A character in The Boondocks
Granddad
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in The Boondocks: in 37 of its 205 quotes
Most scenes with: Huey (19), Riley Freeman (18), Uncle Ruckus (4)
(Granddad is awoken by the loud music at Thugnificent's house party)
Hey!!! Shut up with all that damn noise!!!! I'm an old man, y'all need to listen to some Nat King Cole and some Johnny Mathis!!
(narrating) I am not a prophet, but sometimes I have prophetic dreams, like the one where I was at a garden party.
Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the Devil, and the government is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night.
(The people suddenly erupt into a riot. Huey wakes up, and is immediately smacked by Granddad.)
Mmm-hmm! You havin' that dream where you made the white people riot, weren't you?
But I was tellin' the truth!
How many times have I told you, you better not even dream about tellin' white folk the truth! You understand me? (walks away) Shoot. Makin' white people riot. You better learn how to lie like me! I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now.
Interior scene, supermarket. Robert Freeman is browsing a shelf while grocery shopping.
My grandfather, Robert Jebediah Freeman, after a lifetime of odd adventures and strange mishaps, decided to spend his last days in the warm embrace of suburbia. So he moved to his perfect house in his prefect neighborhood. But he was still searching for his perfect woman. For what reason, I have no idea.
It's shown that Granddad is looking at male enhancement pills. His concentration is interrupted by a tantruming white child breaking something.
I WANT CANDY! Damn it, I hate you! You're ruining my life, bitch! CANDY! I want candy!
[sheepishly trying to interrupt] Please, Herbert, remember our agreement. We have an agreement for how we behave in the store, Herbert!
Herbert smashes another full glass jar of jam on the ground.
Give me candy, give me candy! I! WANT! CANDYYYYYYY! I want candy and marshmallows! Give it to me, give it to me!
As this happens, various other customers in the store look on with expressions of concern, pity and annoyance.
[sobbing] Herbert... Oh!
[continuing in background] And I want pasta, and none of that Chef Boyardee crap!
Hmm, he sure looks like a handful.
When he gets like this, I just don't know how to make him stop.
I WANT CANDY AND MARSHMALLOWS! I want candy and marshmallows!
Herbert topples an entire shelf over, destroying several products.
Have you ever tried beatin' his ass?
Herbert is about to break a box of 32 eggs, but pauses when he notices Granddad remove his belt and give it to his mother. Tense music plays.
[softly] What's...with the belt?
Herbert looks on in fear. Granddad briefly demonstrates how to use the belt as a whip. Herbert tries to run, but his mother leaps after him and begins whipping the screaming Herbert offscreen. Granddad looks on with pride.
The nerve! ...of you! ...in front of these people! YOU MUSTA LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND!
The other customers before are now looking on with expressions of approval and amusement.
[wailing] Mom, stop!
Not many men would stop to help a women in need.
Well, uh... I guess I just hate to see a child go unbeaten.
I'm Cristal, like the champagne.
I'm Granddad.
Hello, cutie.
Yeah... I'd rather not.
My name's Cristal, like the champagne.
Well, that sounds like a stripper name. Cristal, like the champagne, might you be a stripper?
And just what do you know about strippers, little man?
Not much, but I do know they're usually named after liquor.
I just love grocery stores in rich neighborhoods. Much better stuff. Check out this special French whipped cream. It's edible.
Somebody's busy.
$153, 12 cents is your total. Will this be cash or charge?
Granddad, have you asked yourself why a 20-year-old girl would want to go out with a man your age?
Because I laid my game down quite flat.
Game? What you know about the game Granddad?
I know the game.
Takin' women out to eat? Givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that? You takin' her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. The fam ain't eatin' cheddar biscuits, but this random broad is eatin' cheddar biscuits.
(turns away from the mirror) I know the game. Your grandaddy knows the game.
Game recognize game, Granddad.
(gets in Riley's face) I recognize game. Your granddaddy recognize game.
Game recognize game, and you lookin' kinda unfamiliar right now. I... I can't... where's Granddad? Can I help you sir?
(stares at Riley for a while) I ain't got time to mess around with y'all. I gotta date. Get out the way. (he walks off screen)
(follows him off screen) Don't do it Granddad! Don't feed her!
(O.S.) Come on, now, stop. Get off my leg.
(weeping O.S.) Don't feed her the cheddar biscuits! Noooo!
(O.S.) Don't try to hold me back. What the hell? Get off me, boy. What's wrong with you?
(playing PS2 with Riley) What's up now?
Why you keep doin' the same move?
Where yo game at? Where yo game at?
My 'X' button ain't workin.
Whatever, nigga.
Hey, look! I'm pressin' it! You SEE me pressin' it! You cheat!
