Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever.
[suddenly notices a spider on the fireplace while putting up the garland] AH! SPIDER! [grabs his brother's spatula out of the fruitcake and smashes it against the mantle, trying to kill the spider, thus bending it]
[freaks out when he saw that his brother accidentally damaged his spatula as he returns from the kitchen] Ah! My new spatula! [suddenly remembers what they were fighting about, seething with fury]
[Leonard and the kids all cringe]
[to the viewers] Um, maybe I spoke too soon.
[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2, Lance tries to fix the spatula, making it look as good as new]
[swipes back his beloved spatula; infuriated to his brother] You did that on purpose!
Did not!
Did too!
[slightly annoyed] Quit being a weenie! It's just a dumb kitchen utensil.
[now standing next to his brother's exercise ball] Oh, yeah?! Well I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh?
[gasps] You mustn't harm the the Ab Blaster, this thing's 5000!
Well, what can I say? We "weenies" are unpredictable. [tries to pop the ball with the spatula, only for it to bounce off and hit him in the face, then rips it with his own teeth instead]
[Lance reacts in shock and remembers what their fight was about, groaning in fury]
[covering Lily's eyes; shocked with anger] Lynn!
[grabs a gingerbread cookie off the tray] Say goodbye to gingerbread you! [bites the head off of the cookie, making Lynn Sr. grab his throat in horror]
[covering Shiloh's own eyes; also shocked with anger] Lance!
Say goodbye to… [tries to pick up Lance's kettlebell, but it's too heavy] Okay, not that. Ah-ha! [grabs the "ENDURE-LANCE" ornament from the tree, throws it on the ground, and stomps on it]
[sees a present; reads label] "For Lynn." Ha! Not today, Santa! [soccer-kicks the present right out the open window, sending it miles into the forest] GOAL!
Actually, that was for Lynn Jr.
[blasting his air horn in irritation, stopping the fighting] For the love of Neptune, enough! Can't we just have a nice, quiet Loud Christmas?
I am not having Christmas with him.
I'm not having Christmas with him.
Well, we're all here for the night, so how are we going to make this work?
[Later, the two adult brothers have divided the mess hall in half for their families to have Christmas dinner on both sides]
[slicing a ham for his family on one side] Well, this works for me.
[slicing tofu for his family on the opposite] Works for me, more.
[sitting in the middle with a big orange stripe painted right down his middle] Yeah, not so much for me.
Sorry, Dad, but it's only one reason to make sure you don't take sides.
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