Riley(answering doorbell) It's a nigga in a purple suit!
(Cristal hides as Robert walks to the door)
My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and I believe I may have misplaced some merchandise at this residence. There she is. (to Cristal) Bitch I hope you got the moneys to cover this little vacation you've been takin'.
No, that's "A Pimp Named Slickback."
That's what I said - "Slickback."
No no!, It's "A Pimp Named Slickback," like A Tribe Called Quest, you say the whole thing: "A Pimp Named Slickback"!
Can we call you "Slickback" for short?
No, nigga! I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback!"
Cristal, who is this person?
NIGGA ARE YOU DEAF? I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback"! Say it with me now!
Y-y-your pimp? So you really are a, a-
CHCristal/Huey/Riley
Yes, I'm/she's a ho!
A Pimp Named Slickback, can at least have a minute?
A minute?! (short chuckle in disbelief) Let us pray the pimp's prayer. (church organ playing) Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that she might learn a ho's place. Amen!
Riley
Amen! Yeah!
(A Pimp Named Slickback then draws his hand back to strike her, but Granddad's belt lashes out and catches his wrist.)
You ain't gonna hit no woman in my house!
What woman, sir? This here's a ho!
Not in this house, she's not!
[A Pimp Named Slickback looks at Robert, surprised but impressed]
Damn! Indiana Jones. I didn't know we were still whoopin', nigga. Fine. [points to Cristal as he walks out] Bitch, you got 45 seconds, then I'm leavin'. [holds up a hand, counting off] Forty-four, forty-three...
On the awkward car trip home, the song of "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor (band) is playing on the radio.
RRadio
It's The Eye Of The Tiger / It's the thrill of The Fight! / Standing up to the challenge of your rival!
(Granddad switches off the radio)
(sourly) I hate this damn song.
Riley
I can't believe you got your ass kicked by a blind man, Granddad!
My knee went out. You know I got a bad knee.
Riley
Bad knee?! That nigga had bad eyes! He couldn't see, Granddad! He beat you like a piñata! (to Huey) Yo, we should rent Granddad out for Mexican birthday parties! We can call him "Sr. Piñata"! Hola, Sr. Piñata!
Stop it, boy, stop it! Where's my belt!?
Riley
I must be blind too, cuz I sho' didn't see that ass-whuppin' comin'!
Riley
Yo, how bad you gotta telegraph yo' punches for a blind nigga to see 'em comin', Granddad?!
Riley, the man obviously had a heightened sense of hearing!
Riley
Oh, I thought Granddad had a heightened sense of falling!
Now, that's enough! Now, you just stop laughin' at your Granddaddy! What's wrong with you?
Riley
Granddad had "HIT ME" written on his forehead in braille!
I said... That's. Enough.
Riley
Okay, What you gonna do? Beat me? Maybe I should get a blindfold first; (Riley covers his eyes with his hands) Okay, I'm ready! Wait-maybe he's gonna fall on me! (Riley gets on his knees and uses his left arm to cover his eyes and his right is pointed up at Granddad to push him off if he falls on him and Riley laughs)
Riley
(on the floor now, cringing from laughter) Granddad, Rodney King just called and said, "Damn! I thought I got my ass whupped!" (Riley laughs uncontrollably until Huey kicks him and Granddad walks off in shame)
DSDHS Spokesman
And so, we're raising the Terror Alert Level to intense orange-red based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat. Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible. Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen. Suicide bomber? Hey, ya never know. But what we do know is that it's absolutely, positively gonna happen today, maybe.
(hysterical) Terrorists have my daddy!
Terrorists kidnapped my father and they're going to cut off his head in Algeria! My daddy was supposed to be home from work before school let out and he isn't here. And we're at terror alert level orange! Orange!!
Jazmine, just because your dad is late coming home from work doesn't mean that...
(Phone rings)
Riley
(answers the phone) Hello?
(frantic) Riley. Is that you? Put your brother on, it's an emergency.
Riley
What's the emergency?
(slight pause, Riley starts to laugh)
Riley
Don't drop the soap. (hangs up)
Riley
(the phone rings, and he answers it again) Yeah?
Riley
I thought you only get one phone call from jail.
(Huey grabs the phone)
Huey! I got arrested! They say I fit the description. I think it's 'cause I'm black Huey! You have to get me out of here Huey. You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail.