Bitch, your game is garbage. (she jumps up in the air) I'm Cristal, bitch! Who's next?
Fake ass Mariah Carey! (he throws the controller and runs away crying)
That's how nasty my game is, son. (to Huey) I send niggas runnin' away.
(stares at her)
What? A full day's supply of Vitamin C.
Granddad, that woman has got to go.
Miss Cristal is my beautiful baby boo, and you will show her some respect.
Granddad, we don't know anything about Ms. Cristal. I mean, we know she spends all your money, we know she eats more than a black hole...
WE KNOW SHE CHEAT AT PLAYSTATION!
But where does she live? What does she do for a living?
She's in sales.
Pff... Ho sales...
What?!
Who in the hell park at my space? That's like calling 1-800-collecting-ass-whuppin! And no, that ain't a toll free car, partner!
You hit my car, are you blind?
YES I AM! SO!
Wait, you're blind?
YES! BLIND! You got a problem with dat, nigga?
You could have kill somebody!
Well I been doing them a favor. Getting run over by me is close to honorable death as most of these people going get! Someday, I quite the humanitarian. I think I hit a wheelchair away over there. He-he!
Aw, look what you did to Dorthey? You better have insurance?
NIGGA, You better have insurance? Ass whupping insurance, you about to pay a depletable?
On the awkward car trip home, the song of "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor (band) is playing on the radio.
It's The Eye Of The Tiger / It's the thrill of The Fight! / Standing up to the challenge of your rival!
(Granddad switches off the radio)
(sourly) I hate this damn song.
I can't believe you got your ass kicked by a blind man, Granddad!
My knee went out. You know I got a bad knee.
Bad knee?! That nigga had bad eyes! He couldn't see, Granddad! He beat you like a piñata! (to Huey) Yo, we should rent Granddad out for Mexican birthday parties! We can call him "Sr. Piñata"! Hola, Sr. Piñata!
Stop it, boy, stop it! Where's my belt!?
I must be blind too, cuz I sho' didn't see that ass-whuppin' comin'!
Boy...
Riley...!
Yo, how bad you gotta telegraph yo' punches for a blind nigga to see 'em comin', Granddad?!
Riley, the man obviously had a heightened sense of hearing!
Oh, I thought Granddad had a heightened sense of falling!
Now, that's enough! Now, you just stop laughin' at your Granddaddy! What's wrong with you?
Granddad had "HIT ME" written on his forehead in braille!
I said... That's. Enough.
Okay, What you gonna do? Beat me? Maybe I should get a blindfold first; (Riley covers his eyes with his hands) Okay, I'm ready! Wait-maybe he's gonna fall on me! (Riley gets on his knees and uses his left arm to cover his eyes and his right is pointed up at Granddad to push him off if he falls on him and Riley laughs)
Riley, stop!
(on the floor now, cringing from laughter) Granddad, Rodney King just called and said, "Damn! I thought I got my ass whupped!" (Riley laughs uncontrollably until Huey kicks him and Granddad walks off in shame)
All I'm saying is when Xzibit brings that car back you goin' be bitches.
What did you call me?!
No, no... I mean "bitches" like you gonna have so many bitches that's what niggas gonna call you. No disrespect.
No disrespect? You just called your granfather "bitches"!
Yeah, but I don't mean "bitches" in a desrespectful way. I mean it as a general word for women.
And you're gonna let him get away with this?
It's ok. Just this once.
Granddad, I'm just sayin' you might have to change your middle name from Jebediah to Bitches. Is all I'm tryin' say. No disrespect.
Hmm, Granddad "Bitches" Freeman. Hoo, has a nice ring to it.
Shh! Did you hear that?
What? What is it?
I don't hear anything.
Shh! It's Huey's make-believe government agent in our bathroom taking a dump. (snickers)
Hey everyone, I brought peach cobbler.
Ewww... Mrs. Dubois, your peach cobbler look like throw up.
Boy!
It do! Look it look like throw up with peas in it. Mrs. Dubois, you been eatin' peas?
Boy come here; what wrong with you?
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with her? She da one who brought vomit over here in a tupperware container.
That is not vomit. It just look like vomit. Now apologize to Mrs Dubois.
Um, i-i-it's okay... really...
Fine: Mrs. Dubois, I'm sorry your peach cobbler look like vomit with peas.
Damnit boy!
Guys, please, you know we don't have to...
I don't care if you beat me Granddad, I won't eat it! That is disgusting! It's completely uncalled for!
You'll eat it if I have to hold you down and shove it down your throat.
Really I didn't mean for it to be...
I know what you're tryin' do. You tryin' kill me. I hate you!
