HHuey
(narrating) I am not a prophet, but sometimes I have prophetic dreams, like the one where I was at a garden party.
HHuey
Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the Devil, and the government is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night.
(The people suddenly erupt into a riot. Huey wakes up, and is immediately smacked by Granddad.)
Mmm-hmm! You havin' that dream where you made the white people riot, weren't you?
HHuey
But I was tellin' the truth!
How many times have I told you, you better not even dream about tellin' white folk the truth! You understand me? (walks away) Shoot. Makin' white people riot. You better learn how to lie like me! I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now.
[about the R. Kelly sex tape] Riley, it was a little girl!
Oh, I saw that girl. She ain't little. I'm little.
And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far.
But what about the victim?
Oh, yes, the victim. At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation?
I see piss comin', I move.
She saw piss comin', she stayed.
And why should I miss out on the next R. Kelly album just for that? [walks away]
HHuey
Man, you just got beat by an eight-year old.
[from afar] And, if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'll piss on yo' cat!
Interior scene, supermarket. Robert Freeman is browsing a shelf while grocery shopping.
HHuey
My grandfather, Robert Jebediah Freeman, after a lifetime of odd adventures and strange mishaps, decided to spend his last days in the warm embrace of suburbia. So he moved to his perfect house in his prefect neighborhood. But he was still searching for his perfect woman. For what reason, I have no idea.
It's shown that Granddad is looking at male enhancement pills. His concentration is interrupted by a tantruming white child breaking something.
HHerbert
I WANT CANDY! Damn it, I hate you! You're ruining my life, bitch! CANDY! I want candy!
HSHerbert's Mom
[sheepishly trying to interrupt] Please, Herbert, remember our agreement. We have an agreement for how we behave in the store, Herbert!
Herbert smashes another full glass jar of jam on the ground.
HHerbert
Give me candy, give me candy! I! WANT! CANDYYYYYYY! I want candy and marshmallows! Give it to me, give it to me!
As this happens, various other customers in the store look on with expressions of concern, pity and annoyance.
HSHerbert's Mom
[sobbing] Herbert... Oh!
HHerbert
[continuing in background] And I want pasta, and none of that Chef Boyardee crap!
Hmm, he sure looks like a handful.
HSHerbert's Mom
When he gets like this, I just don't know how to make him stop.
HHerbert
I WANT CANDY AND MARSHMALLOWS! I want candy and marshmallows!
Herbert topples an entire shelf over, destroying several products.
Have you ever tried beatin' his ass?
Herbert is about to break a box of 32 eggs, but pauses when he notices Granddad remove his belt and give it to his mother. Tense music plays.
HHerbert
[softly] What's...with the belt?
Herbert looks on in fear. Granddad briefly demonstrates how to use the belt as a whip. Herbert tries to run, but his mother leaps after him and begins whipping the screaming Herbert offscreen. Granddad looks on with pride.
HSHerbert's Mom
The nerve! ...of you! ...in front of these people! YOU MUSTA LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND!
The other customers before are now looking on with expressions of approval and amusement.
HHerbert
[wailing] Mom, stop!
Not many men would stop to help a women in need.
Well, uh... I guess I just hate to see a child go unbeaten.
I'm Cristal, like the champagne.
HHuey
Yeah... I'd rather not.
My name's Cristal, like the champagne.
HHuey
Well, that sounds like a stripper name. Cristal, like the champagne, might you be a stripper?
And just what do you know about strippers, little man?
HHuey
Not much, but I do know they're usually named after liquor.
I just love grocery stores in rich neighborhoods. Much better stuff. Check out this special French whipped cream. It's edible.
WCWoman Customer
$153, 12 cents is your total. Will this be cash or charge?
HHuey
Granddad, have you asked yourself why a 20-year-old girl would want to go out with a man your age?
Because I laid my game down quite flat.
Game? What you know about the game Granddad?
Takin' women out to eat? Givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that? You takin' her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. The fam ain't eatin' cheddar biscuits, but this random broad is eatin' cheddar biscuits.
(turns away from the mirror) I know the game. Your grandaddy knows the game.
Game recognize game, Granddad.
(gets in Riley's face) I recognize game. Your granddaddy recognize game.
Game recognize game, and you lookin' kinda unfamiliar right now. I... I can't... where's Granddad? Can I help you sir?
(stares at Riley for a while) I ain't got time to mess around with y'all. I gotta date. Get out the way. (he walks off screen)
(follows him off screen) Don't do it Granddad! Don't feed her!
(O.S.) Come on, now, stop. Get off my leg.
