Jazmine quotes from The Boondocks

And so, we're raising the Terror Alert Level to intense orange-red based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat. Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible. Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen. Suicide bomber? Hey, ya never know. But what we do know is that it's absolutely, positively gonna happen today, maybe.

Jazmine

(hysterical) Terrorists have my daddy!

Jazmine, calm down!

Jazmine

Terrorists kidnapped my father and they're going to cut off his head in Algeria! My daddy was supposed to be home from work before school let out and he isn't here. And we're at terror alert level orange! Orange!!

Jazmine, just because your dad is late coming home from work doesn't mean that...

Riley

(answers the phone) Hello?

(frantic) Riley. Is that you? Put your brother on, it's an emergency.

Riley

What's the emergency?

I'm in jail.

Riley

Don't drop the soap. (hangs up)

Who was that?

Riley

(the phone rings, and he answers it again) Yeah?

RILEY. It's Tom.

Riley

I thought you only get one phone call from jail.

Who's this?

Huey! I got arrested! They say I fit the description. I think it's 'cause I'm black Huey! You have to get me out of here Huey. You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail.

They'll rape you, that's what they're gonna do. But you're not in jail, you're in holding, and I don't think people usually get raped in holding; hold on. (yelling) Granddad, do people get raped in holding?

Stop stop stop! I don't want your granddad to know. I don't want anybody to know. Listen. They can't keep people in holding over the weekend. At nine o'clock tonight, they're going to put me on a bus and send me to real jail. REAL! JAIL! Earliest I can get out would be on Monday.

Well it's just the weekend.

IT ONLY TAKES ONE NIGHT TO GET ANALLY RAPED! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find the real killer tonight.

The real killer?! Nigga, I'm 10! How am I gonna find the real killer?

Please! You gotta try...

Alright alright alright. Damn.

Thank yooou Huuey. Whatever you do, don't tell my baby Jazmine. I don't want her to know her daddy was somebody's biiittcch! (he starts weeping)

Jazmine

Was that Daddy? Where is he? Is he okay? Was he kidnapped by terrorists?

Umm... your father wants you to know he's nobodys' bitch.

Jazmine

(cries loudly)

Jazmine

Oh, Huey! You’ve got a lunch meeting at 11:30 about the sound effects for the dog fight sequence.

Cancel it.

Jazmine

The PTA is threatening a boycott of the play since you fired all the kids.

(yawning) Don’t care.

Jazmine

And... the principal is in your office to talk about the script.

Who?

First of all, I just wanted you to know we’re thrilled with the script.

Absolutely fantastic.

Brilliant. Wouldn’t change a thing.

We just had a couple of notes.

One or two.

Nothing significant.

(flipping through the script) Lets see, uh, there’s a typo on page five; uh, there’s a continuity problem on page 32 — I think that scene’s supposed to be at night — and, let's see, umm... oh yeah, um, and, uh, Jesus can’t be black.

What do you mean he can’t be black?

He can't be black. Maybe we can make Jesus another color.

How bout white?

But Jesus was black.

We could probably do Italian.

Jesus was Middle Eastern.

In addition to Arabs, the Middle East has always had many people of African descent, whom you would consider black.

Sorry, can’t do it.

(Clears throat, presents contract)

Oh right, that. (he tears it to pieces)

(leaving) Best of luck.

(leaving) Break a leg.

(leaving) I can't wait for opening night.

Jazmine

(wiggling her tooth) The tooth fairy will be coming soon.

The tooth fairy?

Jazmine

Yup. Everytime I lose a tooth, the tooth fairy takes it away and leaves a dollar under my pillow.

There ain't no such thing as the tooth fairy.

Jazmine

Then who's leaving the money?

Probably your parents. They have both the cash and the access to your room.

Jazmine

Why would they lie to me?

Because the truth hurts Jazmine. The world is a hard and lonely place and nobody gets anything for free. And you want to know what else? One day, you and everyone you know is gonna die.

Jazmine

(runs away crying)

You enjoy abusing peoples' illusions. I respect that. It's thankless work. (pauses) Do you like my sunglasses? I wear sunglasses because my idol Dr. Bill Cosby wears sunglasses all the time, and you know what they say: "Cosbiness is next to Godliness."

Who are you?

Nobody, really. Just thought you might want to talk to someone who understands.

You don't know me.

I know you better than you think, Huey Freeman.

