[Both sides of the Loud family arrive at Camp Mastodon to spend the holiday with Leonard, but Lynn Sr. and Lance are not thrilled to see themselves]
LSLynn Sr. & Lance
[walking up to each other's faces] What're you doing here?! I asked you first! DAD!
[Leonard chuckles nervously]
Don't be mad at Gramps. This was our idea. We hope you might only come if your favorite brother weren't.
It's another time two of you bury the spatula once and for all. What do you say?
Okay. Everyone in the van!
LLance
Yeah! We're going back home, too!
Wait. Two of you need to stay. Consider it an early Christmas present to us.
Um, that may not become one of mine if not. [looks at her twin]
Honey, it's Christmas Eve. Remember our own mantra.
BBoth
I am strong here. [point to Lance's bicep] I am strong here. [try to point to their heads] And I'm strong here. [try to point to his heart]
LLance
[inhaling calmly] Fine, but I'm not happy about it.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm happy about it.
[fed up] Great. You're unhappy. At least you need to have that in common.
[The adult Loud brothers turn away from themselves and go their separate ways]
[also fed up as Rita walks up to her] Oh, well.
So they haven't just changed, but it's good to see you! [she and Sharon hug]
[The Loud siblings and cousins all hug, excited to see themselves]
Okay, it's going about as well as I expected. Now for Phase Two: Family Christmas Activities. Once our favorite dads get in the holiday spirit, they'll totally just forget about their favorite fights.
SSSweater Santa
Never underestimate the power of Christmas.
Hey, boys, I think I found the perfect tree! [starts to chop it down with his own axe]
LLance
[smiling to his brother; remembering a happier time] Do you remember the time that tree accidentally started to fall on Vanzilla?
[Flashback to when they were kids; Leonard chops down a tree, and it wobbles before landing on top of Vanzilla, much to his disheartening, but the boys chuckle amusingly]
[voice-over on another flashback to when they were teenagers] Oh, oh, or how about the great squirrel incident?
[Leonard chops down a tree, that's occupied by a family of squirrels, who are not too happy with him, and they start attacking him while the teenage brothers swat each other, laughing]
LLance
[voice-over on another flashback to when they were young adults] You know, nothing beats that time we accidentally chopped down that telephone pole.
[Leonard accidentally chops down a telephone pole, mistaking it for a tree, which then falls into the other poles like dominoes, knocking them all over, and killing the power in the camp; the young adult brothers cringe, but laugh, as usual]
[remembering] Oh, we didn't have phone service for a month.
Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever.
LLance
[suddenly notices a spider on the fireplace while putting up the garland] AH! SPIDER! [grabs his brother's spatula out of the fruitcake and smashes it against the mantle, trying to kill the spider, thus bending it]
[freaks out when he saw that his brother accidentally damaged his spatula as he returns from the kitchen] Ah! My new spatula! [suddenly remembers what they were fighting about, seething with fury]
[Leonard and the kids all cringe]
[to the viewers] Um, maybe I spoke too soon.
[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2, Lance tries to fix the spatula, making it look as good as new]
[swipes back his beloved spatula; infuriated to his brother] You did that on purpose!
LLance
[slightly annoyed] Quit being a weenie! It's just a dumb kitchen utensil.
[now standing next to his brother's exercise ball] Oh, yeah?! Well I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh?
LLance
[gasps] You mustn't harm the the Ab Blaster, this thing's 5000!
Well, what can I say? We "weenies" are unpredictable. [tries to pop the ball with the spatula, only for it to bounce off and hit him in the face, then rips it with his own teeth instead]
[Lance reacts in shock and remembers what their fight was about, groaning in fury]
[covering Lily's eyes; shocked with anger] Lynn!
LLance
[grabs a gingerbread cookie off the tray] Say goodbye to gingerbread you! [bites the head off of the cookie, making Lynn Sr. grab his throat in horror]
[covering Shiloh's own eyes; also shocked with anger] Lance!