(weeping O.S.) Don't feed her the cheddar biscuits! Noooo!
(O.S.) Don't try to hold me back. What the hell? Get off me, boy. What's wrong with you?
(playing PS2 with Riley) What's up now?
Why you keep doin' the same move?
Where yo game at? Where yo game at?
My 'X' button ain't workin.
Hey, look! I'm pressin' it! You SEE me pressin' it! You cheat!
Bitch, your game is garbage. (she jumps up in the air) I'm Cristal, bitch! Who's next?
Fake ass Mariah Carey! (he throws the controller and runs away crying)
That's how nasty my game is, son. (to Huey) I send niggas runnin' away.
What? A full day's supply of Vitamin C.
HHuey
Granddad, that woman has got to go.
Miss Cristal is my beautiful baby boo, and you will show her some respect.
HHuey
Granddad, we don't know anything about Ms. Cristal. I mean, we know she spends all your money, we know she eats more than a black hole...
WE KNOW SHE CHEAT AT PLAYSTATION!
HHuey
But where does she live? What does she do for a living?
HHuey
Okay, Cristal. We need to have a talk.
Before you start, I just want to say how much fun it's been hanging out with you guys. Think of me as a big sister you always wanted.
HHuey
Don't take this the wrong way, but... I need you get the hell up out of here.
HHuey
You're kind of a lazy ho?
HHuey
I don't know why my granddad can't see.
To be honest, me either. It's so obvious. But it's okay, because I'm in a transitional period...
HHuey
[interrupting] Ah-ah-ah! I don't care. You gotta go.
[takes out a cigarette and lights it] I can't do that.
You guys have the life. And I want to have the life, too.
HHuey
Yeah, but it's our life. We're his family.
Oh, so now we get to what this is really about! I'm not one of y'all, I'm not in the family, I don't carry his genes... so, I have to go?
HHuey
Uh, yeah. Plus, you're a lazy ho.
"Ho" is a strong term. Right now, I'm somewhere between "anatomical sales associate" and "high maintenance girlfriend." Can't you be positive about my growth?
HHuey
Cristal, every part of you bein' here is unacceptable. Do you realize I'm doing prostitute laundry? Do you have any idea HOW DISGUSTING THAT IS?!
[puts out cigarette] Look, this is an adjustment for everyone. But it's what your grandfather wants. You can't get rid of me. I can do things to persuade your granddad that you can't do.
HHuey
Like what? [thinks for a second] Never mind, I don't want to know.
(answering doorbell) It's a nigga in a purple suit!
(Cristal hides as Robert walks to the door)
My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and I believe I may have misplaced some merchandise at this residence. There she is. (to Cristal) Bitch I hope you got the moneys to cover this little vacation you've been takin'.
No, that's "A Pimp Named Slickback."
That's what I said - "Slickback."
No no!, It's "A Pimp Named Slickback," like A Tribe Called Quest, you say the whole thing: "A Pimp Named Slickback"!
Can we call you "Slickback" for short?
No, nigga! I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback!"
Cristal, who is this person?
NIGGA ARE YOU DEAF? I'm "A Pimp Named Slickback"! Say it with me now!
Y-y-your pimp? So you really are a, a-
CHCristal/Huey/Riley
Yes, I'm/she's a ho!
A Pimp Named Slickback, can at least have a minute?
A minute?! (short chuckle in disbelief) Let us pray the pimp's prayer. (church organ playing) Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that she might learn a ho's place. Amen!
(A Pimp Named Slickback then draws his hand back to strike her, but Granddad's belt lashes out and catches his wrist.)
You ain't gonna hit no woman in my house!
What woman, sir? This here's a ho!
Not in this house, she's not!
[A Pimp Named Slickback looks at Robert, surprised but impressed]
Damn! Indiana Jones. I didn't know we were still whoopin', nigga. Fine. [points to Cristal as he walks out] Bitch, you got 45 seconds, then I'm leavin'. [holds up a hand, counting off] Forty-four, forty-three...
(Two young black men bump into each other walking down the street)
G1Guy 1
Watch where you walkin' nigga.
G2Guy 2
Ey, what you say, nigga?
HHuey
(Narrating) Watch closely. You're about to experience a "nigga moment." Webster defines the "nigga moment" as a moment where ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical negro male...
(The men pull out guns and point them at each other)
G1Guy 1
What did you say, bitch nigga?
G2Guy 2
Hey squeeze it, nigga!
HHuey
...Causing them to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner. I.E., like a nigga.
(The two men continue shouting at each other, then shoot at each other, missing every shot despite being right next to each other)
HHuey
Nigga moments are unpredictable...
