH-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-T?! [angrily grabs Lincoln by the collar and pulls him up to her face; demanding] Explain, now!

We were so excited when we thought you were moving back, and we didn't want to lose you again. So we sabotaged your apartment hunt. We're really sorry.

Lori

[sighs as she calmly puts her brother down] Classic. I should have known.

Luan

Oh, don't blame yourself. I gave an extremely realistic performance. In fact, I just sold Cheryl and Meryl a lakefront vacation house.

I guess we didn't realize how hard it would be for you to live at home again. Please don't give up on Royal Woods. New plan: We'll find you a legit realtor. Right, guys?

[to the viewers] It's the potluck at Sunset Canyon, which I love, because they always serve my favorite meal: One of everything!

How long?

Ooh, lots of weekends!

[walking over] It's potluck night. Why don't you folks need to have plates full of foods?

We're not eating foods here until accidents happen.

[off-screen] Dessert!