(surprised, he turns around only to find that the man has disappeared)

Jazmine

So when do I get to see Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony?

Wuncler

(acutely) When you learn how to run a respectable business.

Jazmine

Huh?

Wuncler

What the hell is up with this sign? What's this crude drawing suppose to be?

Jazmine

I-it's the M-M-Magical Pony Carriage.

Wuncler

This looks like a kid drew it. Look at this, why are all the "e's" backwards?

Jazmine

I-I-It... It's suppose to be c-cute.

Wuncler

You think ignorance is cute? Well, I suppose you think you think mental retardation is down right adorable. Lemonade, now! (Jazmine starts to cry and tries to pour a glass) How is anyone supposed to believe you can make lemonade when you can't even spell it? How old are you?

Jazmine

(crying) T-T-T-Ten.

Wuncler

(mocking her stuttering) T-T-T-Too damn old to be writing your "e's" backwards, damnit! (walks away, chuckles)

Wuncler

(speaking under his breath) Squirm little worm.

Jazmine

What happened?

It's okay Jazmine; you don't need him.

Jazmine

(angrily) What do you mean I don't need him?

Well you're not gonna let him treat you like that?

Jazmine

What, you think ponies grow on trees?

What kind of question is that? It's a large four-legged mammal.

Jazmine

Or maybe I'm just supposed to wait until I'm an old woman before I get my pony. How am I gonna look, Huey? A sixty-five year old woman riding a pony...

Jazmine, he's a crook...

Jazmine

You just want everyone to be miserable because you're miserable. AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT STUPID COAT?.. wish you'd go away...

(pondering) Let's see... I want a... umm...

(speaking quickly) I'll take two small lemonades with ice, two small lemonades without ice, three large lemonades — one with ice, one with no ice, one with crushed ice...

You guys have aaummmmmm... uh... hmmm...

Riley

(slaps some change on the counter) That's all I got.

Jazmine

Lemonade is a dollar.

Riley

That's all I got! Make it work, I'm thirsty!

Jazmine

Lemonade is a dollar!

Riley

I ain't got no dollar! It's hot as hell out here, man, jus hook me up! All the money I spend up in this place? This some ol' bullshit!

Jazmine

Lemonade... is... a... DOLLAR!

Hmm... Do you guys have anything other than lemonade?

Jazmine

(stares annoyingly at him)

Jazmine, this is stupid. You're bein' exploited.

Jazmine

You'll never get anywhere in this world without doing a fair day's work for a fair day's pay.

Jazmine, Ed's never gonna give you that pony!

Jazmine

Next!

Peaches, I think it's time you come inside.

Jazmine

Can't talk, Dad, makin' lemonade.

Come on, honey, I want you inside now.

I have been waiting twenty minutes for this lemonade.

I'm thirsty!

Wuncler

(approaching Tom) What's the problem?

Mr. Wuncler, ya know, yesterday I thought this was cute, but, don't you think you guys are taking this a little far?

Wuncler

Jazmine can leave whenever she wants, but Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony will have to be put down.

Jazmine

What?!

Wuncler

He's your pony now. Your percentage was supposed to pay for his food and upkeep. Now he'll starve to death in a puddle of his own feces.

Jazmine

(begins sobbing loudly)

(obligedly) Oh come on... Mr. Wuncler...

Jazmine

I don't wanna leave, Mr. Wuncler! Please, Daddy, don't make me leave!

Wuncler

(pulling Tom aside) There you have it. You know the name of the game; your daughter chose me. Now we can handle this like some gentlemen, or we can get into some old gangster shit.

(nervous, goes back to Jazmine) Okay, best of luck, honey! (he scurries away)

Jazmine

Do you believe in God, Huey? I believe in God.

Riley

(interrupting) First of all, I'm gonna live forever, but if I do die I'm gonna smack God upside the head and go tell him to get me a grilled cheese sandwich and some tacos...

Jazmine

(to Huey) When I want something, or I'm afraid about something, I pray. Have you ever prayed?

Riley

(interrupting) ...And I dare God to say something. I be like, "Say somethin' God! Say somethin'! Yea I thought so..."

Jazmine

(to Huey) You should pray for Shabazz — God'll get him out of jail. They have to listen to Him... He's God.

Riley

(continuing)...And if God say somethin' I be like this. (he makes punching motions) Take that God. (Huey shakes his head) I be beatin' God's jaw like blikaa, blaa.