G2Guy 2
Hey wait man, wait! This is stupid!
G1Guy 1
Hey you right, dog. Look, let's put the guns away and go on about our business.
(Police officers shoot both men down)
HHuey
...but they all end up bad. If they had their own category, nigga moments would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A.. It's a fact. Now let's see how a nigga moment affects a white man.
(One of the black men from the first example bumps into a white man)
WGWhite Guy
(muttering) Prick.
BGBlack Guy
Watch where you walking, bitch!
WGWhite Guy
What did you…wait a minute…haha, I'm white, hahahahaha! (he walks away)
BGBlack Guy
Where you going!? Don't you ignore me! This is a perfectly good moment to throw your life away!
HHuey
A big misconception about the "nigga moment" is that it can be avoided by simply movin' away from niggas. If only it were that easy; see, niggas always got a new trick right around the corner.
...
HHuey
Every nigga moment begins with the nigga. Without that key element, all you're left with is peace and quiet.
Who in the hell park at my space? That's like calling 1-800-collecting-ass-whuppin! And no, that ain't a toll free car, partner!
You hit my car, are you blind?
YES! BLIND! You got a problem with dat, nigga?
HHuey
You could have kill somebody!
Well I been doing them a favor. Getting run over by me is close to honorable death as most of these people going get! Someday, I quite the humanitarian. I think I hit a wheelchair away over there. He-he!
Aw, look what you did to Dorthey? You better have insurance?
NIGGA, You better have insurance? Ass whupping insurance, you about to pay a depletable?
On the awkward car trip home, the song of "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor (band) is playing on the radio.
RRadio
It's The Eye Of The Tiger / It's the thrill of The Fight! / Standing up to the challenge of your rival!
(Granddad switches off the radio)
(sourly) I hate this damn song.
I can't believe you got your ass kicked by a blind man, Granddad!
My knee went out. You know I got a bad knee.
Bad knee?! That nigga had bad eyes! He couldn't see, Granddad! He beat you like a piñata! (to Huey) Yo, we should rent Granddad out for Mexican birthday parties! We can call him "Sr. Piñata"! Hola, Sr. Piñata!
Stop it, boy, stop it! Where's my belt!?
I must be blind too, cuz I sho' didn't see that ass-whuppin' comin'!
Yo, how bad you gotta telegraph yo' punches for a blind nigga to see 'em comin', Granddad?!
HHuey
Riley, the man obviously had a heightened sense of hearing!
Oh, I thought Granddad had a heightened sense of falling!
Now, that's enough! Now, you just stop laughin' at your Granddaddy! What's wrong with you?
Granddad had "HIT ME" written on his forehead in braille!
I said... That's. Enough.
Okay, What you gonna do? Beat me? Maybe I should get a blindfold first; (Riley covers his eyes with his hands) Okay, I'm ready! Wait-maybe he's gonna fall on me! (Riley gets on his knees and uses his left arm to cover his eyes and his right is pointed up at Granddad to push him off if he falls on him and Riley laughs)
(on the floor now, cringing from laughter) Granddad, Rodney King just called and said, "Damn! I thought I got my ass whupped!" (Riley laughs uncontrollably until Huey kicks him and Granddad walks off in shame)
DSDHS Spokesman
And so, we're raising the Terror Alert Level to intense orange-red based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat. Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible. Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen. Suicide bomber? Hey, ya never know. But what we do know is that it's absolutely, positively gonna happen today, maybe.
(hysterical) Terrorists have my daddy!
HHuey
Jazmine, calm down!
Terrorists kidnapped my father and they're going to cut off his head in Algeria! My daddy was supposed to be home from work before school let out and he isn't here. And we're at terror alert level orange! Orange!!
HHuey
Jazmine, just because your dad is late coming home from work doesn't mean that...
(Phone rings)
(answers the phone) Hello?
(frantic) Riley. Is that you? Put your brother on, it's an emergency.
(slight pause, Riley starts to laugh)
Don't drop the soap. (hangs up)
(the phone rings, and he answers it again) Yeah?
I thought you only get one phone call from jail.
(Huey grabs the phone)
Huey! I got arrested! They say I fit the description. I think it's 'cause I'm black Huey! You have to get me out of here Huey. You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail.
HHuey
They'll rape you, that's what they're gonna do. But you're not in jail, you're in holding, and I don't think people usually get raped in holding; hold on. (yelling) Granddad, do people get raped in holding?
(Jazmine starts to cry)
Stop stop stop! I don't want your granddad to know. I don't want anybody to know. Listen. They can't keep people in holding over the weekend. At nine o'clock tonight, they're going to put me on a bus and send me to real jail. REAL! JAIL! Earliest I can get out would be on Monday.