They'll rape you, that's what they're gonna do. But you're not in jail, you're in holding, and I don't think people usually get raped in holding; hold on. (yelling) Granddad, do people get raped in holding?
(Jazmine starts to cry)
Stop stop stop! I don't want your granddad to know. I don't want anybody to know. Listen. They can't keep people in holding over the weekend. At nine o'clock tonight, they're going to put me on a bus and send me to real jail. REAL! JAIL! Earliest I can get out would be on Monday.
Well it's just the weekend.
IT ONLY TAKES ONE NIGHT TO GET ANALLY RAPED! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find the real killer tonight.
The real killer?! Nigga, I'm 10! How am I gonna find the real killer?
Alright alright alright. Damn.
Thank yooou Huuey. Whatever you do, don't tell my baby Jazmine. I don't want her to know her daddy was somebody's biiittcch! (he starts weeping)
Was that Daddy? Where is he? Is he okay? Was he kidnapped by terrorists?
Umm... your father wants you to know he's nobodys' bitch.
Riley
So y'all was in Iraq together?
Riley
What did you do?
We was looking for weapons of mass destruction.
Riley
....Did you ever find them?
You know goddamn well we ain't find 'em. What are you some kinda POLITICAL HUMORIST?! You GARRY TRUDEAU up in dis bitch?!?!
I was lookin' for bitches but they had that carpet shit all over them and I couldn't see what they look like. All that was really exposed was the eyes and that wasn't enough for me, cause you know shit I'm lookin' at the eyes, the eyes be pretty and I take the carpet off and then I got a tragedy.
But nah we ain't find 'em. but I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
Riley
What?
Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean that you have evidence that something doesn't exist.
Riley
What?
Riley
What?
"What" ain't no country I ever heard of. They speak english in "What"?
Riley
What?
ENGLISH, MUTHAFUCKER!! DO YOU SPEAK IT!?
Riley
Yeah!
So you understand the words I'm sayin' to you.
Riley
Yeah!...
Well what I'm sayin' is that there are known knowns and that there are known unknowns but there's also unknown unknowns. Things we don't know that we don't know.
Riley
...What?
SAY WHAT AGAIN! SAY WHAT AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU MUTHAFUCKER! SAY WHAT ONE MORE TIME!
Riley
(narrating) I was so desperate for information on the shooting, I watched that show my brother calls "the news."
BEBlack Eyewitness Man
Oh shit! Aw, nigga, I seent it! I seent the whole thang, nigga, you shoulda seent that shit I saw...
Oh, great. Black Eyewitness Man. I hate Black Eyewitness Man!
Riley
Nigga, shush! Shh!
BEBlack Eyewitness Man
... with my own eyes, nigga. Damn, that shit was crazy, nigga! I seen everything! [his cellphone rings, and he answers] Hold up. Nigga, that's me on TV, BABYYY!!! YEAH, NIGGA, YEAH! .... no I ain't got your money, nigga.
BEBlack Eyewitness Woman
[shrieks] JESUS!!! It was terrible! I was in the club- a- I was in the club, a-and this bitch stepped on my shoe, and I was like, "BITCH!" And then some nigga started shootin'. I was like "There he go! He done fucked it up for everybody!"
Riley
(narrating) So, what had happened was Gangstalicious was doing a show in town when three men rushed the stage and shot him. Ironically, he was doing his new joint "I Got Shot" at the time.
CCrowd
(repeating) I got shot!
(Three men rush the stage and shoot Gangstalicious.)
CCrowd
(still repeating) I got shot!
CCrowd
I got shot for real!
No goddammit, I got shot! Niggas shot me! I'm bleedin'! I'ma die! Somebody please, help me, help me... (he faints)
CCrowd
No goddammit, I got shot! Niggas shot me! (fades into mumbling)
Riley (narrating) It was 45 minutes before anyone called an ambulance.
(men are shooting at them) WE GONNA DIE!
Riley
Run nigga! (they run) Where's your gun?
Oh, yeah yeah! Ya'll niggas is in for it, now! (takes out his gun, shoots feebly three times, then drops the gun and runs)
(cut to parking lot)
Riley
We need a car. We gon' have to jack someone. Where's your gun?
Riley
You dropped the gun?