Say goodbye to… [tries to pick up Lance's kettlebell, but it's too heavy] Okay, not that. Ah-ha! [grabs the "ENDURE-LANCE" ornament from the tree, throws it on the ground, and stomps on it]
LLance
[sees a present; reads label] "For Lynn." Ha! Not today, Santa! [soccer-kicks the present right out the open window, sending it miles into the forest] GOAL!
Actually, that was for Lynn Jr.
[blasting his air horn in irritation, stopping the fighting] For the love of Neptune, enough! Can't we just have a nice, quiet Loud Christmas?
I am not having Christmas with him.
LLance
I'm not having Christmas with him.
Well, we're all here for the night, so how are we going to make this work?
[Later, the two adult brothers have divided the mess hall in half for their families to have Christmas dinner on both sides]
[slicing a ham for his family on one side] Well, this works for me.
LLance
[slicing tofu for his family on the opposite] Works for me, more.
[sitting in the middle with a big orange stripe painted right down his middle] Yeah, not so much for me.
Sorry, Dad, but it's only one reason to make sure you don't take sides.
[Two adult Loud brothers put on their winter clothes before heading out to rescue Lincoln, Lori and Shelby from the frozen river]
You know, this is your fault, Lance. If you hadn't acted like a jerk before earlier, the kids never should pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt and the kids never would pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt!
LLance
[offended] Oh, I was born to act like the jerk? You are the other person who--
Stop! This is no time for arguing and fighting!
Rita's wright, Rita's correct, you need to go rescue the kids. Hurry, please!
[Two adult brothers run for the door, but feel stuck in it]
Oh, for trout's sake. [shoves them out the door]
[Lincoln and his father show up at the dock]
[inhales deeply and sighs] Smell that beautiful lake air, son?
[inhales deeply, then gags] Ugh. It smells really… [gets hit by a swinging fish and lands on the dock with his back before Lynn Sr. helps him get back up] Fishy.
LSLance & Shiloh
[also showing up] Louds!
LLLincoln & Lynn Sr.
Louds!
[Shiloh happily tackles his cousin and the two adult brothers fist bump]
Louds! I'm so excited to catch some fish and family bonding on this trip! [hugs his adult sons and grandsons tightly]
Us too! [kneels down to Lincoln and Shiloh along with his brother] You know, boys, when Lance and I were kiddos, Gramps was always out at sea, earning a living. We never went on fishing trips.
But now I get to make up for lost time. I'm just so… [starts to sob] Ding-dang, happy to have you all back in my life.
[Slaps his face] "Get a hold of yourself, man! He's GONE!"
[groans] "I guess I'll have to start over. Luan, can you tell your uncle to be more careful with his weights?"
[Luan turns to Uncle Lance who's above the restaurant]
[shouting to Uncle Lance with her head tilted back] "UNCLE LANCE!!! CAN YOU BE MORE CAREFUL WITH YOUR WEIGHTS?!"
LLance
[pokes his head through the hole when he heard her] "Whoa, whoops! Oh-ho! Gosh, sorry. I Guess I don't know my own strength, huh? JK, I do, and it's impressive."
[Lynn Sr. finds his brother doing high-knees on the bleachers at the football field, attempting to apologize to him for trying to sabotage his gym and deceiving him]
LLance
[annoyed] "Oh, joy. You found me."
"Well, this is where you always came when you were mad as a kid. Wouldn't be that hard to find."
LLance
"Pfft, well, you can leave, okay, because I don't want to talk."
"Lance, I'm sorry. [follows him] I-I should've told you the truth! But we were... [pants] getting along so well, I... I didn't... [wheezes] didn't try to mess that up... [exhausted] Oh, vision...going...blurry..." [sits down to catch his breath]
LLance
"Many years ago, I hereby might've remembered something incorrect if you folks here said a bit of it wasn't working out anymore. Your lying and sneaking around is what hurt the most. It was like a charley horse, but in my heart!"
"You're right. I acted like a ding-dang ding-dong. [holds his neck] Whoo, heh, pulse is not slowing down." [chuckles]
LLance
"Well, from now on, just be honest with me. If I can bench press four hundred pounds, I can handle the truth."
"I will. [tears up] Promise."
LLance
[also tears up] "Well, bring it in, then, big guy!"