(Riley runs out the room with Granddad running after him. Scene shows Huey, Jazmine, Sarah and Tom watching Riley getting "whipped" offscreen)
You are gonna eat that cobbler and you gonna ACT LIKE YOU LIKE IT!!!
I don't wanna eat the cobbler! I DON'T WANNA EAT THE COBBLER!!!
I present to you...the Luther! A full-pound burger patty covered in cheese, grilled onion, five strips of bacon, all sandwiched between-
Two donuts!
Two Krispy Kreme donuts! It's called The Luther because it was supposed to have been invented by Mr. Luther Vandross himself!
Luther Vandross is dead!
And? Where's your point? Hm?
(watches Riley take a bite of the burger) Is this one of your menus? Sausage and waffle and fried chicken breakfast lasagna?
Yup.
Bacon-wrapped chitlin-stuffed catfish? Granddad, you can't serve this kind of stuff to people! It will cause... death!
(about the burger he is eating) Woah, this is what crack must feel like!
Shame on you, Huey! You move out to the suburbs, and suddenly you too good for soul food. Perhaps you would enjoy your spotted cheese in a buttered scone, white boy? (Riley passes out) Boy, boy, are you okay?! I'm sure it's just The Itis, right?
That or insulin shock! Do CPR!
Riley, wake up!
Yeah, I'm not sure yellin' at him is gonna help, Granddad. How do you not know CPR?
I tried to learn CPR, but they wouldn't let me 'cause I was black.
What?
(Huey and Riley are fighting in the kitchen)
Boys...what the hell?!
I ain't doin' nothin', Granddad! I was just gon' go to Ed's house, and Huey said I couldn't go 'cause he a hater!
What the hell is wrong with you, Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy, that's his business!
Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!
There he go hatin' again!
Boy! Stop hatin'!
What about the time when Riley and Ed were playing with a loaded shotgun, and Riley shot Ed out of a second-story window?!
(Cutscene to 'Garden Party' when Riley shot Ed out of the window)
Ohhh...that did happen, didn't it?
Okay, so just 'cause Ed believes in his Second Amendment right to bear arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the Bill of Rights, Huey?!
Okay, how about the time they stopped for gas and ended up robbing the mini-mart?!
(Cutscene to 'A Date with the Health Inspector' during the gun fight)
They was fightin' terrorism! Makin' the world safe for the freedoms that we enjoy today! That's messed up, you don't support the troops, Huey!
That is kind of messed up, Huey. (to Riley) Be back by dinner.
Ha!
It wudn't me!
It says, "Riley wuz here."
Well maybe it was another Riley.
You dropped these pictures (pictures show Riley posing in front of his graffiti), and, umm, you have paint all over your hands.
Riley, graffiti is a serious crime. Now as the assistant district attorney, I'd have to arrest you and send you to jail, and you wouldn't want that, would you?
(smirking) Nawwww, 'cause I remember when you got arrested that one time and you was cryin' 'cause you thought they were gonna rape you.
(interrupting) Well, I don't exactly remember it happening like that.
Yeah it did. The way you was talkin, they was fi'in to wear that ass out.
(interrupting) Okayyyyy... So we're all agreed that none of us want to go to jail.
And then there was somethin' about a salad, or somethin'?
(enthusiastically) Yes! Salads! For dinner! They make you eat vegetables every night and they're not... delicious... at all.
Uhhhh, is the cop here for me or Riley?
Your brother got caught spraying graffiti on... Wait, why would he be here for you?
Uh, No reason.
Fine, I knew y'all was gonna find a way to blame me for this. Go ahead! Say hello to the bad guy! But a white man told me to do it.
Wait a minute, what white man? What did he look like?
White... I just assumed he was in charge.
Why?
'Cause he was white!
And just what did this white man look like?
He had a... who do I look like, Snitchy McRat? I don't talk to police!
Boy, you better work your mouth!
If you gonna take me to jail then take me to jail! (he holds out his wrists)
(scowls)
Hey hey, Robert hey! I heard you was going to be delevering the eulogy. I think that mighty nice of you. I know you and Mo had some bad blood.
Well, what's in the past is in the past.
(Starts laughing) Yeah, I remember how Mo talk about how he couldn't stand yo black ass. Woo, ha! I remember it like it was last week. Matter of fact, I think it was last week.
Last week?!
Aw man, you should have heard him, Robert! He was on ah roll, heh! You was all kinds of bitches and motherfuckers! He was like Chappelle or something!
He called me a motherfucker last week?! He said that last week?!
Sho did, I think Tuesday. Bout 1:48 PM.
Well, ain't this a bitch?