HHuey
Well it's just the weekend.
IT ONLY TAKES ONE NIGHT TO GET ANALLY RAPED! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find the real killer tonight.
HHuey
The real killer?! Nigga, I'm 10! How am I gonna find the real killer?
HHuey
Alright alright alright. Damn.
Thank yooou Huuey. Whatever you do, don't tell my baby Jazmine. I don't want her to know her daddy was somebody's biiittcch! (he starts weeping)
Was that Daddy? Where is he? Is he okay? Was he kidnapped by terrorists?
HHuey
Umm... your father wants you to know he's nobodys' bitch.
(Rummy and Ed III watch Officer Frank closely as he and Ed III approach the counter.)
(to Ed) Watch my back, I got yo front.
(Rummy and Ed III place the cartons on the counter.)
CClerk
Hey Ed, Rummy my close friends and allies it is good to see you.
CClerk
Hey slow your roll chief. You guy have to pay for that first.
Damn! Chill out, Aladdin Hussein. You know I'm good for it.
CClerk
Hey guys you know the rules. No exceptions, cash only.
(Rummy and Ed look back at Officer Frank)
Look, he got a weapon! (pulls out his hand gun and points it at the clerk)
Whoa, wait a minute now, (points his M-16 at the clerk) Put the gun down.
CClerk
Gun? What gun? I'm not holding a gun. Guys, it's me. Ed, your father help me build this store.
I DON'T KNOW YOU MUTHAFUCKER! NOW, PUT DOWN THE WEAPON, PUT IT DOWN!!
CClerk
There is no weapon, look!
FOfficer Frank
(trembling nervously) I-- I don't see a weapon!
HHuey
There is no weapon, they're robbing the store!
CClerk
I am not holding a weapon! I AM NOT HOLDING A WEAPON!
OFFICER, THIS MUTHAFUCKER GOT A GUN POINTED AT YOU!! YOU WANNA DIE!?
FOfficer Frank
I-I DON'T WANNA DIE!
HHuey
He does not have a gun!
HE DOES HAVE A GUN, TRUST ME!! THE ABSENCE OF EVIDENCE IS NOT THE EVIDENCE OF ABSENCE!!
FOfficer Frank
I-I DON'T SEE A GUN!
Man, fuck this shit! (points his gun at Officer Frank.) Whose side you on? Mine, or this muthafucker who's obviously of terrorist descent?
FOfficer Frank
Wait, I think I can see the gun now!
GOOD, NOW ALL SEE THE WEAPON!! NOW YOU HAND OVER THAT WEAPON ON THE COUNT OF THREE, OR I SWEAR TO ALL MIGHTY GOD, I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!! ONE!!
CClerk
I CAN'T GIVE YOU A WEAPON I'M NOT HOLDING!! YOU'RE THINKING OF THE KOREAN SHOP, NORTH OF HERE!
FOfficer Frank
Is he... still holding it!?
HHuey
He-is-not-holding-a-weapon!
(narrating) I was so desperate for information on the shooting, I watched that show my brother calls "the news."
BEBlack Eyewitness Man
Oh shit! Aw, nigga, I seent it! I seent the whole thang, nigga, you shoulda seent that shit I saw...
HHuey
Oh, great. Black Eyewitness Man. I hate Black Eyewitness Man!
BEBlack Eyewitness Man
... with my own eyes, nigga. Damn, that shit was crazy, nigga! I seen everything! [his cellphone rings, and he answers] Hold up. Nigga, that's me on TV, BABYYY!!! YEAH, NIGGA, YEAH! .... no I ain't got your money, nigga.
BEBlack Eyewitness Woman
[shrieks] JESUS!!! It was terrible! I was in the club- a- I was in the club, a-and this bitch stepped on my shoe, and I was like, "BITCH!" And then some nigga started shootin'. I was like "There he go! He done fucked it up for everybody!"
(narrating) So, what had happened was Gangstalicious was doing a show in town when three men rushed the stage and shot him. Ironically, he was doing his new joint "I Got Shot" at the time.
CCrowd
(repeating) I got shot!
(Three men rush the stage and shoot Gangstalicious.)
CCrowd
(still repeating) I got shot!
CCrowd
I got shot for real!
No goddammit, I got shot! Niggas shot me! I'm bleedin'! I'ma die! Somebody please, help me, help me... (he faints)
CCrowd
No goddammit, I got shot! Niggas shot me! (fades into mumbling)
Riley (narrating) It was 45 minutes before anyone called an ambulance.
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