[Morning at the Loud House in Petoskey Falls; Lance is eating a stack pancakes and Sharon drinks her coffee, while Shelby, in a light-pink cloak, rushes under the table, scurries into the doorway behind her mother and runs into the kitchen, then opens a drawer of kitchen supplies and pulls out a colander]
You can see me? Huh, this invisibility cape isn't working. Well, don't mind me. I'm just borrowing stuff for my Orcs, Horks, Wizards, and Pork campaign later. This colander would make a great helmet! [runs off into the next room]
[takes out her phone as it buzzes while Lance drinks his coffee; shocked with horror] Oh, no. One of my students is having a yoga-mergency!
LLance
[glances at the phone and spits out his coffee; horrified] Yeesh! I didn't see the human's favorite body bending that manner.
Oh, it can't. I must go help her. Ugh, but I'm supposed to drive Shelby to Royal Woods for that "Orc, Bork, Pork" thing.
LLance
I can drive the Shelbster. It'll give me a chance to get some much-needed daddy-daughter reps in. I feel like we're not connecting, you know, like we used to. [gazes at the photo of his younger self holding up a younger Shelby on the refrigerator] It used to be so much easier when she was little.
Ohhh, don't worry, baby. I'm sure that after today, you two will be closer than my head and my feet in hedgehog pose! [curls up like a hedgehog and rolls off-screen]
[Lance and Shelby arrive at Tall Timbers Park in Royal Woods for the Orcs, Horks, Wizards, and Pork, and find Lynn Sr. and Lincoln there, too]
Be that my favorite brother and favorite niece?
Lincoln! Uncle Lynn! [runs over to her favorite cousin and uncle, all hugging happily]
LLance
Sweet bathrobe, little bro.
Nae, good sir. 'Tis a magic cloak, for I am Hamdalf the Wise. And this is my apprentice, Spare Rib. Ahh, I see you're traveling with the Pork Ranger!
Verily! I be a half-orc archer whose prosciutto arrows have slain many a foe! Now to come up with your character, Dad.
[runs over to his father along with Shelby when he comes out of a bush, dazed and groaning] Hamdalf! What happened?
[ashamed] Forgive me, companions. Dumbleboar didn't send me on a quest to faraway lands to seek the gem, yet I have failed.
[confused] "Faraway lands"?
Verily. I had to cross I-75!
[turns to her father; shocked] Were you trying to get rid of Uncle Lynn?
LLance
[nonchalantly] It was just a misunderstanding.
[off-screen] You, sir, are a cheater! [comes out of another bush, his hands and feet are tied up with sausages and his wizard costume is gone] This monster broke out of the stocks and tied me up in sausage!
[Lynn Sr. gasp in shock]
[hurt] That's not true, Dad. Is it?
LLance
[as Kotaro and Harold glare at him; hesitantly] No, it's n-- [stammers] I don't know. I di-I didn't...
[fuming angrily at him for sabotaging the game and deceiving her] Thanks for ruining the game! [runs away]
LLance
Shelby! Wait! [sighs in disappointment to himself as everyone else walks away and comes up to his brother] Well, you win. Shelby officially likes you better.
[confused] What are you talking about?
LLance
I came here to connect with Shelby, but instead, she ends up connecting with you. Thanks, Hambone.
Okay, it's "Hamdalf," and I'm not your problem. You are.
LLance
And what is that supposed to mean?
You haven't been listening to Shelby all day. You've just been doing what you want. This game might seem silly and ridiculous to you, but it's important to her.
LLance
[touched by the wise words] Huh. Wow, you are so right. You really are Hamdalf the Wise. I know what I have to do.
LLance
Yikes. I overheard. [kneels down to comfort Lynn] I'm sorry, LJ. You okay?
I don't understand what went wrong. I was just trying to make their lives better, but it's like they don't even want six-pack abs.
LLance
Well, I think that's the problem. Six-pack abs are your goal, not theirs. Look, not everyone is gonna a tri-athlete like you and me, but getting to exercise, even a little, is a big win.
Yeah, but I made them hate it.
The Loud House · 632 quotes