And what surprised me, was you be all kinds motherfuckers really had nothing to do with tha damn conversation. What was we talking about? (Puts his hand on Granddad shoulder.) Soybeans. Whoo, you a bigger man than me. (Starts to walk away.) I don't think I can talk nice about somebody who said that kind of stuff bout me or my mama, hmp. I-am-not-the-one.
I can’t believe I let Mo talk me into this.
Well, you already here. He said he left you something nice. You might as well go on and get it over with.
(scowls)
Do you know what you gonna say?
No.
Well, don’t worry. Just read this (she presents a piece of paper to him). Mo wrote it. He thought you might have some trouble.
(steps to the podium, starts reading the paper) Everything I have in life I owe to Mo Jackson... (looks questioningly at Aunt Cookie)
(urges him on)
(tentatively) I have never once been gay, but Mo was a very sexy man. We used to call him "Mo bitches"? I once saw Mo in his underwear? And it changed my life? I wish I had a father like Mo Jackson. Mo Jackson paid my rent over fifty times?! ... Okay this is bullshit!
(collectively gasps)
Mo Jackson was a asshole.
(collectively gasps again)
Mo Jackson was a petty, immature, selfish man. Oh, he was good at one thing: that’s bringin’ the worst out of everybody he met. I came up here because I thought Mo wanted to make things right. But it was just one more chance for him to make a fool out of me. (he walks off stage; people start murmuring amongst themselves)
Yeah, that damn nigga owed me five dollars!
(takes the microphone) Brothers, sisters… please. I think it’s time for a poem: Doom comes like a vacuum, ‘cause death sucks and smells like a raccoon or a baboon... Death kills us like crack killed Pooky... Like Schwarzenegger killed Tookie. Chewbacca was a wookie. Revolution.
[The audience sits in silent, stunned confusion.]
Booo... Hey! "Erykah BaDewey"! That was real gay, my nigga! Cut that out!
Shut up, Riley!
What’s wrong with you Cairo?! That nigga’s corny.
Corny? Nigga, you’re corny. At least he’s here! Why don’t you follow your punk-ass granddaddy back to Whitesville? Fake nigga?
[Huey punches Cairo in the face and the two start fighting; Dewey looks nervously at Riley and flees from the podium]
[Chasing after him] Don't run, nigga, I see you!
(pondering) Let's see... I want a... umm...
(cut to female customer)
(speaking quickly) I'll take two small lemonades with ice, two small lemonades without ice, three large lemonades — one with ice, one with no ice, one with crushed ice...
(cut back to Granddad)
You guys have aaummmmmm... uh... hmmm...
(cut to Riley)
(slaps some change on the counter) That's all I got.
Lemonade is a dollar.
That's all I got! Make it work, I'm thirsty!
Lemonade is a dollar!
I ain't got no dollar! It's hot as hell out here, man, jus hook me up! All the money I spend up in this place? This some ol' bullshit!
Lemonade... is... a... DOLLAR!
(cut back to Granddad)
Hmm... Do you guys have anything other than lemonade?
(stares annoyingly at him)
(cut to Huey)
Jazmine, this is stupid. You're bein' exploited.
You'll never get anywhere in this world without doing a fair day's work for a fair day's pay.
Jazmine, Ed's never gonna give you that pony!
Next!
(cut to Tom)
Peaches, I think it's time you come inside.
Can't talk, Dad, makin' lemonade.
Come on, honey, I want you inside now.
I have been waiting twenty minutes for this lemonade.
I'm thirsty!
(approaching Tom) What's the problem?
Mr. Wuncler, ya know, yesterday I thought this was cute, but, don't you think you guys are taking this a little far?
Jazmine can leave whenever she wants, but Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony will have to be put down.
What?!
He's your pony now. Your percentage was supposed to pay for his food and upkeep. Now he'll starve to death in a puddle of his own feces.
(begins sobbing loudly)
(obligedly) Oh come on... Mr. Wuncler...
I don't wanna leave, Mr. Wuncler! Please, Daddy, don't make me leave!
(pulling Tom aside) There you have it. You know the name of the game; your daughter chose me. Now we can handle this like some gentlemen, or we can get into some old gangster shit.
(nervous, goes back to Jazmine) Okay, best of luck, honey! (he scurries away)
Riley FreemanRegina King · 68 quotes
HHuey61 quotes
Uncle RuckusGary Anthony Williams · 33 quotes
GGrandad13 quotes
TTom13 quotes
Ed Wuncler IIICharlie Murphy · 12 quotes
Robert FreemanJohn Witherspoon · 12 quotes
PTPossessed Tom10 quotes
ThugnificentCarl Jones · 10 quotes
Gin RummySamuel L. Jackson · 9 quotes
JazmineGabby Soleil · 6 quotes
FlonominalBusta Rhymes · 5 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Boondocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