What's done is done, let's be solution oriented. (looks around and then looks at Riley) You mad?
Riley
How you gonna drop the gun, Gangstalicious? That is NOT gangsta! That's VERY not gangsta! Man, I can't believe this. YOU A FRAUD!
Oh I'm a fraud? You scared too!
Riley
I'm eight.
OKAY, FINE! FINE! WHATEVER! I'm a fraud, I'm a fraud. I'm just an average, normal dude. I DON'T WANNA DO THIS STUPID SHIT NO MORE!! I'm tired of gettin' shot. Help!
Riley
It's like going to heaven and finding God smokin' crack!
SSanta
Well hello, there. And what would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?
GGirl
I want- uh, uh... Santa, you got a red dot on your head.
(diving in slow motion) Nooooooooo!
(Riley fires the gun)
(he blocks some of the bullets) Ow! Goddamn! That had to pierce a spleen or something.
Riley
Merry Christmas nigga!
(Santa uses girl to block bullets and girl screams in pain)
GGirl
Santa, why? You ruined my childhood!
Riley
You gonna pay what you owe, Santa! You gonna pay what you owe. Running like a bitch.
(talking on his radio, panting) Backup. I need backup. I'm fat. I can't run very fast. I think I'm having a heart attack and a couple of light strokes.
Riley
(aims carefully at Santa) Merry Christmas nigga. (gun clicks) Damn.
Riley
All I'm saying is when Xzibit brings that car back you goin' be bitches.
Riley
No, no... I mean "bitches" like you gonna have so many bitches that's what niggas gonna call you. No disrespect.
No disrespect? You just called your granfather "bitches"!
Riley
Yeah, but I don't mean "bitches" in a desrespectful way. I mean it as a general word for women.
And you're gonna let him get away with this?
Riley
Granddad, I'm just sayin' you might have to change your middle name from Jebediah to Bitches. Is all I'm tryin' say. No disrespect.
Hmm, Granddad "Bitches" Freeman. Hoo, has a nice ring to it.
Riley
Shh! Did you hear that?
Riley
Shh! It's Huey's make-believe government agent in our bathroom taking a dump. (snickers)
SSarah
Hey everyone, I brought peach cobbler.
Riley
Ewww... Mrs. Dubois, your peach cobbler look like throw up.
Riley
It do! Look it look like throw up with peas in it. Mrs. Dubois, you been eatin' peas?
Boy come here; what wrong with you?
Riley
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with her? She da one who brought vomit over here in a tupperware container.
That is not vomit. It just look like vomit. Now apologize to Mrs Dubois.
SSarah
Um, i-i-it's okay... really...
Riley
Fine: Mrs. Dubois, I'm sorry your peach cobbler look like vomit with peas.
SSarah
Guys, please, you know we don't have to...
Riley
I don't care if you beat me Granddad, I won't eat it! That is disgusting! It's completely uncalled for!
You'll eat it if I have to hold you down and shove it down your throat.
SSarah
Really I didn't mean for it to be...
Riley
I know what you're tryin' do. You tryin' kill me. I hate you!
(Riley runs out the room with Granddad running after him. Scene shows Huey, Jazmine, Sarah and Tom watching Riley getting "whipped" offscreen)
You are gonna eat that cobbler and you gonna ACT LIKE YOU LIKE IT!!!
RRiley (while Granddad is talking)
I don't wanna eat the cobbler! I DON'T WANNA EAT THE COBBLER!!!
I present to you...the Luther! A full-pound burger patty covered in cheese, grilled onion, five strips of bacon, all sandwiched between-
Riley
Two donuts!
Two Krispy Kreme donuts! It's called The Luther because it was supposed to have been invented by Mr. Luther Vandross himself!
And? Where's your point? Hm?
(watches Riley take a bite of the burger) Is this one of your menus? Sausage and waffle and fried chicken breakfast lasagna?
Bacon-wrapped chitlin-stuffed catfish? Granddad, you can't serve this kind of stuff to people! It will cause... death!
Riley
(about the burger he is eating) Woah, this is what crack must feel like!
Shame on you, Huey! You move out to the suburbs, and suddenly you too good for soul food. Perhaps you would enjoy your spotted cheese in a buttered scone, white boy? (Riley passes out) Boy, boy, are you okay?! I'm sure it's just The Itis, right?
That or insulin shock! Do CPR!
Yeah, I'm not sure yellin' at him is gonna help, Granddad. How do you not know CPR?
I tried to learn CPR, but they wouldn't let me 'cause I was black.
(Huey and Riley are fighting in the kitchen)
Riley
I ain't doin' nothin', Granddad! I was just gon' go to Ed's house, and Huey said I couldn't go 'cause he a hater!
What the hell is wrong with you, Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy, that's his business!
Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!
Riley
There he go hatin' again!
What about the time when Riley and Ed were playing with a loaded shotgun, and Riley shot Ed out of a second-story window?!
(Cutscene to 'Garden Party' when Riley shot Ed out of the window)
Ohhh...that did happen, didn't it?
Riley
Okay, so just 'cause Ed believes in his Second Amendment right to bear arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the Bill of Rights, Huey?!
Okay, how about the time they stopped for gas and ended up robbing the mini-mart?!
(Cutscene to 'A Date with the Health Inspector' during the gun fight)
Riley
They was fightin' terrorism! Makin' the world safe for the freedoms that we enjoy today! That's messed up, you don't support the troops, Huey!
That is kind of messed up, Huey. (to Riley) Be back by dinner.
Riley
Ha!
Riley
It wudn't me!
OOfficer
It says, "Riley wuz here."
Riley
Well maybe it was another Riley.
OOfficer
You dropped these pictures (pictures show Riley posing in front of his graffiti), and, umm, you have paint all over your hands.
Riley, graffiti is a serious crime. Now as the assistant district attorney, I'd have to arrest you and send you to jail, and you wouldn't want that, would you?
Riley
(smirking) Nawwww, 'cause I remember when you got arrested that one time and you was cryin' 'cause you thought they were gonna rape you.
(interrupting) Well, I don't exactly remember it happening like that.
Riley
Yeah it did. The way you was talkin, they was fi'in to wear that ass out.
(interrupting) Okayyyyy... So we're all agreed that none of us want to go to jail.
Riley
And then there was somethin' about a salad, or somethin'?
(enthusiastically) Yes! Salads! For dinner! They make you eat vegetables every night and they're not... delicious... at all.
Uhhhh, is the cop here for me or Riley?
Your brother got caught spraying graffiti on... Wait, why would he be here for you?
Riley
Fine, I knew y'all was gonna find a way to blame me for this. Go ahead! Say hello to the bad guy! But a white man told me to do it.
Wait a minute, what white man? What did he look like?
Riley
White... I just assumed he was in charge.
Riley
'Cause he was white!
OOfficer
And just what did this white man look like?
Riley
He had a... who do I look like, Snitchy McRat? I don't talk to police!
Boy, you better work your mouth!
Riley
If you gonna take me to jail then take me to jail! (he holds out his wrists)
ATArt teacher
...and what the heck. Let's have some mountains and some clouds; oh, and of course some joyful little trees... right there. (turns to Riley) Isn't that beautiful? I love painting trees. What do you like to paint, Riley? Hehehheh, aside from your own name, of course.
Riley
I got in trouble 'cause a you. I thought it was yo' house.
ATArt teacher
It was my mistake. But you'll find I don't really believe in mistakes. I believe in "happy accidents." Because you got in trouble, your granddad hired me, and we are gonna have so much fun.
Riley
(looks away defiantly)
ATArt teacher
Well, Riley, I certainly don't want to keep you here if you don't want to. Your granddad wants to make sure I make you do just one drawing a day — then you can go.
Riley
I jus' gotta draw one thing?
ATArt teacher
Anything you want, heheh, have fun.
Riley
Cool. (he grabs a pencil and paper and draws something in seconds)
Riley
(walking away, sets the paper down next to the art teacher and heads toward the door)
ATArt teacher
(chuckles audibly)
Riley
(hearing chuckle, turns around) What?
ATArt teacher
Oh nothing, heheh... you're free to go.
Riley
What's funny?
ATArt teacher
Nothing, nothing at all. I'll call your granddad and tell him you're walking home.
Riley
(aggressively) I wudn't really trying, I could do better if I wanted.
ATArt teacher
(crumples up Riley's drawing) Oh I'm sure. (he throws it away)
Riley
(surprised, then angry) Hey! You ain't have to ball it up and throw it in the trash! You know what? That's disrespectful! Yo' mama shoulda raised you better. (he leaves)
ATArt teacher
(Continues to paint)
Riley
(returns and retrieves his crumpled-up drawing) I wudn't even really tryin'. (he leaves again)
I can’t believe I let Mo talk me into this.
CAunt Cookie
Well, you already here. He said he left you something nice. You might as well go on and get it over with.
CAunt Cookie
Do you know what you gonna say?
CAunt Cookie
Well, don’t worry. Just read this (she presents a piece of paper to him). Mo wrote it. He thought you might have some trouble.
(steps to the podium, starts reading the paper) Everything I have in life I owe to Mo Jackson... (looks questioningly at Aunt Cookie)
CAunt Cookie
(urges him on)
(tentatively) I have never once been gay, but Mo was a very sexy man. We used to call him "Mo bitches"? I once saw Mo in his underwear? And it changed my life? I wish I had a father like Mo Jackson. Mo Jackson paid my rent over fifty times?! ... Okay this is bullshit!
AAudience
(collectively gasps)
Mo Jackson was a asshole.
AAudience
(collectively gasps again)
Mo Jackson was a petty, immature, selfish man. Oh, he was good at one thing: that’s bringin’ the worst out of everybody he met. I came up here because I thought Mo wanted to make things right. But it was just one more chance for him to make a fool out of me. (he walks off stage; people start murmuring amongst themselves)
MSMan Sitting At a Table
Yeah, that damn nigga owed me five dollars!
DDewey
(takes the microphone) Brothers, sisters… please. I think it’s time for a poem: Doom comes like a vacuum, ‘cause death sucks and smells like a raccoon or a baboon... Death kills us like crack killed Pooky... Like Schwarzenegger killed Tookie. Chewbacca was a wookie. Revolution.
[The audience sits in silent, stunned confusion.]
Riley
Booo... Hey! "Erykah BaDewey"! That was real gay, my nigga! Cut that out!
What’s wrong with you Cairo?! That nigga’s corny.
CCairo
Corny? Nigga, you’re corny. At least he’s here! Why don’t you follow your punk-ass granddaddy back to Whitesville? Fake nigga?
[Huey punches Cairo in the face and the two start fighting; Dewey looks nervously at Riley and flees from the podium]
Riley
[Chasing after him] Don't run, nigga, I see you!
(pondering) Let's see... I want a... umm...
(cut to female customer)
FCFemale customer
(speaking quickly) I'll take two small lemonades with ice, two small lemonades without ice, three large lemonades — one with ice, one with no ice, one with crushed ice...
(cut back to Granddad)
You guys have aaummmmmm... uh... hmmm...
(cut to Riley)
Riley
(slaps some change on the counter) That's all I got.
Riley
That's all I got! Make it work, I'm thirsty!
Riley
I ain't got no dollar! It's hot as hell out here, man, jus hook me up! All the money I spend up in this place? This some ol' bullshit!
Lemonade... is... a... DOLLAR!
(cut back to Granddad)
Hmm... Do you guys have anything other than lemonade?
(stares annoyingly at him)
(cut to Huey)
Jazmine, this is stupid. You're bein' exploited.
You'll never get anywhere in this world without doing a fair day's work for a fair day's pay.
Jazmine, Ed's never gonna give you that pony!
(cut to Tom)
Peaches, I think it's time you come inside.
Can't talk, Dad, makin' lemonade.
Come on, honey, I want you inside now.
ACAnnoyed customer one
I have been waiting twenty minutes for this lemonade.
ACAnnoyed customer two
I'm thirsty!
(approaching Tom) What's the problem?
Mr. Wuncler, ya know, yesterday I thought this was cute, but, don't you think you guys are taking this a little far?
Jazmine can leave whenever she wants, but Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony will have to be put down.
He's your pony now. Your percentage was supposed to pay for his food and upkeep. Now he'll starve to death in a puddle of his own feces.
(obligedly) Oh come on... Mr. Wuncler...
I don't wanna leave, Mr. Wuncler! Please, Daddy, don't make me leave!
(pulling Tom aside) There you have it. You know the name of the game; your daughter chose me. Now we can handle this like some gentlemen, or we can get into some old gangster shit.
(nervous, goes back to Jazmine) Okay, best of luck, honey! (he scurries away)
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
